VinnyCapistrano t1_iuislkx wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:25 PM

The problem with age gap relationships is the power, knowledge, and experience imbalance that exists between the older and younger partner. A person should be able to get their adult life started without it being tampered or meddled with by somebody who may not have their partner's best interest at heart.

By the time you're in your late 20s, you should have the knowledge and life experience to be able to look out for your own best interests, plus you hopefully should be in a position where you're financially independent and have a strong support group of friends and family to fall back on if needed.

You're fine. The age gap might be weird, but the possibility of it being damaging or problematic isn't as big of an issue at your age.

Slow_Ad_2828 t1_iuit7aj wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:29 PM

I know that my relationship is healthy for many reasons. (he has actually encouraged me to advance my career and be independent). I just worry about potential backlash from third parties.

Covert_Pudding t1_iuiur9v wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:39 PM

Mostly people won't judge your relationship as long as your relationship isn't obviously, to a 3rd party perspective, suffering from an unaddressed power imbalance.

If your partner is immature or left a relationship with someone in his age group to be with you, or never dates women his own age, he might get criticized for that too.

There are always outsiders who will judge a relationship. They aren't worth listening to, usually, as long as you keep your eyes open to the potential pitfalls yourself and steer clear of them.

SkyueQuox t1_iuiuvg0 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:40 PM

Stop caring about what other people think, it is your partner who is supposed to treat you right not third parties.

gleepgloopgleepgloop t1_iuivijz wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:44 PM

Younger people are often attracted to older people because of the power, common knowledge, and experience that the older people may have. It offers considerable growth potential and access to resources that a younger person may not have.

Both parties potentially have resources desired by the other. I believe that a younger person is just as likely to use an older person as the older person is to try and use the younger person. That said, I believe the vast majority of older people have no interest in grooming or meddling and younger people have no interest in manipulating older people to get gifts, trips, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, anyone in their twenties has the agency and wherewithal to choose partners wisely.

00Lisa00 t1_iuisrca wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:26 PM

Meh once you’re close to 30 no one cares. You’ve already established yourself and are mentally mature. Age gaps are only concerning when there’s a power/maturity imbalance

Slow_Ad_2828 t1_iuitqsl wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:32 PM

I would argue that power imbalances always exist. Someone is always richer, smarter, more mature, physically stronger etc. Even having a better support network could work as a powerful tool in the hands of someone with ill intentions.

Covert_Pudding t1_iuiv2kl wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:41 PM

Yeah it's usually only a problem when one partner is always the one who is more/has more and the other always is or has less...

drunkensaillor t1_iuitbfk wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:29 PM

It's really not a problem. The only problem is men in their 40s/50s who chronically only date women in and around their 20s. It would be a problem for you because those men aren't attracted to women over 35 or they know older women just catch on to their bullshit faster. Either way, you'll age out of the relationship, they'll cheat or whatever and you've wasted years with them. If your guy isn't one of these dudes then I don't see the issue

luvduvbunny t1_iuirz26 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:21 PM

This is a bit more acceptable (for me at least)

The age gap is inappropriate when it comes to teens and people in their early 20s because of maturity levels, grooming issues, and the potential for financial and/or emotional abuse (power dynamics).

For example, a 30 year old can easily abuse an 18 year old financially and emotionally. The 18 year old is barely an adult and doesn’t have much maturity and adult knowledge.

You’re almost 30 and the other person is in their mid-40s. I think it’s safe to safe youre both at a similar maturity level and there’s not a power dynamic

Slow_Ad_2828 t1_iuitd0p wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:30 PM

Don't power dynamics exist in every single relationship though? Someone is always richer, smarter, physically stronger etc.

luvduvbunny t1_iuiv33d wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:41 PM

At this point in your life (being almost 30), you should be able to properly look out for your best interests. Maturity comes from life experiences, and you have over a decade of experience since becoming an adult.

People in their teens and early 20s are still maturing (will most likely be done at 25-26) and aren’t as stable as someone closer to 30. Your BF isn’t able to control you (as well) as opposed to someone who is 20.

Yes there are couples with unequal income, but that doesn’t mean there’s a power imbalance. You’re not dependent on your BF for everything.

yowen2000 t1_iuis93o wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:22 PM

I think at 29 you are old enough to understand what you're doing. You are old enough to have had dating experience to the point that you aren't in danger of being taken advantage of, no more so than if you were dating someone closer to your age.

Because that's the problem with age gaps where one party is in their late teens or early twenties, even if the older party doesn't intend to, there will be a power imbalance by simple virtue of a massive gap in life experience, dating experience, and (perceived) maturity.

[deleted] OP t1_iuisnxq wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:25 PM

[deleted]

AbaqusOni t1_iuit1b3 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:28 PM

Generally, my rule would be half your age + 7 and add a decade for every 10 years past 50.

Technically this just barely passes that rule.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuistes wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:26 PM

[deleted]

Guilty_Hunter9304 t1_iuitt21 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:33 PM

Who cares? As long as you two are happy, what will it matter what anyone has to say?

mythicb33ch t1_iuiu6br wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:35 PM

It doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me. It’s a big age gap, but you’re entering your 30s. You’re a grown adult capable of making fully fleshed out decisions. You may get the occasional comment but try to let it roll off your back. As long as you feel happy and respected, that’s what’s important.

PickleFlavordPopcorn t1_iuiutko wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:39 PM

Age gaps lessen in intensity over time. I am 39, my husband is 52. Had we met earlier in our lives than we did, it would have been pretty questionable. At this point we are similar in maturity, income, career, resources etc that no one has a power imbalance in the relationship. 10 years ago, I’m not sure our relationship would have the same foundation because I’d have been a bit too young and naive about some things, but I don’t know that it would be a deal breaker necessarily.

Slow_Ad_2828 t1_iuivg9f wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:43 PM

I would argue one person is always more naive than the other even in same-aged relationships. It's almost impossible to find someone exactly at your own level when it comes to maturity, naivety, intelligence etc.

PickleFlavordPopcorn t1_iujrid0 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:20 PM

The point is not for the match to be exact but the balance to be such that no one has an inordinate amount of power or influence over the other. Which is absolutely a real thing that occurs in many relationships regardless of age but is highly possible with large age gaps.

[deleted] OP t1_iuiuyd8 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:40 PM

[removed]

lowkey-juan t1_iuivmci wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:45 PM

You are a grown ass person, don't concern yourself over what some chronically online person (who you might not ever meet in real life) thinks about you or your choices.

Do you feel free and supported in your relationship?

Do you have a voice and are able to communicate concerns in a healthy way in your relationship?

Are you able to make each other happy?

Those are some basic questions you could ask yourself and your partner. Build up from there.

hisimpendingbaldness t1_iuiw0qx wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:47 PM

44 ÷ 2 + 7 = 29

Old wives would approve, if you started a couple years ago, not so much

Are we going to receive hate because of our age gap?

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