gf(20f) is bi and wants to open our relationship so she can explore herself and it drives me(21m) creazy

Submitted by anotherIdiot4 t3_yi8367 in relationship_advice

Sorry for bad english, I'm not a native speaker.

My girlfriend and I are in a relationship for four years now. I always knew she was interested in women. And now I don't know how I could not have seen this coming. We moved together to a new town to study at university.

Half a year ago she made a friend. This friend is female and has a bf. They got close friends and told each other about their sexual orientaion and found out they are both probably bisexual because they are interested, but haven't tried anything yet. I've met her too and got to know her a bit. We talked a lot and she considers us both good friends.

They went on parties together and some day my gf got a kiss on her cheek from her. She immediately told me about it and said it woke something in her up (her words). We talked a lot and came to the conclusion that we dont want to lose eachother or do a little break but I didnt wanted to block her development. So we aggreed that she can do whatever she wants to do with her.

They kissed on different events like parties or casual game nights with friends. It is killing me from the inside seeing them kissing and dancing together in lust. I began drinking a bit too much and i eat myself till i can't eat anymore. When i get asked how I am i usually find an excuse like just a bad day or i haven't slept well. I hate myself for doing nothing. I fell like im not enough on so many levels.

She said it would be okay if i had someone else too but thats not what I expect from a relationship even if I had enough energy for it.

I've read some stories in here but these 'only' looked like the guy in the relationship doesn't feel sexually fulfilled. And I admit, my story is similar, but i feel like this is something else.

Has anybody experience with this?

17

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1

wrong_address t1_iuhf2kt wrote

You should never open a relationship if both partners aren't enthusiastically for it. You did, despite not feeling comfortable with that. Now your options are the same as they were before, you either speak to your partner and go back to being monogamous or you speak to your partner and break up. Unfortunately you may simply be incompatible and as sad as it is, trying to hang onto your relationship as it is now is harming your physical and mental health. There is no trick to it, you are with the wrong person. Love just isn't enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

52

ZCMI1960 t1_iuhf6ao wrote

As soon as someone want a open relationship I’m out of the door. But hey that’s just me.

21

TattooPuddle t1_iuhfgo7 wrote

Open relationships only work if everyone involved is 100% excited about it. Don't keep this up if it makes you miserable.

10

Haipaidox t1_iuhgr76 wrote

Try talk to her and explain, that you dont feel good with this kind of relationship. If you dont speak with her, the relationship will end very soon.

There are basically three outcomes:

  1. She agrees to close the relationship and everything goes back to somewhat normal.

  2. She agrees but later regrets it and ends the relationship

  3. She refuses, which is the point to break up.

5

vik_thewomaninblack t1_iuhhipu wrote

I don't think this is a fair situation to you. Her sexual orientation is not an excuse to go outside of a relationship. Bisexual people can very well manage to have a monogamous relationship with either gender, it's about the commitment, not the desire.

The question is not whether she's bisexual and wants to go explore, but that she wants to open the relationship and go be with other people.

You need to discuss with yourself whether you are willing to be hurt like that just so she can have fun, and then have a discussion with her about how it hurts you regardless of what gender she wants to go with. She will either choose you and stop what she's doing, or you walk away for your mental health.

If you love your partner and are committed to them and claim 'you don't want to lose them', then you don't go out of the relationship to seek for someone else, male or female

30

andyk_77 t1_iuhtcts wrote

So, end the relationship. You are clearly incompatible. Also, you should have high standards when selecting a partner.

5

Notverycreative88 t1_iuhuw5n wrote

Why are you torturing yourself? I really don't understand it.. Bisexual doesn't make you unable to have monogamous relationships..

man up, and kick her to the curb, that is where she belongs.

13

cmicatfish t1_iuhynj1 wrote

Your relationship started when she was 16yrs old and you were 17. She was a mere child and may have been in a relationship with you because that's' what girls do. Actually, you were both too young to be in a committed relationship. Now she is stretching her wings and understandably you are freaking out. You breaking it off now is the smart thing to do. Do it amicably and tell her you hope she finds happiness and you will do the same.

0

hoobi47 t1_iuhyoo4 wrote

she ain't it, champ

6

oldcreaker t1_iuhz769 wrote

You want a monogamous relationship - she doesn't. It's time to move on.

17

kgberton t1_iui5htj wrote

It's okay to only want a monogamous relationship.

6

castaway47 t1_iui8we1 wrote

Your "girlfriend" doesn't care about you. She sees this is hurting you and doesn't give a damn.

Stop wasting your time and dump her.

Yes, it's going to hurt but it's better than what you are going through now.

and take better care of yourself.

8

trilliumsummer t1_iuidc45 wrote

This isn't going to end well my friend. You're already resentful, and you're doing yourself harm in order not to be honest with your gf. Your best option is to tell her you thought you could handle it, but you can't so you need a closed relationship.

3

inna_hey t1_iuidt7p wrote

you don't want it. just break up

2

mugaccino t1_iuih1ml wrote

Don't hurt yourself by enduring a lifestyle not fit for you, you're monogamous and she has discovered she is not. I don't mean to make break up seem like the easy solution, it sucks and it hurts like a motherfucker, but you'll just hurt yourself and your mental health even further if you stay.

It's gonna be ripping the bandaid off vs. Lifting it a bit to pour salt inside everyday.

2

bestaflex t1_iuiicp8 wrote

Hum, no. If you are monogamous, it's a hard no.

I don't get the idea here, she can flirt and fuck girls so she can "explore" and you lovingly wait at home for her to come back and give her the other perks of a relationship? A companion and comfort?

11

Scandi_Navy t1_iuiip8y wrote

If she is really bi, then she cheated already. It's not two straight girls kissing to provoke a reaction. She is actually attracted to her.

And it would not be some experimental fun. Your relationship would actually be open to people she can catch feelings for.

2

mechtil_d t1_iuijqvj wrote

Break up. It’s obviously not for you and may build resentment and bitterness.

2

The__Riker__Maneuver t1_iuik3q2 wrote

I am no longer interested in being in a relationship with you. I don't date cheaters and you have proven yourself not capable of being faithful. I believe it's best if we go our separate ways

2

Lind3 t1_iuipwt8 wrote

Updateme!

1

UnsightlyMeat t1_iuiuojj wrote

Open relationships continue to be the dumbest thing on the planet. Literally a cop out to cheat

4

WaltVinegar t1_iuj2yos wrote

Grow a spine and tell her to fuck off for wasting 4 years of your time.

5

AgoraiosBum t1_iuj59lt wrote

You're 20. You thought you'd be ok with this, but you aren't. This is also who she is. It's not going to work. Go ahead and end it.

Maybe in a few years you will find each other again if it was meant to be and she is no longer interested in exploring this side of herself. So end things on good terms. But don't hold your breath for this scenario; move on.

2

davidmacku t1_iujmz0v wrote

You should just dump her. You are young, don’t waste your time with someone who disrespects you.

1

Cool_Story_Bro__ t1_iujnykw wrote

It’s ok for her to want an open relationship and explore her bisexuality.

It’s ok for you to not want this at all and stay in a monogamous relationship.

Nobody is wrong here. But clearly you too are no longer compatible when it comes to a relationship. No matter which route you go, someone is going to feel bitter about it.

Seems like it’s time to break up and move on and find more compatible partners for both of you. You’re very young. If you’re not happy and it’s not working, it’s ok to walk away.

1

sw0ff t1_iuk9bbv wrote

Updateme!

1