Submitted by mybusiness-noturs t3_yimchd in relationship_advice
About five years ago, it was made apparent that my father had been cheating on my mother for over 10 years. Although this was painful to overhear, I had sort of hoped that my parents would get divorced because I always knew they had not been in love for a long time. I knew they would not because it would shatter my younger sister, who is on the spectrum and struggles socially.
It makes so much sense why my father was so mean during those years. He wasn’t abusive but just mean. Dinner time was never lively, but I always tried to start conversations. Growing up I was so curious about the world, I had so many questions about things like movies and politics, but at the dinner table, it was so quiet. No one really had anything to say. And sometimes my dad would get turned off by my excitement and just shut me down.
Fast forward to today, my parents are still together, and I can tell that my dad is trying very hard to be a good father, but I know he is not in love with my mom. I’m in a serious long-term relationship, and I was very nervous about my boyfriend meeting my parents. His parents are in love, and I can tell they take good care of each other.
I understand that all families are dysfunctional in their own way, but it’s clear to me that I come from a more broken family than his. Recently, the woman whom my dad cheated with texted my phone number, I’m not sure what she wants but this is her second time texting me. She texted me 3 months before asking for my dad’s name, and when I asked who was texting me I got no answer.
This time she asked me if I was Robert, and I asked who she was, and she told me “I am Emily.” Which is the name of the other woman. It’s stressing me out a lot, and my respect for my father is wavering. It makes me feel lonely that I cannot fully be myself with my family. I don’t have anyone to talk this out with, so it’s extra stressful in that sense. I worry that if my boyfriend learns this, then he will be turned off by me and lose respect for my father. It just sucks to have to keep this to myself and deal with the emotional consequences alone. It feels unfair to keep it to myself, especially when my boyfriend can tell that I am feeling down or thinking deeply about something.
robintheyounger t1_iujisvd wrote
I mean is your bf the type of person who judges people by their families? Is he from a culture that holds family "behavior" or "appearance" in high regard? If he's not then this feels like your own shame over your father's behavior spilling over into anxiety about what other people will think, when I think most sensible people would see that and go "ah what a shame your father is a jerk, must've sucked for you" and wouldn't use it to judge *you* as a bad person. You're not responsible for your father's bad actions. In fact it seems you condemn those actions quite consistently and seriously. Why not just open up to your boyfriend, since you say it's a "serious long-term relationship." So what if he sees that your parents are dysfunctional? As long as the two of you are treating each other well and it's not affecting your relationship, all it does is give him a little more information about your upbringing and in fact could be helpful in the future for giving you both context to be better communicators.