Thanks for not being overly defensive in your reply. I can see that you're someone willing to improve and to hear people out.

I find some of what you're saying kind of alarming. I think you're misguided with your frustrations, which I might add, are valid. You're allowed to be frustrated if you feel that your partner isn't giving you what's important to you. But relationships aren't transactional, it's not a matter of do A,B,C and you will get X,Y,Z back. You are in a relationship with a person, a person with a background that they likely had no control over, a history of decisions that they can no longer change, just a myriad of their own reasons for why they are the way they are. We all have a past and have done things in the past that we might wish we'd done differently. What matters is what you do now and the decisions you make for yourself with the wisdom you have.

You can't just be with someone who has decided they no longer want to do certain things that they may have done for their toxic ex in the past, and take that to mean that you must not be as good as him or she must not love you enough. Who knows, maybe the fact that she's willing to stand up for herself and express that she's uncomfortable with it means that you make her feel way more comfortable and valued than he ever did. Isn't that what matters? Isn't that what makes you the better person? My point is, it's still not about you, and you won't know what it IS about unless you let her open up to you. You don't just get things you want in a relationship because you 'earn' them, you have to do the due diligence of looking for the right person who can give you most of the things you really want in a partner, and then respectfully communicate and compromise with them on the remaining few incompatibilities.

Her ex sounds like a piece of shit, and you sound like you're at least trying to be a good partner. But you also sound like you tend to make everything about yourself. I encourage you to take a step back and see your partner for the independent person she is, and that nothing she does is a reflection of you. At the end of the day, you could be the most caring, trustworthy, reliable partner, and she could just be a shitty one. Or just an incompatible one. And anyway, why are you treating oral like it's some kind of prize that her ex won and you didn't? Shouldn't the prize be the fact that she's now with you and not him? I mean in your own words, you could get oral any day from a number of other women. But here you are trying to make it work with her. I think you'll be amazed by the results if you put your ego aside and experiment with different ways of communicating. Wish you the best.