How would you feel about your partner going out with a friend of the opposite sex?

Submitted by lifeissoupiamf0rk t3_yijghq in relationship_advice

Hi,

So I (19) currently have a bf (19) and he seems to not be on the same page as me as to what being spontaneous means to me. Additionally, he has recently stated that he would be perfectly happy with staying in the house all the time. I by no means mean to bash what he enjoys but I do not enjoy doing just that. From when we first started dating I’ve made it clear that I like going out on activity based dates - and not just going out to eat every weekend.

I often want to try new things and it’s come to a point where I feel like I’ll discuss doing them with my bf but the plans never fall through.

I think it would be best for me to go to these places with a male friend. I would go with a girl friend, and i’m sure they would, but I feel that they would just say “even though i’d go with you me and my bf would like to go here together”.

Tldr: I want to go lots of places as I like going out. My bf doesn’t want to as much or at all. I feel like a male friend would be a good option to go to these places with. Opinions?

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peakpenguins t1_iuiy2bz wrote

>I would go with a girl friend, and i’m sure they would, but I feel that they would just say “even though i’d go with you me and my bf would like to go here together”.

Why? Are these places romantic in nature? Couples activities?

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuiyhcx wrote

Not necessarily. But I feel that if someone was to go they might choose to go with their bf/gf despite that anybody could go. For example, funfair, arcade etc. I don’t necessarily see these places as couple activities but others around me do

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Disdain690 t1_iuj1daf wrote

And why wouldn't a male friend want to go with their gf instead? You're not making sense. Do you only have single male friends and no single girl friends?

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peakpenguins t1_iuiyr2g wrote

Ahh. Well, I personally don't have any problem with opposite sex friendships. I can't speak for your boyfriend though, you'll have to discuss it with him.

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Jazzisa t1_iuj0csc wrote

I don't think the problem is the gender of the person you're going with, more the mindset. Like, if someone feels the need to make a date out of everything.. me and my female friends do fun stuff together all the time.

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Robojobo27 t1_iuiy93g wrote

Some of my closest friends are female due to the fact that I work in a largely female dominated environment, some of my girlfriends closest friends are male due to her having a small but close circle of friends from the small village she grew up in and now working in a largely male dominated environment, I don’t have any issue with her spending with her male friends and she has no issues with me hanging out with my female friends.

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rathrowawaysadgyal t1_iuiyran wrote

I dont understand why the gender of who you take matters, wouldnt it be more logical to take whoever would enjoy that place as much as you would?

Also, I would tell someone that I’m fine staying in the house all of the time because I am. But I do enjoy outings, I just like a very well planned outing. Does he ever plan real dates?

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Baphometwolf83 t1_iuiyucz wrote

So youre with someone that isnt into the same things as you? Not liking the same shows or snacks is one thing, but being in a relationship with someone who rather stay in when you made it clear u like to actually go do things.... just seems like yall are wasting each others time

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ishouldvoicemario t1_iuja4zq wrote

Exactly. She wants to do these things as dates with her bf, but he doesn’t reciprocate. So she wants to then go do these things with other men, but suddenly it’s no longer a date.

Why even date someone who doesn’t like doing these things with you?

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Own-Understanding428 t1_iuiz6ax wrote

No. At that point just break up with your bf. You will soon gravitate your emotions to the guy friend unconditionally. If he can’t go bowling, picnics etc just adventure off in life. Your 19 dating a old man who likes being in the house respectfully.

Try indoor activities. If he says no to those then yeah my paragraph one.

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj49rx wrote

Thank you. What indoor activities you suggest? I’m aware of dates to do indoors like movie night or puzzles but not indoor activities?

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Own-Understanding428 t1_iuj5ydx wrote

Get a gaming system. Xbox, ps4/5 Invite friends over for uno, party jack and more. You can do together Painting , each other’s hair, cooking a new recipe like sushi,

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LhasaApsoSmile t1_iuizdxs wrote

What does the gender of the person you are going with matter at ALL? If you are going with a friend, gender does not matter in this situation.

Consider that maybe you and bf are not a good match.

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Cute_peach69 t1_iuj3uwu wrote

We’re in a very similar situation however, its the other way around. I’m introverted —- I love planning, being mentally ready, staying in cause it makes me happy and SO is an extrovert.

We talk and fight a lot about going out before but we learnt how to compromise and there’s no way it’d be fine to either of us thinking it’d be “best” to go out with “another” gender to go to places rather than convincing ur partner to go with u. That’s so disrespectful. Also, for sure your girlfriends wont say the same thing as what you’re thinking not unless the places you fancy going is intended for couple…

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj4ehi wrote

How did you compromise?

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Cute_peach69 t1_iuj4wjo wrote

I agreed going out with him 2-3x a week for party, food in a restaurant and meeting new people.

Most weekends — we just stay in, order food, go for a swim near his home or gym, and sleep.

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lollysugar t1_iuizdvg wrote

I wouldn’t be happy about it, especially if it was as a substitute for me.

That being said, it doesn’t bode well that he NEVER wants to do anything with you other than stay at home. He should be making more of an effort, if not, might want to reconsider your options because this is the sort of thing that causes bitterness and resentment (and therefore, a breakup).

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj3z6a wrote

Thank you. I’ve voiced that not going out for a long time makes me unhappy and eventually will cause resentment so i’ll maybe discuss this

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Disdain690 t1_iuj12s9 wrote

So you want to go on dates with another man? It's weird how you're specifying a gender rather than trying to go out with any friend.

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj4592 wrote

I’m not trying to go on dates. For example, there’s an arcade i want to go to. My bf doesn’t and I asked my bff who does want to go, but wants to go with her bf instead. An outing doesn’t equate to a date unless we specific it as such

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ishouldvoicemario t1_iuj56oz wrote

Why would you need to go with a male friend? You have absolutely no female friends who would do things with you?

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj61x7 wrote

I explained it in the post and another comment. I feel like most people would ask their partner to do things with them despite the fact that these activities are not only for couples

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ishouldvoicemario t1_iuj6kgo wrote

They can do other things with their partners too… My girlfriend goes on hikes with her friends who are in relationships all the time and knows I also enjoy hiking.

I think it’s strange that you feel it would need to be a male friend. If my girlfriend came up to me and said she wanted to do more activity based dates, then tell me that she’s going to do said activities with male friends specifically, I’d consider that a big red flag.

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happyplumb t1_iuj02th wrote

I would see this as disrespectful to my relationship. I do think you need to do things to protect your relationship.

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lifeissoupiamf0rk OP t1_iuj3u4w wrote

Would you explain why? Id like to here other perspectives

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happyplumb t1_iuj4acc wrote

If my partner has friends of the opposite sex I'm fine with that as long as I met them & there is no inappropriate conversation. But I think meeting a new friend, texting them, going out alone is not ok. It puts your partner in a position to cheat

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