Ok here's some back story, we've been together for about 9 years. For the first 3-4 years we were incredibly intimate, always having sex. Then I gained some weight and he didn't touch me for over 18 months. He said some mean things heated in arguments such as we stopped having sex because I got fat, that he hates going down on me, that it's because I always cause fights etc. He's apologized since and we've tried to get back to a normal sex life. But I no longer want him to touch me or be intimate because all that goes through my head is that he's judging me. He tells me I'm sexy etc and I find myself wearing shapeless clothes so he can't look at my body to judge it. I don't know how to communicate this to him. Help

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#401,132

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BullMcWifeStealer t1_iujia5m wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:16 PM

#401,243

The best way is complete honestly. Tell him how those words made you feel and how that’s killing you sex drive and desire to be intimate with him. Hold him accountable for how he made you feel

yowen2000 t1_iujig6q wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:17 PM

#401,308

He needs to hear everything you've told us here. But it's possible it would turn into another argument, so if you feel that's highly likely, I think your best bet is couples therapy.

catluvr1312 t1_iujixiw wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:20 PM

#401,485

You can‘t move past this without working through it. I‘d recommend couples therapy. What he did and said was very hurtful, I don‘t think this is very easy to resolve. Don‘t force physical intimacy if you haven‘t repaired the emotional intimacy.

nornae t1_iujjggf wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:24 PM

#401,689

Maybe sitting down with him and having an honest conversation about everything would be helpful. Like telling him how much his words hurt you and have damaged your self esteem. Even if he already apologized it does not mean those feelings he caused just magically disappear.

But on the other hand you need to work on yourself aswell, if you are able to get professional help to work on your self esteem, it sounds like you could really benefit from building yourself up more, maybe get a hobby, were you can express yourself and gain more confidence.

mwise003 t1_iujkvwg wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:34 PM

#402,244

You either communicate and come to terms with it or you divorce. Marriage without intimacy isn't a marriage worth having.

Also, sex should never be a bargaining chip or used to get your way. I get you don't feel attracted to him after the awful things he said.... that doesn't mean you two shouldn't be trying to fix it.

Maybe marriage counseling?

Upbeat_Vermicelli983 t1_iujnyeu wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:55 PM

#403,475

You need to see sex therapist as couple!!

Explain how you feel. Please do not ignore his need also. Find arrangement between you and him that helps

Healthy_Charity2015 t1_iujtzvc wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:38 PM

#406,074

Sometimes, we don't get to decide what we find/don't find sexually attractive. I may get downvoted to hell for writing this, but you can't force him to like something he just doesn't.

dragondude101 t1_iujvck9 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:48 PM

#406,677

Then divorce him, but you can't have it both ways. Words are tricky, because regardless of what they were said, they obviously can't be taken back. But if you can't move on, then move on from the relationship, you both deserve it, and he sounds like a ninkapoop.

cawingcrowcaw t1_iujvnvs wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:50 PM

#406,802

I would say…

“ hey, you know, I have something I need to tell you. I don’t know how else to say this but when you insulted me about my weight during our arguments, and the fact you never went down on me and it just always causes fights, I just don’t know if I want to have sex anymore, I know you have apologized and have told me I’m sexy, but I just can’t believe you anymore and I am just so deeply hurt by what you have said that I cannot forget it and it effects my desire to be intimate with you”

Or something like that.

So the main thing is that if he gets angry or blames you or tries to turn it around on you for bringing your feelings to the table, you should leave.

A conversation about feelings should never end in an argument.

But if he wants to fix it and seems apologetic and remorseful, then I think you guys can decide from there where you want to go with the relationship or decide whether it’s too broken to fix.

Edit: more details, clarification.