Girlfriend ignores texts/calls when she's out late

Submitted by user096578 t3_yibk7v in relationship_advice

I (29F) have been with my girlfriend (29F) for about a year and we live together. She said she went to a friend's house to watch a soccer game at 6pm with 2 other people. She didnt message me much that evening. The last text I received was at 11:30pm and then didn't hear anything from her until she walked in at 3:30am.

I'm really angry that she didn't check in at all. I feel like it takes a lot of effort to not look at your phone for 4 hours.

It also turned out that there were a lot more people there than she originally said. This was the second Saturday in a row that she went out and didn't respond to any texts or calls. She stayed at this other (single) girl's house last weekend and I found out this girl was there again when they were watching the game.

I wasn't invited to either of these things which feels like she's trying to hide something.

Why would she ignore her phone all night?

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SkyueQuox t1_iuhz5tu wrote

When you have a good time with your friends it happens that you won't check your phone, because you are socializing.

Also it isn't very polite to be on your phone ever hour to text someone else while you're a guest.

If you want you partner to send you a message when they are coming home then ask them "hey would you mind sending me a text when you are on your way home?" , But don't expect your partner to text with you all the time especially when they are visiting someone else.

You wouldn't like it if your partner was on their phone the whole time when they are with you to spend time with you?

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user096578 OP t1_iui02vh wrote

She is typically on her phone all the time when we are together. I completely understand that it feels gross to have to update me like they're a kid with a curfew. . . I didn't give enough weight to her feelings about that.

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dothepingu t1_iuhud5w wrote

Why does she need to check in with you? I'm confused. People in relationships are allowed to go out and focus on the fun at hand and not check their phones.

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user096578 OP t1_iuhvf2j wrote

Just to let me know if she's coming back that night. Could've let me know before she left.

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Z_a_l_g_o t1_iuhtseu wrote

If you feel left out and insecure, talk to her about that. Maybe she will see if you're welcome at the events too so you can put your mind at ease.

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MaggieLuisa t1_iuhvtud wrote

She was watching the game and hanging with her friends, not looking at her phone. Why does she have to ‘check in’ with you when she’s busy? That’s a really odd relationship dynamic to me. You not being invited is a separate issue.

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user096578 OP t1_iuhy7zd wrote

That's a good question to ask myself. Thank you.

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whitneythomas t1_iuhzh65 wrote

some people genuinely don’t look at their phones when hanging out with friends.

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runningaway67907 t1_iuiboxd wrote

/Why would she ignore her phone all night? because she was busy with her friends

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IllVast4743 t1_iuix0ni wrote

She is actively interviewing for your replacement. Better reign this in.

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DeepTh0tt t1_iuhry2x wrote

I think you know what's going on. You aren't a priority in her life, and it sounds like she's still dating.

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user096578 OP t1_iuhs1b0 wrote

Yeah. . . Think these gut feelings are ever wrong?

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OptimisticRealist__ t1_iuhskva wrote

Very much disagree with the other user.

I barely ever reply to texts and pretty much never pick up my phone, when im hanging out with friends, cause im just enjoying the moment and the conversations etc.

This is not in any way a proof that my gf is not a priority in my life - she very much is and she knows that. But just like i wont expect her to reply to me all the time when shes out, she doesnt expect me to do so either.

Like you gotta also let your partners have space and time on their own too, folks.

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user096578 OP t1_iuhsw87 wrote

I just feel like it wouldn't have taken much effort to say "hey I'll be back around 3 or 4" or "hey I'm not coming back tonight". Idk. We should figure out what the expectation is there that's reasonable to her.

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Loco_Motive_ t1_iuhxcrt wrote

Personal experience: my gf worries a lot about me when I‘m on business trips. She wants me to check in just to know I haven‘t been in a car crash or similar. I oblige, always annoyed but I do, because she has a point. In other situations, that would feel like I‘m twelve and shouldn‘t be out past curfew.

Might not be much physical effort, but the mental effort of telling someone „no, I‘m a responsible adult of sound mind, the situation is under control“ can be immense. Why would you even doubt that?

It might not feel like that to you, but it sure does to me, and I suspect it does to her. Would you feel better if she answered „I‘ll be out a little later, catching a cab around 4. Love ya honey 😘“ while getting railed by another dude? Worst case that‘s all you would achieve.

I‘d advise splitting this up into two problems: You wanting her to check in more often. You worrying she might want to cheat on you.

Do not mix them with each other, cause neither‘s solution will do fuckall for the other problem - at least if problem #1 doesn‘t exists solely because #2 exists.

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OptimisticRealist__ t1_iuhtk7l wrote

Im just saying, not everything automatically needs to be a big conspiracy to cheat on you or whatnot.

Again, i can only speak for myself, but i think almost everybody has been in a situation where they are out with their friends and having a good time, they see a message on their phone and just think to themselves that theyll reply later. I know i have.

So my advice would be, to on one hand talk to your gf about your and her expectations, but please not in a demanding or.accusatory way. I guarantee you that will make.her annoyed.

Id also advice you, to not obsess over what your gf is doing when shes out. At a certain point you also have to trust her. If she really was cheating, no amount of obsessing would prevent her from doing so anyways.

And on a sidenote, an ex of mine would routinely send me "thinking of you" texts when she was out. She was the only gf i had that ended up actually cheating on me. Just to put things into perspective

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jezsul t1_iui5ury wrote

99% of the time it true, if she is on her phone nonstop with you, but can't text back for hours when she is "out" , something doesn't add up.

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