my female cousin got a new handsome, tall boyfriend and my mom is sad that my boyfriend doesn’t compare

Submitted by RemoteAnything1265 t3_yim2ky in relationship_advice

my mom sat me down for a "discussion" and told me my female cousin got a new boyfriend who's apparently tall and handsome. she started crying because she said i'm so pretty, educated, have a high paying job, etc, and yet, i don't have a boyfriend that looks like that. she said it's such a "waste" and her chest started to hurt when she saw the picture of the guy, because she's so sad and jealous that i don't date someone who looks like that. she even went on to say that he has such a friendly face, and she can just TELL that he must be so nice, polite, calm, even though she's literally never met him before. she thinks my bf is too unattractive, short, not educated enough for her prized daughter. i told her that i don't know what to do with this information and i'm exhausted. i told her to talk to a therapist because she can't stop unloading all of this shit onto me. she told me "why would i need to see a therapist, when i talk to you about these things i feel better, so you're basically my therapist". i told her she needs to figure out why my life choices and partner affects her so much, she makes me feel as if i have to be ashamed of my loving boyfriend.

edit: thanks everyone for your supportive comments. it makes me feel like im not insane for getting so upset. for context, im asian. this is unfortunately very common in asian families… notorious saving face culture. i am very happy with my boyfriend and moving out with him soon fortunately. 90% of the time, my mom holds her tongue when it comes to him but she’ll slip out these nasty comments time to time.

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Mrtorbear t1_iujfqt8 wrote

>"why would i need to see a therapist, when i talk to you about these things i feel better, so you're basically my therapist".

Hopefully you accept her insurance policy for therapist visits. Somehow I get the feeling that you are not being paid for this side gig.

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stellastellamaris t1_iujcuib wrote

You are not your mother's therapist - that is not a reasonable ask or expectation. You are allowed to say no.

https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/07/240-my-parents-hate-my-partner-what-do-i-do/

She was totally out of line to say negative stuff to you about your boyfriend.

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Agreeable-Celery811 t1_iujxl3l wrote

This is excellent advice. (Just read the whole Captain Awkward).

Meanwhile, there is another way of dealing with your mother’s criticisms. Willfully refuse to understand what she is saying. Act like your partner really is the most handsome of the two, and you have no idea what she’s talking about. When she says your partner isn’t as handsome, say they look about the same to you, although your partner is a bit cuter because you always did like a guy with dimples. Squint at a picture of both of them and declare they’re “about the same height, give or take.” If she compliments another guy, just shrug and say, “He looks fine, if that’s what you like.” When she points out how your boyfriend looks different, just say, “Hmmm. Well they both look about the same amount of handsome, but I guess they look a bit different, now that you mention it. My boyfriend has more classic good looks, but the other guy looks perfectly fine too.”

It will drive her nuts.

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slvstrChung t1_iuje939 wrote

Shit like this is why I always roll my eyes when people of an older generation insist that, simply because they are older, they must be wiser. It's true that an older person may -- may -- have been given more opportunities to learn, but there is absolutely no guarantee that the person has actually taken those opportunities. For instance, here your mother shows that she has not learned one of the most basic facts about relationships: they take place between people, not bodies.

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juliaskig t1_iuk3wnc wrote

Hey! respect your elders! My son has always been wiser than either my husband or myself, alas.

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Sattalyte t1_iujbqap wrote

Siblings can be very competitive. My own mother is one of 4 daughters, and they all constantly compare the successes of their children's looks/salaries/relationships with each other. It's kind of sad, but that's just life.

It sounds like your mum has that kind of relationship with her sister, and your aunt has been crowing that her own daughter has a BF worth showing off and your mum has ended up feeling jealous. Again, it's pretty sad.

You do you. You don't have to justify your choices for your mothers gratification.

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ArrowGantOne t1_iuk1x2g wrote

Thank you for typing this out, I hope OP sees it.

But yeah, after reading your comment, it finally makes sense. And I remember my parents doing the same thing once or twice. Now that you've brought it up, I'd be willing to bet her cousins have endured similar / other treatment by their parents to give them something to brag about. She might want to talk to her closest cousin, find out if her aunts / uncles do the same thing. Imagine all the cousins getting together and blowing the lid off of the whole thing.

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juliaskig t1_iuk3sbf wrote

Mother has never even met bf, and is already judging him as wonderful.

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TigerThicccWhiskey t1_iuk6iox wrote

Nah screw that. She doesn't get an out. The mom is crazy. Who says this kind of shit to their daughter? Shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

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Underworld_Denizen t1_iujiib1 wrote

You need to set some serious boundaries with your mother.

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StarDatAssinum t1_iujh4nh wrote

Maybe she should watch American Psycho to change her mind that attractive, tall, and well-educated men always means that they're good partners.

Personally, this is something I would limit my contact with my mother over. It's incredibly rude, unnecessary of her to even share, and narcissistic.

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WeeklyConversation8 t1_iujqnf0 wrote

50 Shades of Grey is another one. He is rich and handsome yet he is abusive. If he wasn't rich it would have been an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI.

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AnotherPalePianist t1_iujs9rk wrote

Absolutely. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends my mom didn’t like. She never once said anything negative about them unless they were treating me poorly because they were people I cared about. It would have been rude and honestly pretty cruel. OP’s mom needs to learn some manners🙃

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davev9365720263 t1_iujce7c wrote

Your mother is shallow.

Ted Bundy, notorious serial killer was referred to tall, attractive, charming, polite, and nice. He also happened to enjoy killing women.

Unless your cousin is just as attractive as her boyfriend, there is a good chance her boyfriend will have other options and he may cheat or dump her for someone else who he believes is more of a match for him.

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WeeklyConversation8 t1_iujqpba wrote

Pretty sure he was well educated too.

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davev9365720263 t1_iujrkyy wrote

Doesn't matter much. A lot of well educated people are sociopaths who use others. Just look at the upper management of many large corporations and in many HR departments.

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Silva2099 t1_iujjy33 wrote

Second most messed up thing I’ve read today. So sorry that this is your parent. Ask her if she would mind if you traded her in for somebody that cares about you.

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MageKorith t1_iujol15 wrote

You have a codependent relationship with your mother. She is treating you like her caretaker, and you essentially lack the power or the will within the relationship to decline these obligations. She is not respecting your space, your choices, or your person. It's time to set up boundaries, because she is acting like a child, not like a mother.

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Sleeping_Lizard t1_iuk83fk wrote

"Oh are you disappointed my BF isn't tall enough? Well I'm disappointed you're such a shallow asshole."

You are correct she needs therapy.

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WhyBroWhy1 t1_iujcdrh wrote

Never hold yourself responsible for how anyone chooses (and it is a choice) to react to anything you say or do that simply aligns with the way you live your life.

Your mom can hold her opinions til she's blue in the face for all that matters. If you're both in love and he makes you happy then all she can get is consecutive eyerolls.

I'm wondering if she's projecting something onto you btw. Was your dad a looker in his day? In the same vein your cousin's guy is? Did she settle? Does she want something for you that she didn't/couldn't get for herself? Some weird case of FOMO?

Idk..

Lots of strings to pull from there but i'd say if you're both happy...fuck it. Do you.

P.S. your mom sounds shallow as fuck if she thinks a good looking face = a good person.

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solitarybikegallery t1_iujcz78 wrote

>you're basically my therapist

I know she wasn't being completely literal here, but that's extremely unhealthy. Parents should not treat their children like therapists. It damages the relationship, and it puts the child in an unfair position.

Sounds like you handled it pretty well. I'd make sure she knows not to talk about your relationship like that, in the future. Also, let her know that you're happy with your relationship and that should be enough for her.

The other stuff isn't on you. It's her own feelings of jealousy for her sibling, and her own self-worth issues. She thinks a parent's success is based solely on their child's success, and that the child's success is based on how physically attractive their partner is. That's a whole load of issues, right there.

In her head, she imagines that people will judge you for your partner's appearance (which you seem fine with), and therefore will judge her for it. In other words, if your partner isn't hot, she must be a bad mother. I don't know what you can do about that.

If she's like this a lot, consider pushing her towards therapy, or lowering the level of contact you have.

If she's not normally like this, make sure there isn't some other thing going on. Ask her why she feels jealous, and if it has to do with her relationship with her sibling.

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Spamiard t1_iujl9r9 wrote

Your BF isn't dating your mom, he's dating you. That stuff is just weird: what really matters is that he doesn't treat you badly by hurting you, making you cry, cheating on you, etc. Maybe she has some strange issues involving you dad, or simply just wants to brag to other parents...

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Amazing_Cranberry344 t1_iujsy95 wrote

Charge her 150 an hour and ask her set appointments

She’s delusional op. Set your boundaries and be prepared to enforce

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kyubeyirl t1_iujm15h wrote

Not to diagnose your mom but that sounds like a classic narcissist.

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Veruca_Joe t1_iujz3na wrote

This is dumb as fuck on so many levels... your mother’s priorities are fucked.

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ZlatanKabuto t1_iujzq8f wrote

If she was my mum, I would make it very clear that if she tells me something like that again, it would be the last time we speak. It would be.

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Shnuggy67 t1_iuk3rye wrote

OP, this is perfect advice. Your mom does need a therapist. You did the right thing.

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[deleted] t1_iuk7f03 wrote

This is very unhealthy and your mom def needs a therapist

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BruceNorris482 t1_iukabby wrote

Watch this dude cheat. You were 100% correct here and I hope you and your bf have a great life together.

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hostility_kitty t1_iukagmo wrote

Any time my family criticized my partner, I always told them that he was a monster in bed with a horse cock and balls. That shut them up pretty quick 🤣

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SprayArtist t1_iukbzrz wrote

That is way out of line and extremely disrespectful

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flakzacket t1_iujlsrj wrote

Your mom has some serious issues and she needs professional help I think you should really push her to see a therapist

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DaisyInc t1_iujstzg wrote

GOOD FOR YOU the masterful way you handled it!

She is being absolutely ridiculous. If her chest hurts from her daughter being happy, she should keep it to herself.

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Ogurasyn t1_iujz7wg wrote

If she is so obsessed with your cousin's boyfriend, maybe she should be the one dating him? /s

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roadrunnner0 t1_iuk1wtx wrote

Jesus, this belongs in r/insaneparents

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whatnow2202 t1_iuk3egt wrote

I get that parents usually want the best for their kids, that’s natural.

However, it’s not all about looks and at her age, she should know better.

Has she ever bonded with your bf? Do you tell her about the nice things he does or talk about his qualities?

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Yesplease37 t1_iuk5q1z wrote

My ex's mom said the same stuff about me. They still have a relationship but, alas, we do not...thankfully.

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black-rhombus t1_iuk8rnx wrote

she's worried about her grand kids. if you're hot and have kids with an ugly dude, your kids are going to get uglified. if if you're hot and you marry hot your kids will be hot. it's selfish.

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