My (32M) wife (34F) is best friends with older guy she's attracted to

Submitted by Wolfos663 t3_yidovi in relationship_advice

Hello, my first post here. I just want to get some advise/opinions on the topic. So my wife is best friends with her ex-boss.

They basically text everyday, but since some time she doesn't do that in front of me as she probably thinks that it bothers me. I know she is attracted and attached to the guy (we had an honest concersation about it), but it's not like she wants a relationship with him, so he is not a threat.

My problem is that, it seems like she wants to keep him secret apart of our relationship, everytime I ask what they talk about it's just always "work etc." which is not true. I am becoming overly jealous and I don't like that she's sharing parts of her life only with him, and it's killing me not knowing exactly what's happening between them.

I dislike getting so jealous and controlling. How do I get over this? I would just like to be in state when I'm happy for her to have a friend and to not care what they talk about.

3

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

misterk2020 t1_iui31al wrote

At the minimum your wife is having an emotional affair. You need to stand up for yourself and put an end to this or find your way out of the marriage.

8

Just_aShyGirl t1_iui3evw wrote

She is emotionally investing to a guy that is not you. Yeah i would be jealous too. Her talking to a guy she likes is not good at all. What if she falls for him or she already has and doesn't want to accept it?

8

MarriedLife7 t1_iui2sn8 wrote

No you are not crazy. This could be emotional cheating and probably is. The fact is you know what is going on and your wife is refusing to accept that it is inappropriate and be open with it. If she would show you all her conversations it would be one thing but it isn't happening.

I would demand marital counseling and if she refuses and doesn't change her behavior consider a divorce.

7

Wolfos663 OP t1_iuiezd4 wrote

Thank you for your comment. In the past I was asking her to show me the texts and she was overall more open about it, but she always disliked when I wanted to see them. If I ask for them now, I'm sure it wil turn into a fight.

2

MarriedLife7 t1_iuifzav wrote

So that is where the marital counseling comes into play. You don't have to demand she show them now but say this issue is driving a wedge in your marriage and you want her to go to therapy to help resolve these issues.

If she says you just need to do it yourself and alone then again you have your answer on her priorities. Partner's need to support each other even if one person thinks it isn't a big deal.

2

Wolfos663 OP t1_iuig498 wrote

Ok thank you, your advice was very helpful

1

carlorway t1_iui4vg6 wrote

You won't get over it until she is completely honest and trustworthy to you. Ask her to hand over her phone without warning. Read the messages before she can delete them. They are not platonic if she is hiding them.

6

Wolfos663 OP t1_iuif9e9 wrote

Isn't it a bit too controling? I mean I want to allow her some privacy too and I don't want to be like a policeman who will check her phone whenever he wants.

0

carlorway t1_iuiwtgw wrote

She is hiding and lying (by omission). I don't think anything is too controlling in this situation. If she has integrity and is honest, she will give you her phone without a fight.

3

ZCMI1960 t1_iui7ni0 wrote

Your wife is having a EA. It will turn into a PA when the change is there.

6

eyecicey t1_iuia0v4 wrote

So if she is attracted and attached why is it she does not want a relationship with him , is it only because at the moment he is saying no

That woman has no respect for you and refuses to do anything about it. I imagine trust has to be damaged.

I don't see how this relationship of yours is going to work continuing this way.

6

Critical_Age1687 t1_iui3j8q wrote

So, she's telling you that she doesn't want a relationship with him and he's not a threat... where have I heard that before? Maybe it was in the r/survivinginfidelity sub. I suspect that you'll be posting your story there soon.

5

AutoModerator t1_iui2c3c wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

IllVast4743 t1_iuiwt76 wrote

You are either a weak wuss or just terribly naive. Lay down some boundaries before this turns physical. Grow a spine

1