How can I (27F) move forward?

Submitted by throwawayacct199230 t3_yirtju in relationship_advice

Sorry for the long post! I am also sorry if this is not the right group to post this in. I am still a bit new to posting.

This guy (27M) and I (29F) met on a dating app, we started dating about 5 months ago. We clicked right away and had a great connection, and chemistry. In the beginning he was so kind, caring, and amazing. He'd always send messages showing how much he cares, and we'd have long intellectual conversations. He introduced me to his family and invited me to spend time with them during random family get togethers.

A couple months into us dating he started to get a bit distance and I addressed it with him. He explained that he's always had commitment issues and is taking anti-depressants and it can sometimes have a toll on his personality. I understood where is he coming from so I never put any "relationship" pressure on him. I always explained that we should go with the flow and titles don't really matter to me since we both know how we feel about each other and enjoy each other's company.

About 4 month into us dating, I had to take a work trip out of the country and was gone for about 2 weeks. During my work trip, we had gotten into a couple of arguments and we were able to resolve them pretty quickly. When I came back from my trip, we had a discussion on what our "relationship" status is. We were both finally on the same page and agreed that we are taking it slow and see where things go. This also meant that we are not seeing other people and it is not a casual thing. I was completely okay with this arrangement.

After the conversation, we had a couple of amazing weeks and felt really connected to each other. But the following weekend, he tells me that he is not feeling this anymore. I was completely blindsided. He explained that we should no longer continue dating. Again, I was in shock because things were going so well. We spent the next couple of days trying to talk but he had already made up his mind. I came to accept that this is over and was very hurt. We had our closure talks and he explained that it is him being the problem and that he's always had issues committing. He also confessed and said that he may regret this and this can be a mistake that he is making. He explained that he is in therapy and will be working on himself. I completely understand and respect that as I am also in therapy and working on myself.

During our second closure talk, I asked him if he'd be interested in trying this again if we both have the same strong feelings for each other. Maybe 3 months or x amount of time later we can re-evaluate things. He said that it can be a possibility but he is not longing for it. He also explained that he is going to be dating other people. Then I asked on if we can stay friends and he said he will agree to this if I give him a month of no contact. He said that we will only stay platonic friends.

During our closure talks he sounded like I had disrespected him or broken his trust or did something so terrible to him that he quickly had to end it. His tone has been so cold towards me and I have no idea what I did wrong. I've done nothing but support him the entire time and been so understanding.

I found out that he is back on the dating app and updated his info and unmatched me. Within a week and a half of us breaking up he got back on the dating site. I am not understanding how he is able to be so cold towards me all of a sudden and get right back to dating as if those 5 months never happened. I am still hoping that through our friendship he sees that I am worth it, and realizes his mistake. I am also not understanding how he can say that he is not longing for us to date again if he is the one to say that we had such great chemistry and felt so connected and made near future plans to do things? I don't know how to stop feeling this anxiety, and anger, and guilt feeling. I don't know how to find my peace again. He did a complete 180 on me and I am struggle to process this while he is going out on dates and enjoying himself. Has anyone been to a similar situation? How did you process it?

EDIT: During our break up he explained that he is doing to me what he did to his on and off again ex. He was not able to commit to her and he thinks he is doing the same to me. I explained that I am a different person and a different relationship, and I am okay with taking things slow. For some reason he has made up his mind and will not listen to what I have to say. It also does not make sense that he is already back on the dating app and going on dates within a week and a half of us breaking up especially if he says he has commitment issues. He sounds very conflicted.

He genuinely is an amazing person and so special! I've fallen for him and my feels are very deep for him. When things were really great with us, he always spoke with his actions which I loved so much.

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Traditional_Fortune6 t1_iuk6a2l wrote

It doesn't sound like you did anything at all to push him away. He did a 180 because he has commitment issues. You move forward by accepting this. While I know he's special, he also has some mental health issues that keep him from being a good partner.

It's not your fault. But it didn't work out.

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throwawayacct199230 OP t1_iuk6kof wrote

Replying to Traditional_Fortune6 (#412,139)

Thank you for your response! I understand that he has commitment issues, but it doesn't make sense how he can just go back on the dating app within a week and a half of us ending and start dating other people. Do people with commitment issues not feel relationship deeply? Do they typically keep things at a superficial level? When we dated it never felt superficial since he brought me around his family and took me on a trip to visit another family member.

I am not sure if I can ask this question or not, but is continuing to stay platonic friends with him a bad idea since I do have strong feeling for him? I think therapy is going to help him a lot and want to show that I am there for him and not going away if times get hard.

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Traditional_Fortune6 t1_iuk8xbi wrote

Replying to throwawayacct199230 (#412,317)

There's no telling how deeply he feels for you or why he's on the app. There's no point speculating because you'll drive yourself crazy.

If you really want to be his friend, you have to be prepared to watch him date other people. Are you up for that?

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throwawayacct199230 OP t1_iuk9olq wrote

Replying to Traditional_Fortune6 (#413,822)

It is going to be really difficult to watch him date other people, but I am also not ready to loose him. I think I put this guy on a high pedestal and I can't seem to let him come down from it.

I guess I just have to give it a try and see how it is being friends with him. If it is too painful then I'll have to cut it off for my own mental well-being.

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throwawayacct199230 OP t1_iuka4or wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#413,004)

If he really is struggling to commit, then I am not understanding why he would make future plans with me like going on trips and asking me to come to certain family events? Also, it is so strange that he introduced me to his family and brought me around them often. I would think that if he does have commitment issues then he wouldn't really want to bring me around his family.

I never put any relationship pressure on him either and never asked to introduce me to family or anything. He did everything on his own. He is also clingy when we are with his family or anywhere in public.

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