My boyfriend expressed anxiety/fears/doubts about the future of our relationship. Wondering if this is a red flag.

Submitted by New-Assistant-7442 t3_yin5ke in relationship_advice

Last week, my (24F) boyfriend (27M) of 7 months seemed a bit off but every time I asked him what was up, he swore it was nothing. Eventually, Friday morning in bed he opened up and was extremely emotional (crying, sobbing, etc.).

There has been a lot of talk about our future lately such as moving in together, and possibly making a significant move to another city because of my job. He just broke down telling me that he loves me so much, and is so happy with me, but that this is his first long-term relationship where he has discussed the future with somebody and that it's a little scary at times. He said he was overthinking this week and thinking questions like, "What if I don't love you as much in the future as I do right now?", "What if my feelings for you in the future aren't as strong?" He was sobbing and told me he was so guilty for thinking these questions because he said he didn't feel like he has a reason to because he loves me so much. I got pretty emotional but remained calm and started asking him questions to break down his feelings to understand.

I asked him if those thoughts are a reflection of having less feelings for me now than he did before, he said no. He said he instantly regretted the comment about fear of not loving me as much in the future because of how hurtful it may come across to me. He told me that he has just never been in a long term relationship and that as much as the things we were talking about excited him, that they were very big steps and that he just was scared that something would happen between us, or that he would do something to screw up our relationship. He said that all of these things are unknown territory to him. He said that you hear about how moving in together ruins so many couples and that he would never want that to happen to us.

All-in-all, we got past it and I was very understanding. My boyfriend and I are both generally anxious people who overthink way too much. He assured me that he loves me so much, that he wasn't having doubts about me, etc. I believe him and I truly think this was just a one-off episode of big changes coming up in our relationship and talking them through.

Of course, me being the overthinker that I am I am wondering in the back of my mind if I should put my guard up a bit, pull back a bit, be skeptical of whether or not he truly has doubts about this. Are my boyfriend's relationship anxieties normal or are they a red flag? I don't know. We just booked two vacations together (one weekend away, and another 2-week trip with his family).

TLDR: My boyfriend has fears about the future of our relationship and I don't know if they are normal, healthy anxieties to have, or if I should be worried about something more serious.

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JimTaggertUsa t1_iujglau wrote

Everyone has fears. You should be grateful for the chance to discuss them openly. He made himself vulnerable to you, pulling back and putting your guard up is not a healthy response

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New-Assistant-7442 OP t1_iujgs1k wrote

I'm not going to pull back. I think the old me would pull back in fear of getting hurt, but I am grateful for the opportunity to be vulnerable with him and will try to use this to make our relationship stronger.

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notdeadpool t1_iujlfz1 wrote

I think he sounds great. It is totally natural to think like that as that stage of life commitment stuff is scary. I have been with my partner for 15 years now and we had the same wobbles at the beginning. I think the fact that you had an open an honest chat about it is really positive. As long as you work together to solve problems, it will work.

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New-Assistant-7442 OP t1_iujm1s8 wrote

Thank you for this. The other comment on here scared me a bit lol but I think my boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and I am glad we can honestly chat about everything. I have never had that level of coommunication in a relationship before so that makes me happy

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notdeadpool t1_iujnbz7 wrote

It is all about honesty and trust. If you can keep these and have fun then you are totally fine. Part of the trust bit is to trust that future you can deal with anything that comes your way, trust you can talk about it and be honest about your feelings.

Don't be scared, no red flags here.

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UnsightlyMeat t1_iujs49u wrote

He’s being openly communicative with you. He’s laying out reasonable fears. This is good. Would you rather he lie? Keep quiet? There’s a lot of potential changes coming up in your lives. It’s only natural to have doubts, especially if he’s an anxious person.

Continue communicating. Talk it out. See a therapist together or solo if you guys wish.

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OrbitalProbeCannon t1_iujkdwi wrote

>My boyfriend and I are both generally anxious people who overthink way too much.

It's good that you are aware of this. I think it's important to pay attention, and learn to notice when the anxiety starts kicking in -- the same would be wise for him to do.

I see absolutely nothing in your story that counts as a red flag. You're both relatively young and in uncharted territory. It sounds like your boyfriend is being honest and open about his fears, which are clearly causing him to spiral a bit.

This is something to continue exploring together. Having regular conversations about your relationship and how you are both feeling is part of the recipe for creating a strong foundation so that your boyfriend's fears do not come true. It's really a good thing he spoke about them, as you guys can now work on it together.

The fact of it is, the longer a relationship goes, the most likely it is you will encounter hardships together. That doesn't mean any less love, but there will be ebbs and flows of intensity. Life will get in the way, and you might drift a bit, but if you stay committed and keep communication open and effective you'll always be able to bring it back.

If you have access to it, couples counseling could be a good idea to explore. It's not just for people who are already having problems; it can be a good place to explore and learn better communication and get some stuff out in the open.

>Of course, me being the overthinker that I am I am wondering in the back of my mind if I should put my guard up a bit, pull back a bit, be skeptical of whether or not he truly has doubts about this.

Unless there is more to this story that you haven't shared here, or he's violated your trust or hurt you in other ways, this is the one thing you should definitely not do. Putting up this wall is a small act that could snowball into a bigger rupture. It's a little acorn of mistrust that prevents deeper connecting, and could cause future actions of his to be seen in a more negative light.

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Sequtacoy t1_iujyx78 wrote

There are valid fears and all long term couples have had these exact feelings. I think the only thing you both can do is just wait and see, which sucks but it’s the only thing to do. Maybe have a time line for these things is it’s less overwhelming? Like move in before you both move to a new town, maybe at a year you can talk about mining in together and instead of a year lease just do 6 months as a way to have an outlet. Maybe after a year of living together you decide to both move. Maybe after __ years you decide to ____. Maybe that could be a way for him to see these big things have no rush and if things do end, you both have a less painful way to leave? Sounds bad I know, but maybe that’s something you both might like better that way in something happens you won’t have to worry about owing 5 months rent but only owe 1 month if you change your mind. It’s great you’re both talking about this and I don’t think he’s doubting YOU, it’s more that real life and the “big decisions” are scary and you don’t know if it’s right until you do it. It’s a valid fear and normal for everyone. My bf and I are the same ages you two are and when we had these conversations I was terrified. It helped me to do the smaller stuff to eventually lead to the bigger. My biggest fear was living together so to help prepare us both to go through with it I would stay a few days at his place or vice versa so we could develop our routines and make sure living together felt right. After a few months of that (6 or so?) we felt like moving in wouldn’t be a big change and it was a smooth transition. Now after two years of loving together we aren’t as scared to one day get married. It doesn’t feel scary because we already live together and marriage technically won’t be that different. It help to do “practice” stuff to feel less stressed. Maybe you both should come up with “practice” things to do

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AscendedKin t1_iujgol7 wrote

I would be concerned personally and start preparing for the strong possibility he may be already planning to abandon the relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with having fears however you should know beyond the shadow of a doubt whether you plan to committ to somebody or not.

If he is still debating that in his head that is fine, but before you make any life plans with him and he with you, that part needs to be completely clear in both your minds.

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