Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[deleted]

I tried to post it but it wouldn’t let me—I think the post was too long and I basically spent a hour on it and don’t know what to delete. I guess I’ll try posting it in the comments.

Neither Dump both

Toxic people in your life

Hi guys. So I had a previous post on here about a specific situation between my new bf and my long-term girl-friend that actually helped me get a lot of clarification on it. However, I now need help with the aftermath. A little bit of background:

I have two friends (25-26 F) who I met in graduate school who have both been in previous toxic relationships (although haven’t we all) and they are currently in their “we hate ALL men” phase. One of the two can be very controlling and kind of likes to make you feel dumb if you don’t listen to her advice. She’s tried to control me our entire friendship and I try not to let her. My other friend is a good friend (for the most part), but she definitely does/follows whatever my other friend says/does. After we graduated college, I wasn’t entirely sure where I wanted to move but my 2 friends convinced me to move to a city I was unfamiliar with, that was 6 hours away from my family, AND they knew I had no other friends that lived there other than them. I was up in the air for quite awhile as I had several people/friends tell me it probably was not a good idea—but these two convinced me otherwise.

Flash forward to 2-ish months later and I’m lowkey miserable. My job is better than it was at first, so that’s not a huge issue, but I hate the apartment/area I live in (another thing they convinced me to do—although they wanted me to live even closer and in even more expensive apartments like their’s). I chose this apartment because it was $400 a month CHEAPER than their’s but management sucks, I hate the parking, etc. etc. I also literally NEVER do anything fun because they both either never want to do anything OR they both don’t want to do what I want to do (it’s majority of the time a 2 vs 1 situation and I usually cave because why am I going to try to convince them to go out when they won’t). They actually did do something I wanted to for my bday and it was a movie in the park and they were on their phones the entire time :-) I could go on and on about previous experiences with them that either I “got over” or just “swept under the rug,” but that would be an essay.

So on the other hand, I FINALLY met a guy I liked after THREE YEARS of being single and out of a toxic relationship. I have never really had feelings for a guy (aside from my toxic ex) like I do for him. We have been dating for 6 months and most of it has been long distance. He’s extremely smart, from a good family, played college sports, buys me thoughtful presents, makes me laugh, and tbh something I never thought I’d want—he challenges me. I’ve always been a biiiig people pleaser and this man challenges me to challenge him (if that makes sense). He’s a big debater—like my dad, who also challenges me—and having that confidence that he gives me when we are arguing something and he backs down/changes his opinion because of me is insane. He has flown to see me 2 times already and already has plans to do more (because where he is stationed won’t allow me to stay on base with him).

Anyway, I’ve told these girl friends about how great he is and how I honestly could see this getting pretty serious (I tried not to talk about it a ton because I don’t want to rub it in their faces or anything while they’re all single and in the phase where they’re just hooking up with guys who don’t want to date them, sorta). But they did ask and I told them and ever since then I have felt some push back from the controlling friend (just a tad). Like when he came to visit me, instead of asking if we wanted to hang out with them, she planned alllll of this fun stuff without me (stuff she knew I wanted to do) so now of course I won’t be able to experience it because I have no other friends here (I am trying my darndest to make them so please don’t tell me to find other friends). But whatever, there’s not much I can do about that aside from start a fight which in the end will just end with them going 2 vs 1 and me feeling like my feelings don’t matter.

So my bf comes to see me a SECOND weekend (for my birthday) and the plan is for him to meet a few of OUR friends (including these two girls) that live almost an hour away at a party they were hosting. Of course I’m nervous because this is the first time I’ve brought a serious bf around my friends EVER (I didn’t know them when I was dating my ex).

So him and I down some alcohol and get a good buzz going. We decide us two and my two gfs are going to get an Uber together because it’ll lessen the price and he even has some Uber cash that he needed to use before the end of the month and he offered to just pay for the 45 min Uber ride and asked if we could pay it on the way home (which I thought was very nice as we’re all making about the same amount of money and he had already bought me lunch, a new pair of raybans, and a round trip flight to see me). Not once did they even say thank you (I guess I shouldn’t expect that, but it almost felt like they assumed he should pay for it because he was the guy—they’ve made comments before about how the guy should pay for everything always—and I just don’t agree with that).

So we get in the Uber, everything is going fine, we’re all talking in the back, they make convo with him, and then he gets on his phone because he’s in the passenger seat and we were talking about work. They proceed to ask him out of nowhere what he’s doing and who he’s texting (I could clearly see his phone and he was watching reels on insta). Then my bf and my Friend 1 (controlling one) proceed to have a bit of back and forth. It was a little stressful because both were giving little zingers back and forth (she said something about him being 12 years old aka a joke at his age compared to mine; he’s 23 and I’m 27).

Whichever side is trying to force you to do what they want you to do is in the wrong. That is controlling and you should stand up against that.

Anyway, at this point, I’m anxious as h*ll because although it seems like all in good fun, there was just a lot of confrontation, arguments, raised voices and because of my natural people pleasing personality I didn’t want any of that. But we go to the party anyway and of course continue to drink. My bf and I play beer pong and he is a little too competitive for my taste and gets kind of loud/obnoxious about a rule that he didn’t know about (especially as a guest at a friend’s house), but that to me is not a dealbreaker. We end of winning on said rule and I’m kind of annoyed but what can ya do. My two friends come out at that point and want to play us. We start playing, we start losing, and they start sending HARD digs at him (because unfortunately they are too competitive as well). A certain rule in BP only allows a girl to blow out the ball and a boy to finger the cup. My friend fingered it and both him and I were like “yeah, no you can’t do that, it doesn’t count.” He’s of course louder than me, because that is just him, and then she proceeds to call him sexist for saying that’s a rule (when we’ve been using that rule for years and she knows it). They then argued over another rule and this was just all getting very annoying for me and we ended up losing (mostly because I gave up playing well because I was so distracted by all of the confrontation). Sometime after this my friends proceed to antagonize him about having “red flags” and how they “hate all men, including him.” He thinks it’s funny and I am at this point hoping it’s just all jokes (although looking back I can now call them out for what they were—digs).

At this point my bf is in full drunk defense mode (something I have not personally seem him so to this extent) and he starts to argue with everyone he talks to. I am LIVID but also I don’t want to start a fight with him in the middle of this small party with my friends the first time he meets them (one of my many regrets from that night). So I politely try to tell him to basically tone it down—he doesn’t listen because I don’t act too mad about it and he doesn’t realize how serious I am. Throughout the night, my 2 girl friends continue to go into the bathroom without me and then proceed to sit across the room and whisper while looking at him and I talking (we were in a deep conversation and actually having a good time/bonding at this point). I felt EXTREMELY judged but I am also not one to confront people unless I am absolutely sure of what’s going on. My bf, however, IS confrontational and he proceeds to yell at them from across the room to “quit talking and come hang out with the rest of the party.” Of course, they say something witty back and he tries to follow up but at this point I am no longer listening. Towards the end of the night, him and I are talking about a TV show and I tell him that I actually have only seen the last episode and he tells me I’m a “f*cking idiot and he’s leaving me.” Now, I wrote this specially because I want you all to know what exactly he said so it doesn’t sound like I’m partial to him/making excuses for him. I do NOT agree with what he said, especially at the volume level/tone that he said it at. It sounded mean, I was embarrassed, and of course my friends all heard it. He actually interrupted me a couple of times at the party with his voice raised and called me several names (all of these in a joking manner, but I’m sorry, I don’t accept name-calling as a joke).

Finally, we decide to go home, and I order the Uber because I’m ready to get tf out of there and chew him out. Once we get into the Uber somehow my friend and him get into ANOTHER argument and I’ll be honest, I have no idea what point he is getting at/why he was even arguing it. Even the Uber driver said something about “what is wrong with you” and it was just embarrassing. I finally tell my bf to “shut the f*ck up and that this was embarrassing.” He IMMEDIATELY shuts up and we go home and go to bed.

I wake up the next morning feeling horrible because of the way he acted. We end up talking about it for awhile and he does apologize and admit he may have come off as a d*ck, but if he’s being honest, that’s his personality and that won’t change (so aka I can accept it or not). I did tell him that the deal breaker for me was the fact that he called me names—and he also apologized for that and said he wouldn’t do it again (although that has get to be proven). We actually almost end up breaking up because I’m so stressed/anxious about how he was around my friends and of course I’m also trying to be a good friend and not choose my recent bf’s side over their side (when I clearly thought he was being an ass too).

But I don’t hear from them all day and he finally has to fly back, and after deciding to stay together, both getting emotional, etc. he gets on his plane. It was miserable.

Finally, right before bedtime I get a text from Friend 1 (have not heard from Friend 2) and she asks if I want to talk about last night. I tell her I do, but not tonight because I am emotionally exhausted and need some time to reset (she was also at a friend’s birthday all day and send our group message pictures and stuff so I felt like she wasn’t really that mad). She tells me that she couldn’t believe she hadn’t heard from me yet and says that I’m basically being a shtty friend for not caring about her feelings and texting her. She also proceeds to tell me that she will not have a grown man talk to her the way he did and that maybe I will let him talk to me that way but she will NOT. And calls him an a**hole, tells me all of the other stuff (i.e. that they tried to avoid us all night, other people were talking sht, and that the Uber driver said something when we got out). ALL OVER TEXT. I respond a little bit but at this point I’m so hurt/exhausted and I am so against fighting over text that I barely respond. She proceeds to then tell me that we can still talk if I want, but she’s said everything that she wanted to say—so we could talk “whenever I wanted to,” but that she was done. At this point all I could say was “okay, if you’re done, I’m done.”

This was the longest post of my life and if ANYONE decides to read this novel I would be sooooo happy to hear your thoughts/advice on what I should do, etc. I’m just exhausted and tired of people pleasing and basically want to just tell my friends to f*ck off because I feel like they’ve been a really negative part of my life recently. I am NOT choosing my new bf over old girl friends, because, tbh, I may end up ending things with him depending on how I feel/he reacts/our next visit (if that even happens now). I need outsider opinions and am worried I’m making a wrong decision and/or am not seeing all sides. I know I am also at fault here and actually apologized to my friend for not de-escalating the situation earlier. I did also tell her and my bf that I felt like no one thought of my feelings or how seeing my bf and my friend arguing the entire night would make me feel. But it seemed to go in one of her ears and out the other. I don’t know what to do.

TL;DR: controlling, man-hating friend and confrontational, loud bf got into a huge shouting fight the first time they met at a party and now my friend (not my bf) is basically making me choose between them (a friendship of 3+ years vs a 6 month romantic relationship).

Im on boyfriends side after this story. Your girlfriends sound jealous.

> I think the post was too long

Then learn how to summarize? No way it needs to be that long.

My thoughts exactly!! Tbh when I told my bf how it made me feel, etc. he apologized, never said anything bad about my friends (even if he maybe wanted to), and also didn’t tell me I needed to choose (although he did say if I was unhappy with him I did not have to stay with him). My friend basically told me that he is a horrible person, has talked to my other friends that don’t live close by, told them HER side of the story, had them try to convince me that I deserve better, and then proceeded to chew me out and try to make me feel small.

Hey girl. I did read the whole thing. Sounds like a nightmare. I’ve dated a huge asshole in the past who my friends hated. I couldn’t even say his name around my best friend.

Listen- he treated you poorly in front of your friends and embarrassed you. He was starting fights and calling you names. He admitted to being an asshole and said he’s not going to change. I strongly recommend ending it. If you don’t, it will only get harder to end it later. I’m worried that you’re on the path to an abusive relationship.

Also- I’d recommend reaching out and apologizing to your friends and if they are mean about it instead of accepting, consider ending the friendships as well. Whether you end the friendships or not, I’d recommend trying to make some new friends.

Idk if you read the entire story (there are more comments), but the more I think about it and talk to other people about it, the more I begin to agree with you.

I’m sorry I don’t see the point of this comment or why you would take time out of your day to even comment on a post that really doesn’t matter to you :-)

Sounds like a "misery enjoys company" scenario. If i listened to my "friends" at the time id be with out my wife of 15 years that is my everything.

So from what i got from this is your so called friends spent the entire time trying to get him to argue and angry and they kept pushing him. The more he drank the more they were trying to get him going and it worked. They managed to get him angry and yelling at them and you, they dont seem like good friends at all, no matter who you date they will probably pull the same shit every time because they are miserable and you were somewhat happy before they got involved. As per your other comment, your boyfriend apologized this morning and didnt make you choose sides and said he would understand if you left him, your friends on the other hand started gossiping to another friend to get you to leave him and choose them instead, this comes across as some highschool jealous bullshit on the friends side. If you want to stay with bf try talking to him about setting boundaries when drinking with friends

Your friends sound catty, manipulating and controlling. They sound truly insufferable. Your boyfriend sounds like he got drunk and acted a fool, and this happens to the best of us. He's otherwise a decent dude. He probably wouldn't even have acted like that if your friends hadn't antagonized him, and they sound like they did that on purpose.

If I were you, I'd cut the friends loose and keep the boyfriend. I know you don't have other friends, but these girls aren't doing you any good to start with. They aren't supportive, they don't consider your feelings and they don't even hang out.

friends are usually a good barometer for how well suited your partner is for you. If they are rubbed the wrong way, perhaps that's something to consider. Ultimately it's up to you. Is this guy worth ending your friendship? Are your friends just straight up shitty?

From your description it seems like you like this guy, they may not be convinced because of your previous toxic relationship. But it sounds like they were going out of their way to make him feel uncomfortable and put him on edge. Alcohol was involved. However, the way your boyfriend spoke to you is not acceptable.

honestly for late 20s individuals you and your friends sound YOUNG. Maybe, find better friends? Find a partner that won't call you names in front of your friends (proving their point)? Your friends suck for embarrassing you and behaving that way in front of this person you said you liked, however, your boyfriend sucks because he then made a scene and lashed out at YOU.

If you want my honest opinion, find new friends. I don't know about the boyfriend. Maybe that won't work either. I wouldn't be able to shake the fear of him misdirecting anger at me and if that's how he speaks to you in anger in public what will he be like when he's angry in private?

Before I read the comment where you described everything i was thinking this was going to be like a situation where your friends maybe picked up on something you may have not clocked because of rose coloured glasses. HOWEVER, it sounds like everyone sucks here. it's ironic they called him a child when they literally were like petulant children trying to goad him into an argument to upset him and he took the bait and made more of a scene. They ended up harming you in the process as well.

Maybe you're better off taking some time, going to therapy, and finding new hobbies that will introduce you to new people.

​

eta

maybe its worth making a list of qualities you want to see in your friends and in a future partner, and reflect on why you haven't cut out these people before?

Thanks for the input!! I don’t know how else to explain this without sounding like I’m defending him—but I was in a not so good relationship before this and if I’m being brutally honest, I have gone to therapy, done a lot of soul searching, and know when a guy has potential to be abusive. I really don’t feel worried at all about that with him and tbh, if he showed any signs, I know for a fact I would not stay with him. For some reason, I feel like no one thinks I’m smart/strong enough to stand up for myself and know when I’m being manipulated. at this moment, I feel like I’ve been in an almost abusive relationship with my friends (I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them constantly and I honestly I’d rather be alone then hang out with them because of all of the meanness and negativity they bring around. I really feel like this whole ordeal was just the last straw that finally made me stand up to my friends for being not so good friends (especially as of recently).

I also believe in giving someone more than one chance (this was my bf’s first “f*ckup.”) I think alot of factors were involved and alot of bias by my friends have come into play. I also have given these girls soooo many chances (and I don’t think they realize it) and tbh, I feel very taken for granted/used by them.

The only person in this story that I like is you.

Your two 'friends' were obviously doing everything they could to put a wedge between you and your boyfriend, and he handled it pretty poorly.

That’s good to know!! Again, I’m not saying he is 100% the love of my life, but this is the first actual guy I’ve brought around him and they were so mean to him and me it was crazy. I’m like, if he IS the one, then I don’t want anyone treating him like that?? And if not, I don’t want my friends treating THE ONE that way!!

I also tried to look at it as if it were the other way around and one of my bf’s friends was baiting me by saying I had “red flags, he didn’t trust me, I was a child, etc.” and tbh I’d probably do the same thing as my bf (if not worse, by yelling at his friend at the party and making things a whole lot more awkward).

Thank you!! I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, it appears my friends are one and done and don’t believe in giving someone another chance (although I knew this already). So I guess if it does end up working out with him, they won’t be my friend anymore :-) which makes me sad because I don’t want to be known as the girl that chose a guy over her friends, but DAMN, why does it feel like no one sees my side and why I feel like my bf wasn’t (completely) un-justified??? (Again, I did make him take responsibility for it and he didn’t read me the right act for standing up for myself—he actually welcomed it).

To be honest you kind of sound like you enjoying this maybe you should just be in a relationship with your friends because I don't hear you didn't answer the bullshit that they try to apply today young man. You keep this up you going to be 37 and still single

After reading the whole thing I think you should dump him. He sounds like an asshole and someone who is super loud and potentially sexist. Do I think your friends probably went into this with a bad attitude? Yes, but from what you say he sounds like a not so great guy, and that’s coming from the person who’s literally dating him. You’ve only been together for six months so this is a huge thing to happen during what should still be the honeymoon phase.

Short, sweet, and to the point—I like it. Thank you for the advice/response and for making it so straightforward. I guess the only worry I have is I don’t A: want to just throw away friendships of 3+ years and B: don’t want to be known as the girl who chose a boy over her friends (especially if he doesn’t end up being the one/screws me over).

Just tell the friends that after a talk with your boyfriend you are wishing to continue the relationship with him, explain he took responsiblity for his actions apologized and after talking you decided it was worth continuing and trying together. If they can accept you being happy and arent willing to try and get past this one incident then they arent good friends and they would have found another reason to bail on you eventually. If you see a serious future with this man then i say try with him, focus on what makes you happy and if that is him them focus on that. At the end of the day you being happy is the most important thing, dont let others bring you down because they are currently miserable

In the grand scheme of life, three year friendships are common. I've had friends who I was sure would be friends forever, and they lasted four years. Also, you wouldn't be choosing him over them. They're shitty friends whether he's involved or not. It's just that right now you're at an impasse, and although he's involved, it's not because of him. It's because they are shitty friends. The breaking point was bound to come along at some point.

I have to be honest, I feel the SAME way as you. I feel like my friends are acting YOUNG. i feel like I’m in a vicious cycle of HS drama that I never intended of being a part of. I don’t know if it’s just them or if it’s because they’re single, but I’m about through with it. They don’t want to invest in a house, get married, have children, and I do. My bf also has a child with another girl and has been through a lot in his life and has been the most mature thing in my life recently (I am constantly astounded at how mature/level-headed he is for being 23).

If I’m being honest I feel like I’ve been trying to get away from their crazy pettiness/immaturity but things just keep happening that cause me to get trapped into their vicious cycle. Just when I feel like I’m out, I feel like they convince me to stay. I am planning on going back to therapy, and currently have distanced myself/not tried to talk to them because I feel like no matter what I do/say to them, it won’t change their minds because in the end they don’t really respect me as a person.

Idk why but this comment made me tear up🥲 Thank you for saying that you liked me as a person (even from just my writing alone). I really am trying my best to be as unbiased as possible (as I lost friends with my previous ex who manipulated/gaslit me so bad it took me years to believe my intuition again).

I feel like I was finally getting to date someone/actually like someone after my ex and now it just all feels soiled because of them. And I feel like they don’t feel sorry at all and are masking it as the fact that they believe I deserve better.

I’m sorry could you clarify this comment pls

THANK YOU FOR PUTTING INTO WORDS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO ARTICULATE.

Literally my thoughts exactly. I don’t want everyone to think I’m going to stay with this guy if I end things with my friends. He may not last another month if this happens again (and he knows it).

It’s really just the principle of it all and the fact that the way they treated him (and me, by default), was quite literally embarrassing, disappointing, and tbh, not surprising (which to me is actually the worst part of all, because I am just not surprised).