BF (41) has no sex drive, I (F37) am worried I'll cheat

Submitted by Baabaaboo t3_yim68o in relationship_advice

I'll start by saying what a great guy he is. We've been together 13+ years, he is an amazing dad to our toddler, he is supportive, caring and I don't doubt that he loves me...

But we live like roommates. We even sleep in seperate beds because of his sleep apnea. He has zero sex drive. He refuses my advanced. He doesn't make any himself. The sex was only ever okay. Now it is non existent. We have had sex ONCE in the last YEAR.

We've talked about it in the past. He says the same thing was true in his past relationships. He tries a little harder for a while, but it always fizzles out.

In our past "dry spells" , I admit to have becoming flirtatious with other men. I do get a fair bit of interest. Never really meaning to take it further but enjoying the attention and feeling desirable... I have led other men on...I'm not proud of that fact.

But this past year... It's been tough. I don't feel like he wants to address the problem. I don't know what to do. I can't live a celibate life. I have sexual desires and needs that need to be fulfilled. I've already caught myself becoming overly flirtatious...

Someone tell me what to do, because I have no god damned idea

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Domguyps5 t1_iuje86w wrote

If cheating is your go to thing then he is way better off without you

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Baabaaboo OP t1_iujkntl wrote

If you read the post. You'd know I haven't. I'll give you a C- for literacy skills

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Bridgiethekitty t1_iujm88f wrote

I understand your post after a while you guys drift apart I think instead you should talk it out with him if he refuses to change then sadly the only thing I would do is marriage counseling or threaten divorce.

Sex is not everything in a relationship but it is everything when it isn’t there.

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Baabaaboo OP t1_iujnxq1 wrote

Thank you. I think you're right about the counseling. I'm not ready to consider leaving, but it'll go that way if nothing changes

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schizo_sigma_lifter t1_iujej7d wrote

Have you asked him why he doesn't feel like having sex? As for the sleep apnea, is he using a CPAP?

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Baabaaboo OP t1_iujkxcl wrote

He doesn't. We've fought about for years. I do think the Sleep Apnea plays a role, but he had never been willing to give his CPAP a real go and doesn't seek out any additional treatment

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Pelinal_Lex t1_iujg8vu wrote

This is so fucking manipulative. You can't get what you want, so cheating is your option? Not therapy, not communicating with him. Bro do him a favor and let him go. What the hell did he ever do to you, but say no?

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Baabaaboo OP t1_iujkho8 wrote

Go back and read the fucking post. We have talked.

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darlingdigust t1_iujbx5o wrote

Have you ever thought of having an open relationship, that can make things between you two exciting if you are seeing more people as well as you are able to be fulfilled in what you as a couple already have but can have sexual relationships that may only be to fulfill your need for desire. You just need to be clear on honesty and communication and have emotional boundaries for whomever you might end up seeing too, always wear protection ✓

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Baabaaboo OP t1_iujcypf wrote

We have friends who have been in open relationships in the past, he always said it's not something he'd be okay with. I've always seen them as the first step in breaking up... Maybe that's just the reality I'm facing

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Brigkline t1_iujckyc wrote

So my wife is asexual, and we had a similar set of circumstances. Been together 8 years and we talked about opening up the relationship because I still loved her and wanted to spend all the time with her but also get my needs met. It’s worked really well but you HAVE to communicate really well to make a open relationship work

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childofcraigslist t1_iujl22r wrote

I mean, I think you do know what to do, it's just a hard pill to swallow.

You can either discuss opening the relationship and getting your needs met ethically, or admit that you are never going to feel satisfied in this relationship and walk away. Cheating is never an acceptable solution.

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laulex3 t1_iuk0lga wrote

If this is a common thing in his pay relationship he might have a problem he’s not discussing. But also remember sex is mental too. Pressure is a turn off and sometimes we might be passive aggressive which is also a turn off. I understand what you mean, constant rejection hurts a lot. it makes you wanna fantasize about being wanted. You sound like you’re close to giving up. You don’t even sound like you’re getting intimacy either. You deserve an attentive caring partner who meets your needs. Cheating isn’t how you get it. You’ll feel terrible. Don’t stay out of obligation. Your happiness matters.

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Hour-Cantaloupe-2420 t1_iujucui wrote

Being a male myself, the one thing we enjoy is having sex. As far as I can understand your husbands hormones have changed due to which he is unable to make it or feel it. He knows his problem and he would like to correct it too but he will just not talk to you about it due to ego. My suggestion: just tell him you need satisfaction and together go to a good sexologist. There are some injections available in the market which can restore the sex drive men. (It restores it permanently, not like viagra). It's hormone transformation therapy. If you need any help or guidance I can guide in DM.

PS : this is a common problem nowadays and it has a solution so nothing to worry about or to get depressed.

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