My father is cheating on my mother

Submitted by Throwaway785587 t3_yilz3v in relationship_advice

Hi, a bit of infodumping before I get into it and I’m so sorry for the mess of text, english isn’t my first language:

I’m a legal adult but I still live with my parents idk if that’s relevant.

So my mom works away from home so she’ll be gone ten days and then be home for ten days. When she’s home she drinks quite frequently, however some nights my dad will join her and they’ll have a good time together. Most of the time my mom won’t become like blackout drunk but it really depends from week to week, some periods of time she won’t drink at all but sometimes it’ll be every day(and night), my point with this is, she’s not addicted she just drinks a lot in certain periods of time.

So to what happened; The cheating situation started roughly three years ago with my dad bringing home another girl and them loudly having drunk sex at roughly three in the morning, the day after I went to a friends house so I never actually took part of the aftermath and it got somewhat left untalked about, I’m not sure if my dad knows I know about it or not.

A few weeks after I saw a text popup on his phone saying something like ’Tonight at my place?’ but he quickly swiped the notification away. After that it seemed to calm down, until last night that is.

At first I assumed he just had a friend over but they ended up getting drunk

In the morning I went downstairs and was going to ask if he needed something from the store since I was going, the bedroom door was open and by walking closer I could see the bottom half of a girl ’twitching’ as if she was startled by me, my dad wasen’t there (either in the bathroom or out smoking I don’t know) but I backed away and went to the store leaving the situation

Now in all honesty my only evidence for that night was that she was in his bed (single bed, parents don’t share a room), I didn’t hear any noises the night before so I’m basing the cheating on the past, tbh I don’t even know if it’s the same girl from years ago but my problem is I don’t know wheather or not to tell my mom when she get’s back from work, I didn’t tell her the first time and tbh I don’t know if my dad even knows I know. I do however know that my mom suspected him of cheating years ago but from my understanding nothing became of that.

Now like I mentioned, my mom drinks a lot, this is due to depression so I fear that if I tell her it could be enough to push her over the edge so really I’m at a loss here. Sorry for the mess of words but what I’m asking is advice on if I should tell her or if its not my place to do so, thanks for advice <3

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Now_Villager t1_iujawql wrote

I think it's your father you need to confront. How dare he put you in this position? Really cheap. My guess is he wants someone else to take responsibility and doesn't care if you do tell your mother.

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Throwaway785587 OP t1_iujb67m wrote

I don’t think he knows I know though so he didn’t really ’put me in this position’, he acts normally so idk rlly

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SmartFX2001 t1_iuk7dwr wrote

He put you in this position by bringing his girlfriend to the house where he lives with his wife and children, to spend the night!

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Sattalyte t1_iujdbvf wrote

If your parents don't share a room, its sounds like they 'broke up' long ago, but they stay together as they are partners in life if not in sex.

I'll tell you a cautionary tale OP. A teenage girl posted on this sub many months ago, having found out her father was cheating and asked what she should do. Everyone on this sub urged her to tell the mother.

A few days later, the girl posted at update, saying she'd told her mother, but it didn't go well. Her mother resented her for telling an uncomfortable truth, her father had disowned her, and she was distraught at the chaos her intervention had caused. She wrote many paragraphs about how much she regretted being the catalyst that destroyed her family, and that she wished she'd never taken the advice of the sub. And predictably, everyone on this sub downvoted her into oblivion.

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Throwaway785587 OP t1_iujdz3n wrote

Oh that sounds awful poor girl.

As for the rest they go through bad and good patches (Seems to be dependant on my mothers drinking but I’m thinking that her drinking has reasons too so ?), but they’ve had a good patch now so the cheating rlly caught me off guard ig?

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Sattalyte t1_iujf7yl wrote

What you do is up to you. I've always lived my life with the philosophy that we should stay out of other people's business. This sub vehemently disagrees with that, and will urge you to tell your mother, but I would caution otherwise. Your parents relationship is their own, and it's for them to work through their lives.

If I found one of my friends or family was cheating, I would take it to the grave with me.

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Throwaway785587 OP t1_iujfpwk wrote

I feel like she deserves to know, she’s a great person and deserves someone who wouldn’t betray her like this, but at the same time I worry that her mental health will drop even further if she does find out, but thank you for your advice, made me feel somewhat less shitty for not telling her yet

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knittedjedi t1_iuk1tan wrote

Genuine question, yes or no answer. Do you think she deserves to be able to make an informed choice about who she's in a relationship with?

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Healthy_Charity2015 t1_iujv8rk wrote

If you're an adult, maybe it's time to get your own place, where your parents' sex life can't bother you.

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