[it’s a bit long i know please bear with me] I (F18) and my bf (M18) have been dating for three years now. Both my parents and his parents have made known to this for about a year now. This year, my boyfriend’s family has invited me on their year end family ski trip. My boyfriend has had a major exam this year and has been busy the whole year and next year in January he will have to enlist in the military. We want to spend more time with each other during his holidays after his exams and his parents thought it would be a good idea to bring me along on their family trip. I asked my dad if I could go and he is not happy and says if I go on the trip I am not thinking about how he feels and he will hate my boyfriend.

context: My dad and boyfriend have met a few times within the past year. So far they have had pleasant interactions with each other and my dad seemed to like him. I regularly go over to my boyfriends house during the weekends and therefore are closer to his parents. (my dad does not know I spend every weekend with them) My dad is a rather controlling father. When I was younger, he used to restrict me from going out with my mother and friends using the excuse that i needed to study. (eg: on sundays/public holidays i would have to stay at home except for educational purposes or if my dad wants to go out as a family; my dad works monday to saturdays and is only home on sundays/public holidays) As I grew older and moved onto tertiary education, this has stopped and has been less of a problem. However, this year when i started going to my boyfriends house on the weekends, i have been hiding it and doing it behind my father’s back as the few times i have told him i went to my boyfriends house, he has not been so happy about it. I would say my father is rather controlling and does not like when i spend time with other people.

back to the trip context: The trip is taking place in December 2022. It is november now. I initially asked my father about the trip in early august when i first got to know about it. He did not give me a response and told me he will think about it. As ticket prices were going up and running out, i told my boyfriend that it is ok to book the tickets first and i would find a way to convince him. My dad told me that he was not keen on the trip because 1. we were too young 2. he thinks it’s dangerous (because of covid and everything 3. i’m invading into my boyfriend’s family’s privacy (which to be made very clear, they said that i am not and neither of us asked for this trip) His concerns are all justifiable but all of them were addressed. Mid August, my boyfriends parents communicated with my dad to let him know about the plans of the trip and how they were totally ok with me going on the trip and was even looking forward to my company. this was also when my father had found out that my expenses in the trip was already paid for and plans had been made to accommodate me. He was not very happy about this and I felt that it was not right However at that point i did not know what to do and really wanted to go on the trip and thought he would be convinced and would come around. fast forward to early sept 2022 the weekend before I was supposed to leave on a trip with my mom (had been a few weeks since we talked about the trip) I went to my boyfriends house for dinner as they wanted me to make dumplings for them as they were celebrating an occasion. As usual, my father asked where i was and this time i chose not to lie (which now i know was a terrible mistake) and told him that I was at my boyfriends house. He blew up. He literally blew up. Over text he was screaming at me saying how I should not come back and just go and live with my boyfriends family. They can pay for my housing and my remaining education. He also said that because i had decided to go to their house that day, i am not allowed to go on that trip. He also said if I did, He would disown me.

The next day, was my trip and when i got home he was already asleep and we did not talk about the trip further. fast forward a month, I came back from the trip and was waiting for the right time to bring up the trip with him. Two days ago I finally did. It did not go well. He lashed out at me. He said that I had no right asking him again and that i booked flight tickets and made arrangements behind his back. He also said that my boyfriend was spoilt and kept saying if i went on the trip he will hate him. I broke down. This whole trip has been causing me a load of stress and anxiety. My father is making me choose between him hating my boyfriend, possible disowning me and him thinking I value others over him and forfeiting the whole trip (which btw my boyfriends parents are paying for except for the plane ticket which i am paying by myself with my own money) and my boyfriends family being potentially upset/disappointed and me losing the time spent with my boyfriend (the trip is almost 3 weeks long, when he comes back he will have to immediately enlist in the military). I honestly don’t know what to do. I am caught in between and I feel my dad is being really unfair and selfish. He keeps talking about how I am being unfair to him while he keeps making chose between him and my boyfriend. I am stuck and I need help. I cant sleep every night and as the time to go on the trip gets closer, i get more and more stress. My boyfriend is completing his last few exams and I don’t want him to feel stressed over this. Please help, I really don’t know what to do.