My bf is threatening self-harm because of a conversation we had

Submitted by chucklago555 t3_yip88o in relationship_advice

Last week, I (19F) had a conversation with my boyfriend (20M) expressing the fact that I was unhappy in the relationship. I feel that this relationship is bringing us both down. I have lots going on in my life, but my boyfriend wants to be taken care of without giving me support or care in return. After i talked to him, he said he’d ‘try’ to do better, but he said it probably wasn’t possible to meet my expectations. (Which aren’t high, btw. I just want to be able to get some emotional support when I’m down, or have him run out to get cold medicine when I’m sick.)

He was treating me well for a few days, but today when he knew I had things to do he begged me to stay with him and comfort him cause he said he was feeling insecure and sad about our conversation. He then said that he wanted to self-harm because I made him feel inadequate. I understand that he’s going through a tough time right now, but I just don’t have the energy for this. I feel like he’s manipulating me into walking back what I said and just accepting the little he’s willing to give, but I’m also worried that I’ll be responsible for ruining his life if I break up with him.

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peakpenguins t1_iujrf0k wrote

> I feel like he’s manipulating me

He is.

You are not responsible for his life or his well-being. If he's wanting to self-harm, the answer should be him getting professional help. Not you putting your life on hold to care for him, which is clearly what he wants.

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SmallTownMortician t1_iujrw9b wrote

Threatening self harm in response to you being unhappy, or wanting to leave is ABUSE. Hes saying what he has to to maintain control over you. Do not tolerate this, it's a dangerous situation for you both.

If he's in such a bad spot that you leaving over not being treated well is going to cause him to self harm, you are in no position to help him anyway. Contact someone on his end that can watch him, a friend or family member, help find mental health resources if you're feeling generous, then get out.

His health and safety IS NOT your responsibility. It's a shitty situation but you absolutely can not light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. You are your first responsibility. Any energy you have after you've ensured your own happiness and safety is what you give to others, no exceptions.

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luvduvbunny t1_iujrcpz wrote

You are 100% correct…. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU into staying in the relationship

It will never be your fault if he does self-harm

Don’t let others make you feel bad if you break up. He ruined is own life

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sanguinare12 t1_iujrz62 wrote

> I’m also worried that I’ll be responsible for ruining his life if I break up with him.

He won't be ruined. He'll be single. There's a difference. Understand the difference. He'll have to deal with his own needs, which are not huge. Asking for some minimal effort in a relationship shouldn't result in disaster. He's carrying on like the world is ending. It's not.

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JemimaAslana t1_iujsff2 wrote

Yep. That's manipulation.

He was stewing for a couple of days and now, when you have stuff to do, he suddenly "needs" you. No he doesn't. He just wants his mommy, ie. You.

The correct response is: "Nope, I'm going. I've received no support, so I have none left to give. Call this [hotline], I have somewhere else I need to be."

If he chooses to escalate to actual selfharm, you call emergency services for him. You'll either be getting him help he needs for a problem beyond your ability to deal with, or you'll be calling his bluff. Both is good.

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pancho_2504 t1_iujsnka wrote

The minute someone tries to force you to do something you don't want to do by threatening to hurt themselves it's time to leave.

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CrystalQueen3000 t1_iujrma8 wrote

It’s good that you can see his manipulation for what it is.

Don’t fear breaking up with him because of what he could do, he’s fully responsible for his own actions. Threatening to harm himself if you leave or don’t do what he wants is an abuse tactic.

He’s got some issues to work out on his own, don’t let this guy derail your life and all the good things you have going for you.

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_iujusuj wrote

Call him out for being a manipulative bastard and tell him that you love yourself too much to stay with someone who treats you like trash.

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TrayalPS t1_iujxa9x wrote

Your BF is an emotional vampire. See the heading for "The Victim" in that link.

Emotional vampires target people with real kindness and empathy, and then prey on those qualities to compensate for their own inadequacies and lack of self esteem. He is absolutely manipulating you, and will suck you dry if you stick around him. Cut him loose.

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