[deleted] OP t1_iuhfh4h wrote
Reply to comment by TattooPuddle in Is it unhealthy for me (31f) not to want to get to know one of my bf's (38M) friends? by [deleted]
Copy pasted from reply to another comment, the reason is that she is a very sexually attention seeking, posting very revealing porn-y pics of herself on social media (amateur model) and is touchy feely with her female friends. I'm bisexual but don't want to be around that type of person due to previous bad experiences.
TattooPuddle t1_iuhfma2 wrote
I don't see how this impacts you in any way. You don't need to follow their social media and so long as you set some firm boundaries about physical touch with her, you should be fine.
You don't have to be best friends but I wouldn't go out of your way to avoid them because that's just going to make things even weirder.
[deleted] OP t1_iuhg4vm wrote
That makes sense. What I'm afraid of is that something will happen that forces me to set boundaries with her, and if it did, that would make me more uncomfortable with my bf being friends with her than I already am. I don't want to get in the way of their friendship, so I'd rather not invite a situation like that.
TattooPuddle t1_iuhg96z wrote
When you're getting to know people, there's always going to be moments where you have to set boundaries, especially physical ones.
If you're worried about your BF being friends with her CURRENTLY why don't you talk to him about it?
[deleted] OP t1_iuhgv79 wrote
The thing is, I don't like it but I accept it. I trust him. Honestly, there's nothing that he can say that is going to make me feel differently, so I don't see any point in nagging about it.
He invited me to hang out with her and a bunch of other people, and I said that I appreciate getting invited but I don't want to get to know her because I don't think that I'd like her based on what he has told me. He thought that I was exaggerating but it was getting late so we postponed the discussion. I'm sure she's great. She's probably not the kind of person I'd get along with, though.
TattooPuddle t1_iuhgyuy wrote
You're assuming you won't get along with her despite never meeting her? That's a big leap. If you don't like her content, don't follow it. Clearly your BF finds her fun to hang out with so it's at least worth meeting her and then deciding if you like her or not.
[deleted] OP t1_iuhhhee wrote
I've had acquaintances in the past who behaved similarly to her, only... this girl is more extreme. I feel like if I meet her and dislike her - which I likely will even if I go in with an open mind, that's going to cause a bigger rift in my relationship than if I just don't meet her.
TattooPuddle t1_iuhifr5 wrote
Actively avoiding a specific friend based off assumptions is going to cause a rift all the same. It just sounds like you have some hang ups about people who post more of their body online.
People don't behave like a hive mind. You've had some shit experiences but clearly your BF enjoys spending time with them so it's worth seeing what that is.
I'd be pretty peeved if my partner refused to meet up with a friend of mine based on assumptions.
[deleted] OP t1_iuhk033 wrote
I appreciate your input!
It's not only about that specifically, but I do have trauma about the attention seeking pattern in general. Both in terms of being used as a prop myself and people not keeping their hands off my partner.
Would it bother you less if your partner said "I've met them, and I just can't stand them and don't want to be around them." than if they just declined even meeting them? Or if your friend got creepy with your partner and your partner reacted strongly in a way that caused a scene? (I mean sure there's a chance that I'd like her, but what if instead it makes everything more difficult?)
TattooPuddle t1_iuhki3b wrote
It would absolutely bother me less if my partner met a friend and said "you know what, not for me" because at least that shows that they made an effort to get to know the people close to me. They don't have to like my friends, so long as they can behave civilly if the occasion calls for it.
If you have some trauma behind certain behaviors, work on that with a therapist. Trying to avoid it instead of learning to deal with it doesn't make things any better.
The example of the friend behaving in a creepy manner doesn't really apply here. You're assuming that this person is going to do something based on your interactions with completely different people. If you want your boundaries to be known before hand, ask your partner to tell their friend in advance so it doesn't come up.
sex_throwaway999 t1_iuhp341 wrote
> I do have trauma about the attention seeking pattern in general. Both in terms of being used as a prop myself and people not keeping their hands off my partner.
seek therapy
[deleted] OP t1_iuhrl0t wrote
I am in therapy, thank you for your concern!
Knale t1_iuhq2rr wrote
> Would it bother you less if your partner said "I've met them, and I just can't stand them and don't want to be around them."
Yes. Of course. Obviously. Because this shows that they made an effort to try and see who this person is before judging them unfairly.
>but what if instead it makes everything more difficult?)
You still haven't actually explained why you think that someone posting skin on instagram somehow precludes someone from being pleasant to chat with. Those two things have literally nothing to do with each other.
You don't need to endorse her social media use to get along with her. That's immature and silly.
[deleted] OP t1_iuhrjgi wrote
It's not just that. I didn't want to get into details, but main issue is thas a history of getting very physical with people around her at parties and hangouts. Yes, even girls who have partners who are present. That's a situation I want to avoid because of previous bad experiences. I wouldn't be able to handle it well if it happened.
Knale t1_iuhrwfk wrote
>I didn't want to get into details, but main issue is thas a history of getting very physical with people around her at parties and hangouts. Yes, even girls who have partners who are present.
Without details I don't know what this means. Does she hug people? Does she grab people genitals?
I hug and touch all sorts of people at parties, yes, even with my girlfriend present. You continue to be really cagey with details and without those details it's impossible to determine how reasonable this all is.
[deleted] OP t1_iuhs4ix wrote
Groping. Grabbing ass/boobs. I wouldn't gaf if it was about hugs and stuff.
TuggNiceman t1_iuigy7l wrote
This is sooooo illogical.
You've never met her. You don't know what she's like.
Anxiety is ruling your life here.
TuggNiceman t1_iuigfqo wrote
>What I'm afraid of is that something will happen that forces me to set boundaries with her
It sounds like you just have really low self-worth and inability to set boundaries. That's the problem here, not her.
I got parties a lot. There's usually many people I don't know very well or just don't like. That's called being an adult.
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