Am I just a fetish?

Submitted by r3cklessiguana t3_yimia8 in relationship_advice

TL;DR: my (f24) boyfriend (m26) has only exclusively dated women of a certain ethnicity (same as me). I feel unsettled by this but unsure if I am overthinking it.

My (f24) boyfriend (m26) seems to have only dated women of a certain ethnicity. We've been together for about 2 years. It crossed my mind before but I had just ignored it.

He has made reference to some of my features before and how much he likes them but has never brought up any race-centred dirty talk or anything in the bedroom.

I did jokingly ask him once if he did have a thing for said ethnicity, which he denied and didn't have much to say about it even when I pushed the line of enquiry.

It's very much on my mind at the moment and I worry I'm just a "conquest"?

Just wanted to know if my thoughts and feelings of being unsettled are misplaced? Maybe I have too much time on my hands for overthinking?

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments regarding this, you're right and I just needed to hear impartial reassurance that there's nothing to worry about :)). Unsure why the concept of a preference hadn't crossed my mind lmao but thank you!

10

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Sattalyte t1_iujdnk7 wrote

He clearly has a preference for your ethnicity, but if he's been with you for 2 years, it sounds like it's working out.

Its OK to have a preference.

26

Pinwurm t1_iujgubc wrote

Sometimes it's fetishization.

Sometimes its just an interesting happen-stance.

You've been together for 2 years, and you haven't experienced any race-related objectification from him.

It's more than likely the features he likes about you are unique to you. If he says you have "beautiful ____", it's probably because you have beautiful ____.
It doesn't have to mean anything more than that.

Even if he has some unconscious racial preference in dating, there's a huge line between that and abject fetishization. You might have some of those same unconscious preferences.

Overall, this sounds like this is an area in which you're experiencing some insecurities. I understand where those feelings may be coming from and you should know they're normal.

I would recommend two things. The first is to objectively look at your relationship and ask a few questions. Are you happy? Do you communicate healthily? Do your goals and values align? Can you trust each other?

I have a feeling you're going to answer those questions positively.

The next is to talk to him a little more about how you're feeling. Make sure he understands. More to the point, you may have to tell him what you need. He may not know.
If you need reassurances, tell him that.
If there's a compliment he uses that doesn't sit right with you, tell him about it and maybe offer an alternative.

You'll figure this out, hopefully.

15

UnsightlyMeat t1_iujt23i wrote

Do you feel like he treats you like a fetish? Does he say racist, weird things?

Everyone has a type. If he’s not being weird about it then I think it’s fine.

7

juicyth10 t1_iujf40r wrote

Just a preference, I have mine to

3

WildlyUninteresting t1_iujd958 wrote

It’s 2 years. If you are happy in the relationship then you are overthinking it.

Maybe you are trying to self sabotage?

2

AutoModerator t1_iujcsj7 wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

Shibui50 t1_iujfhlf wrote

Eh...you DO know what a "fetish" is. right? Having a preference for a particular ethnic, religious or cultural group is NOT a fetish, and we would be a pretty staid species if everybody liked the same things and had the same preferences. Despite what the media would lead us to believe there is a lot more going on in what we find attractive, enjoyable and satisfying than just our thoughts and opinions.

I would not even try to guess what feeds your SO preferences but I DO know that you seem to report that there is more discomfort about this issue from your side than from his. Some people casn go their whole lives and never find a compatible partner. Unless there is something identifiably toxic going on, why do you savor the fact that you may have what a lot of people only wish they could have. FWIW.

1

r3cklessiguana OP t1_iujgg6e wrote

Silly question, but what would differentiate between a fetish and preference?

1

Shibui50 t1_iujhvql wrote

Excellent question. A preference is a tendency and is not causal. A fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire wherein sexual expression (and often times gratification) is inordinately linked to a person, place or thing. Thats not what the OP is describing.

5

schux99 t1_iujuo0t wrote

I only date people of a particular ethnicity (same ethnicity I am).

Now I'm less fussy when it comes to just sex but anything that is actually dating that could have a future the guy must be this particular ethnicity. For me it's not a fetish it's about having the same culture to raise children in.

Now this is just me and I can't speak for your bf but only you can decide if you can live with those thoughts if you don't trust his answer.

1