I worry I’m being selfish with sex

Submitted by Forrelatiobshipadvjc t3_yi9492 in relationship_advice

18f and 18m. I’m his first everything but he’s been really enthusiastic and he gives head all the time and says he loves it and we have sex regular.

But I’m pretty passive, I havnt given him head once vs the countless times he has to me now. I don’t even touch his dick when we make out or any of that I let him do everything I don’t go on top I havnt even given him a handjob.

He hasn’t asked for anything at all not even once. But I’m guessing he would like me to start putting in more effort.

And it’s not that I don’t want to do these acts they are a fantasy it’s just I’m anxious about having any kind of responsibility. And a part of me does like what we have going on at the moment because it’s easy and there’s no room for me to fuck anything up because I’m kinda an anxious person.

3

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

AlHazard33 t1_iuhiob6 wrote

Being that passive isn't cool tbh. Experiment, try to get in charge, do things. Because yes, he doesn't have a comparison, but looking back he will realise this wasn't great

And yes, trying and experimenting together can be awkward sometimes, funny other times - and incredibly sexy most times. Give it a try.

59

LaSorbun t1_iujdqvv wrote

>And a part of me does like what we have going on at the moment because it’s easy

A lazy lover would get old so fast.

Fulfillment rarely comes from taking the easy path. You may want to take some initiative before he starts realizing what he might be missing out on. You may be his first, and he might not feel like he's missing anything right now, but you better hope he doesn't have friends or the internet because he's going to find out some day that there are women that are really enthusiastic about receiving AND giving.

8

BelmontIncident t1_iuhk1lv wrote

You could start by asking what he'd like to try.

24

George_Ocean t1_iuhiwuc wrote

Communication matters a lot in those situations. Ask him what he'd like for you to do. Ask him how he'd like it. While things are happening ask what feels good and what doesn't.

Sex can often be about trail and error and figuring out what feels good for you and for your partner. Talk to him about it and it'll become easier. The first times trying things are always the hardest so don't worry too much.

You shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with though but if you genuinely would like to take it a step further and do more just have conversations about it and figure it out together.

18

NeverPostAnything69 t1_iuhky0q wrote

Honestly, just do it. I was anxious at first, too, but guaranteed even if it's not good the first time, it'll get better each time you repeat it.

Edit: Also, it's not like he's gonna be like, "Wow, she fucking sucks at this." He's gonna be more like, "SHE'S TOUCHING MY PENIS. OMG."

9

UnsightlyMeat t1_iuivw84 wrote

How would you feel if he put in minimal effort into your pleasure?

9

KingAlastor t1_iuhiie0 wrote

This is perfectly normal. Most women are like that. When we, men, are 18, it's okay, we're glad to get to have sex. When we reach our 20s and 30s, we will think back of you as a really bad sex partner. In my personal experience, woman start to become interesting in bed from like age 25-27 and above. And as a young men it's very boring to bang "dead" women in bed but that's the best you can have so you take it. Now, it's up to you if you want to be a bad memory in your boyfriend's mind 15 years from now or not. You are exactly like my one girlfriend was when we were in the 25-26 range. Worst sex partner i've had (in a relationship). Having sex with a girl who doesn't seem enthusiastic about it feels like you're raping someone (without the violence part). The point is that young people don't have perspective. You will be an okay memory today but as the years go by and better (and worse) experiences accumulate, you will become worse and worse memory (in comparison).

7

CatelinaBaylorfan t1_iuhnipy wrote

How are you going to learn if you don't try? If you trust this guy, and you think he is a nice person, tell him. Tell him you don't have much experience or confidence with your hands or your mouth but that you want his guidance. Read up on it, ask your friends, meditate. Then go for it! These are life skills!

7

HappyHappy1970 t1_iuiojmv wrote

you are a very selfish lover, at some point he is going to resent this and it could lead to a breakup. be proactive and start giving him some attention. guys like to feel desired too.

7

catluvr1312 t1_iui6s5e wrote

What do you mean by responsibility?

Are you sure you‘re ready to do the things you‘re already doing with him? Anxiety, pressure and sex don‘t mix well.

2

AutoModerator t1_iuhi2nx wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

Darthkhydaeus t1_iuhm10o wrote

If you genuinely want to improve then do so. The first step is talking openly about it. Tell him you want to be better and ask what he would like you to do. Take baby steps and work your way to being just as involved. As others have pointed out men are told all the time that they are not good enough in bed, but lots of women in their early sexual experiences are super passive and just expect the guy to do all the work

1

eyecicey t1_iuhnq8m wrote

You can't really go wrong slowly moving out of your comfort zone with this guy , he is just super happy he is getting some and quite frankly even if you screw it up he will still be over the moon.

Perfect guy to improve your game with

1

Sea_Attempts t1_iuie6ca wrote

Communication is key, you should ask him. You should talk to your boyfriend about sex. Also fucking up is kinda hard unless you like... bend it. I'd also wouldn't be too concerned about giving him head, I don't know if it's just me but it is always like a cheese grater from any partner I've had 💀

As a side note, sort by controversial, tell me if you too had a physical cringe reaction

1

Aurin316 t1_iuhmfam wrote

As the great sage Eazy E once said “it don’t matter just don’t bite it”

0

Agreeable-Celery811 t1_iui99b6 wrote

Awww. He probably really does like going down on you! Does it get his dick hard? If so, that is something you guys are doing together that is really working for both you. He likes it, and you like it. You should expand from that comfort area.

You can try ordering him to do it, or teasing him about it. Put your finger in your wet pussy and make him lick it, and ask him if he likes the taste, and if he does, that he’d better get down there and finish it all up.

OR just make sure you are praising him a lot. Make your enthusiasm clear. He’ll love hearing your moans and gasps. Tell him all the time what a talented pussy licker he is and how hard he makes you come and how you can’t stop thinking about it etc etc etc

Even that is going to open things up for the two of you, and you haven’t even done anything different yet. I think dirty talking about the stuff you already enjoy can help loosen things up. YES it’s fun to be on top and ride; YES it’s fun to give great blow jobs. You will also do those things. But start where you’re comfortable.

I would suggest riding him as the easier thing to do next. I suspect it is a fail-safe thing to do with a man that age. Tell him you want to try being on top but you are feeling anxious so he has to be really patient and encouraging. He’ll want to be ridden so badly that he will be as encouraging as fuck. Lie him down on the bed and climb on top! You don’t have to bob up and down on him—you can also shimmy back and forth. Good luck.

When it comes to touching his dick, do the same thing. Say you want to touch it but you’re really nervous to do it wrong so can he be very encouraging?

−2

Lannisters-4-life t1_iui8rk5 wrote

I wouldn’t worry about screwing anything up… He’s gonna be pretty stoked regardless and guys aren’t exactly rocket science.

I mean right now it sounds like your not doing too much and he is ecstatic. Any sort of active involvement is only going to improve things.

−3

Donutduchess t1_iuhul0i wrote

He hasn't asked for it so don't worry. If he wants something sexually then he can ask.

As the manosphere loves to tout about women 'his orgasm is his responsibility'.. and I'm quite sure he is orgasming everytime during sex. So he's doing awesome. Heck society tells women to just enjoy the journey and she doesn't need an orgasm so he is doing way better than most women.

Never worry about being selfish about sexual activity with a man. Only concern yourself with his consent and your pleasure.

−14

UnsightlyMeat t1_iuivzh6 wrote

I weep for your sexual partners

10

Donutduchess t1_iuixfp8 wrote

Oh no. They get consensual sex. How horrible.

Oh no. If they want something they ask for it. How horrible I don't play mind reader and jump through hoops prioritizing projected stuff so I go out of my way for them.

−4

drfishdaddy t1_iuimm8e wrote

Wow, even if we take what is being spewed by “the Mano sphere”, as with all stereotypes, you can’t put that on individuals.

You are basically saying, men are selfish lovers, so you should be too. Even if that was overwhelmingly true, it doesn’t mean it’s true about this individual. In fact, she specifically said he is giving in bed.

Additionally, reducing sex down to just the pursuit of orgasm for someone clearly just getting started is damaging. I’m all about increasing the quantity of orgasms and the quality of them, but the quality of the sexual experience isn’t only relegated to orgasm achievement.

For the record, I’ve never told a woman “enjoy the journey, you don’t need to come”, nor am I aware of any individual I know communicating that to a partner.

5

Donutduchess t1_iuin7im wrote

I never said this individual was a selfish lover. In fact I never stated anyone was a selfish lover.🤨

I did say if he wanted X he would ask for X so don't worry about his wants instead focus on consent and your enjoyment.

Funny how quality sexual experience doesn't mean an orgasm is only/mostly directed at women. If sexual experience isn't relegated to orgasm achievement then you shouldn't be so upset about me advising her not to focus on his orgasms for sexual acts he never asked for. Yet here you are seemingly upset she is not going out of her way to please him.

What you have done for the record is irrelevant as nowhere did I call you out specifically in my response. Your defensiveness is misplaced and odd. I didn't accuse you of anything. I didn't accuse all men of anything. Heck my only mention of men is a specific subset aka manosphere and the turnaround of her orgasm is her responsibility.

−4

drfishdaddy t1_iuipfju wrote

If you think me saying sex is more than just orgasm achievement is a slight to women or a cop out for lack of results, you are mistaken.

You lobbied an accusation at OPs boyfriend by suggesting he be treated as you suggest to treat selfish lovers.

What I have done is as relevant as what anyone else has done, hence when you make a sweeping statement and some response with “I’ve never seen that”, it’s valid input to the frequency of the claim.

Seems like you need this! Good luck with life, hope this makes your day better!

https://imgur.com/a/uROSk4T

6

Donutduchess t1_iuipvw2 wrote

I never said it was a slight to women.

I did say this line is touted mostly/only to women. And pointed out how you say this while so upset at the notion of her not going out of her way to give him orgasms.

I never lobbied any accusation about OP's boyfriend. The only thing I said was if he wanted X he would ask for X.

The only sweeping statement I have made is just now when I said your line is something mostly/only directed to women.

It's really odd you trying to twist this as me generalizing men or attacking men when the only gender I generalized was just now and it's women.🤣

1

drfishdaddy t1_iuiruyv wrote

>As the manosphere loves to tout about women

>Heck society tells women to just enjoy the journey and she doesn't need an orgasm so he is doing way better than most women.

>quality sexual experience doesn’t mean orgasm is only/mostly directed at women.

You and I have a different understanding of the concept of generalizing/sweeping statement.

2

Donutduchess t1_iuis4z0 wrote

I never said I didn't generalize in fact I said I my only generalizarion was about women.

You didn't catch me in anything. I said I generalized women and you in fact showed that.

Your quotes dismantle your entire stance. I never attacked men. I never generalized men. I never accused OP bf of being a selfish lover.

I DID generalize and say women get bs copiute directed at the about their lack of orgasms.

My only mention of men in any context is like I said before about the manosphere which is a subset of men and even smaller population as it is about specific online spaces. Like damn dude you see me talk about a specific online group of men and boom that's generalizing all/most men...wtf

0

drfishdaddy t1_iuititu wrote

So to be clear, “the manoshpere” is not a word for men as a collective? When society tells women something, that isn’t representative of men? When something is only directed at women, you of course meant by other women, right?

5