[deleted] OP t1_iuhhs71 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:29 AM

If I meet her and she makes me uncomfortable, I think that would make everything worse. I don't think I could handle it gracefully in the moment, and I would feel much more uncomfortable about their friendship than I already do. Even if she doesn't, chances are that I just wouldn't like her as a person because I dislike people who need to be the centre of attention. I would prefer for them to stay friends and don't want to upset that balance, so I'd rather stay out of it.

MammothAd1266 t1_iuhimvs wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:38 AM

It sounds like you've already made up your mind that you don't like her which is ridicolous.

It's one evening, there will be other people there so it's not like you'll only be talking with her. it's for your boyfriend. sometimes, in relationships, you have to make compromises and do things you don't want because you know it makes your partner happy.

[deleted] OP t1_iuhl0m6 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 12:03 PM

I 100% get why I come across as judgemental, and I appreciate your response! Imagine if it was something else. Let's say that he had a friend who was an addict, I had previous awful experiences around addicts, and said that "I'm sure this person is great, but they won't be my cup of tea". Would that be any different?

Which would be worse, your partner saying "Hey, I trust that your friend is cool in spite of their substance abuse, but I don't think that I want to get to know them" without meeting them, or meeting them and saying "I met them and I strongly dislike them now, I don't see why you're friends with them but I'll leave you to it."

I mean, I admit that there's chance that I'd like her, but I just don't think it's likely. And if she crossed any boundaries with me, I would be super uncomfortable with them continuing to be friends. Much more than I am now.

MammothAd1266 t1_iuhm3sn wrote on October 31, 2022 at 12:14 PM

Yes, that would be different. addiction is extremely damaging and can manifest in ways which are dangerous to the people around them.Whilst I firmly believe addicts need support and not isolation, I can see why someone would be cautious about being around them.That's very different to 'I don't like the fact they post pictures of themselves online'

I think you should go. It's one evening and will make your partner happy. Express any boundaries if she makes you uncomfortable and if she continues to do so, tell your boyfriend. Personally, I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone who intentionally broke my partner's boundaries. It's so disrespectful and it shows you what type of person they are.

I think you're being immature for not giving her a chance but he would being immature if he bruses off the fact she broke your boundaries

Knale t1_iuhpll0 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 12:47 PM

> I mean, I admit that there's chance that I'd like her, but I just don't think it's likely. And if she crossed any boundaries with me, I would be super uncomfortable with them continuing to be friends.

What boundaries do you expect her to cross at a group party?

Look. I get it, you don't have to love everyone, but this whole thing feels really weird and off-putting from you. Just be pleasant and cordial, and if you don't like her then don't hang out, but nothing you're saying here feels reasonable or fair.

This honestly just feels immature. You're going to be at parties with people who aren't your cup of tea at various points throughout your life, and at this point you don't even know this woman isn't your cup of tea. You're pre-judging her without even saying hello. "Attention seeking behavior" doesn't mean anything. I have some truly incredible friends who occasionally post a bikini picture on instagram. That doesn't discount them from being a good person.

[deleted] OP t1_iuhqvl0 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 12:58 PM

I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc, which is something that she does at group parties, and yes, even with other people's partners. If that happens, I don't think I'd be able to handle it well. I know from experience that I tend to either shut down completely (freeze response) or react badly in other ways which would likely cause a scene. I'm sure she's an awesome person outside of this.

Knale t1_iuhrig7 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 1:04 PM

> I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc

So...maybe stand a little further away? Or when you meet say you're getting over a cold and you don't want to hug? There are dozens of options here other than judging this woman who you don't know. Smile and say "Hi, nice to meet you!" and go from there.

>which is something that she does at group parties, and yes, even with other people's partners.

You've seen this happen? With your own eyes? What does handsy mean? I hug/touch other women at parties besides my partner. Am I being handsy? I guess I just don't understand what you mean.

This is just one of those things when you're an adult that you're going to have to do once in a while, and who knows, maybe you'll get along really well.

Somehow I don't think this woman is going to grab your boobs at a party or whatever. I think you'll be fine.

TuggNiceman t1_iuig6b1 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:02 PM

>I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc, which is something that she does at group parties,

It's impossible for you to assume and judge someone for that when you have never met them.

TuggNiceman t1_iuifxm2 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:01 PM

I think it's really shitty to refuse to meet someone because they post sexy pics online. It's not any of your business.

It sounds like you've decided she's going to sexually harass you or something the minute she meets you.

I feel you're being completely unreasonable with your boundaries but go for it if you think it's necessary.

Is it unhealthy for me (31f) not to want to get to know one of my bf's (38M) friends?

MammothAd1266 t1_iuhgclx wrote on October 31, 2022 at 11:13 AM