Ok this is partially venting and partially askimg for advice. A little background, we are actually not currently together. We started dating a few years ago. We split up mostly due to distance, but we were kind of on again off again talking for alot of the time we werent "together". I moved back closer and we met up and got back together earlier this year. Cut to more recently, she broke up with me, then after about a month we talked and answered all the questions about why and what was wrong, we both realized some faults, and left things kind of open to work on those and maybe get back together.

So now my current issue, while talking, I guess in the name of honesty, and communication, because I didn't ask. She told me that a few months before we got back together she had a threesum. This now something I have been struggling with. I'm not mad or upset at her, I obviously have no right to be. But it doesn't stop the images. But I understand that's my problem not hers.

What does really bother me and I am kind of upset about is who it was with. A friend of hers and her husband, who have children but are swingers. I understand curiosity, and sexual experimentation and maybe a little openess in the dating stage. But I am very against that kind of lifestyle, and especially while having kids and being married. What makes it worse to me is while we were together she brought me to their house for this girls babyshower. So now I'm just thinking I was sitting there with this people who together had sex with girlfriend unknowingly to me, but I know they have those memories of her and her of them and that just makes me super uncomfortable.

Also, she is still close friends with these people and I know I can do "let the past be the past" but for me that kind of includes the people that were involved. Like if we did give things another go, I would not be comfortable with her still being a very active part of their lives, and I don't think I could be around them. But I also don't know if it would be fair to ask her to limit hanging out with them.

I don't think insecurity plays a role in my thoughts, at least not in a "am I good enough" kind of way or think she will cheat kind of way, but some form of jealousy probably does. I do not have a promiscuous past whatsoever.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but me and her have kind of picked up talking again and I really love her, have for a long time. Any thoughts or advice? Like should I talk to her about any of this? I have thought maybe ask her I she would be open to having one with me, idk if that would help or make things worse.

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Ikkfdmmky t1_iukb10q wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:51 PM

Not hanging out with people who quite lit f-d your gf a few months ago and still remain intimate friends is no weird boundry to have.

People can accuse you for all kinds of ignoramus bs on here but in the end..

I know of 0 people amongst about 200 I have either close friendships with or shallow and they wouldn't even consider it. So you have them beat for thinking it through.

It honestly sounds like you and your gf are vastly different when it comes to gratification and sexual lifestyle though and I'd consider that a bigger hurdle all-together.

Even tho you both might miss the cow now that the booth is empty, I'd probably move on and find someone who aligns more on all fronts.

Relationships are great if you have a firm foundation in core values, trust and respect.

But when those differ the rest of the personality's clashing tend to cut holes rather than strengthen your bond as a couple and unit.

AutoModerator t1_iuk96ad wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:36 PM

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

StarryCloudRat t1_iukaiet wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:47 PM

To answer one of your questions: suggesting a threesome as a way to try and get over insecurity and jealousy is a really bad idea. That kind of sexual encounter can get messy and unpleasant very quickly if someone is doing it for the wrong reasons.

Let’s clarify what you already know, and have said yourself: your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong. She was single, her sexual partners were consenting adults. It’s also pretty normal to remain friends with someone you once had a sexual relationship with, especially if you were friends beforehand. So, the question is… if you stay together, are you going to accept that and move forward, or are you going to seethe for years about how uncomfortable you are about it?

If you feel like you can’t handle the fact that she once slept with two of her friends, and is continuing to be friends with them? It’s probably not fair to either of you to continue a relationship with each other.