My Bf thinks it’s okay not to tell me his plan’s because “we don’t live together”

Submitted by InspectionAntique764 t3_yiqx0z in relationship_advice

My bf and I had a talk yesterday and we were talking about what we have going off in future weekends and he made it very clear that he doesn’t feel the need to tell me if he’s going out or where. I’m not one to check on him 24/7 but just a heads up would be nice. He said that’s the end out it or hell out the phone down and go awol and if he does that I’ll never see him again. This is all new I have no idea what’s going on. Any advice I’m just abit shocked at the minute and don’t know what to say.

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iuk1de6 wrote

> He said that’s the end out it or hell out the phone down and go awol and if he does that I’ll never see him again.

That's not normal at all to threaten to break up and never see him again. I'd consider that a red flag and leave.

As for checking in, even when we weren't living together, my partners and I would check in plenty of times just because we were excited to tell each other what we were doing and to make plans.

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Paranoia_Pizza t1_iuk2yta wrote

Yea same.

I'd be like, ok, bye then. But after a year I can understand why you wouldn't want to.

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InspectionAntique764 OP t1_iuk37c5 wrote

That’s what I would have done 6 months ago but we have built up a lot and have been fine I don’t know if he’s just having a problem that he doesn’t know how to express

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Paranoia_Pizza t1_iuk3fga wrote

Yea it's really bizarre.

Maybe you could try talking to him about it again from a "are you OK?" Approach.

It's not normal to not know what you're partners doing at weekends.. how can you plan things with them if you don't know.

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InspectionAntique764 OP t1_iuk3n6b wrote

Exactly I have no problem if he’s going out with his friends or whatever. Just make time for me and let me know what’s going on and if plans need to be changed that’s okay

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Paranoia_Pizza t1_iuk3qdy wrote

I really think you'll need to talk to him about it again tbh

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InspectionAntique764 OP t1_iuk3unu wrote

I definitely need to. I’ll try again face to face and see what happens. Thank you

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Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_iuk4azh wrote

Sunk cost fallacy.

6 months ago or today it doesn’t matter. Same abusive behavior.

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InspectionAntique764 OP t1_iuk1rsf wrote

I tell him all the time just out of curtsy if I’m going out or what my plans for the next day are. We’ve never had any problems like this before and we’ve been together over a year.

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iuk261u wrote

Wow for over a year? He sounds like he has avoidant issues or is hiding another life. Have you talked to him about moving in together and the future?

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InspectionAntique764 OP t1_iuk2xli wrote

He definitely avoids serious/important conversations. This is the way it’s making me feel like somethings not right. Yeah we are currently saving for a house and have been actively viewing properties

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iuk6yvw wrote

I mean you're looking for clues when something isn't right when his actions are showing outright he's abusive.

It is emotional abuse to threaten to fall off the face of the earth in order to end a discussion. Is this how all conflicts will go- if he wants to end the discussion, he threatens to disappear on you?

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MuddaFrmAnnudaBrudda t1_iuk5khj wrote

Been married 22 years. Before we married we lived apart and I didn't know where he was going in his spare time and vice-versa. I didn't need to unless we were meeting. Why would I?

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[deleted] t1_iukc07w wrote

Time to find someone else. If two people like each other they check in with each other because they like being together.

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