In a long term relationship right before proposing but curious about exploring sexually. Should I [29M] should break up with my 3-yr gf [32F] or am I stupid?

Submitted by KenMagus1600 t3_z8unky in relationship_advice

Long post.. I [29M] have been in a relationship with my gf [32F] for over 3 years. We’ve had several deep experiences at this point and are very intertwined with relationships. We’ve gotten to know each others family and spent time during holidays together with the others family, gone on group trips and been in weddings together. Was planning to propose and have a ring but now have doubts every time I get close to an actual proposal.

The main issue is that I also think I’m curious to explore sexually swinging with other partners, threesomes or swaps. I’ve never done it so I’m honestly not even positive I could handle the experience but I think about it and fantasize about it sometimes. My gf doesn’t have any interest in it at all. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing a significant other.

We decided to be celibate early on and wait to have sex until marriage. However as time went on I couldn’t control my sexual desire. I didn’t know how to have the conversation with her later on since we had agreed to our plan from the jump. I have an unfortunate habit of trying to do things I think the other person wants and not always saying what I want regardless of outcome. When the sexual frustration became too much for me I cheated on her with escorts. I have owned up to this and we’re working through it.

She’s a great woman to marry and I love so much about her and what our life could look like. A lot of the time I know she would be a great wife and we would make an incredible married couple and family. But sometimes I wonder if these same feelings will become an issue down the line, making me feel like I’m trapped or resentful to the relationship.

We’re both obviously a little older so I don’t want to waste time but I’m really not sure what to do. I brought this all up to her and we’re in the middle of conversations now with her deciding if we should stay together. My emotions are mixed up but I wonder if I should push on us breaking up, or if these are challenges you have to deal with as a married couple.

TLDR: I’m a in a long term relationship but think I’m a very sexual person. I thought I could and should compromise for a great woman to marry, but not sure it’s the right choice now

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CrystalQueen3000 t1_iydc46u wrote

Just split up now so she can be with someone that doesn’t cheat and isn’t so lost in his fantasies that he’s prepared to tank a relationship with someone he loves so that he can dip his wick in multiple people.

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hisimpendingbaldness t1_iydc9ci wrote

If you are such a sexual person, why did you agree to celibacy?

Sexual compatibility is very important in a marriage, you should try it before you buy it.

I think you are screwed with this girl. Maybe you can change the rules of engagement, but whether she agrees or not I have no idea. May as well try.

Next girl don't do something that goes against your base instincts

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KenMagus1600 OP t1_iydg4rc wrote

I’m Christian and that’s what I believed was right, but I recognized it would be tough. It is only recently when I felt like I shouldn’t be ashamed to say I wanted to explore.

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CoochieCoochieCoup t1_iyekt2u wrote

“i’m christian”

cheating is a sin, lying is a sin, you seem like a performative christian. also not sure how paying for sex behind your girlfriends back is better than sex before marriage but you should seriously dump her (she deserves better)

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OfTheOpera t1_iyduedm wrote

Growing up religious can have serious impacts on sexual development. It is good that you came to this realization however you now have to be up front and open about it with your partner. If that is something you need from a relationship and she is not open to the idea then you should find someone that is. By staying in this relationship you are not only doing a disservice to yourself you are also taking time away from her to find someone that has her same values/needs. None of this makes you a lesser Christan. There are all sorts of crazy weird rules u can’t do. To me, religion is about the values and teachings that the stories bring, do unto others, love thy neighbor. Like I don’t think the sin of adultery applies to those who consent to it because its more about the effects of breaking a vow and hurting someone rather than the actual act. I hope you and her have a serious heart to heart and are able to come to a decision. I wish the best for u

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-Dr-Girlfriend t1_iydjzcj wrote

You just sound horrible. Leave her for her sake.

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_iyddenb wrote

If you want to have sex with other people and experiment sexually, then you'll have to break up with her. She's explicitly stated that she's not comfortable sharing you, so trying to explore anything while you're dating her would be cheating.

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King-Yellow t1_iydcjzf wrote

Marriage shouldn’t be a compromise. Celibacy isn’t for everyone, so if you’re just marrying to have sex with her on her terms, terrible idea.

I don’t see a point in you pursuing marriage and I even question how you’ve stayed together so long with drastically different priorities and principles.

I can give advice but it’s more likely she’ll dump you regardless of what you do moving forward.

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PoorCorrelation t1_iydfgis wrote

There’s a good chance part of this is just you’re sexually frustrated, again.

Waiting for marriage comes with a real risk of finding out you’re not sexually compatible. If that risk isn’t worth whatever benefits you see in waiting for marriage, you’re not compatible.

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BigBointer t1_iyekt55 wrote

She deserves better than a cheating liar for a husband, break up

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Curious-Duck t1_iydjp9l wrote

You’re only entertaining those ideas because you’re absolutely deprived.

Seriously, celibacy before marriage is a fools errand. So what if you save yourselves? You’re not even a virgin.

There’s zero point in waiting, you will never know if you’re sexually compatible if you don’t have sex before marriage.

Your options are:

  1. Break up with her, and don’t EVER agree to celibacy again, in your next relationship
  2. Bring up the conversation that you actually DONT think celibacy is a good idea before marriage and that you’ve changed your mind- hope she responds the same and explore each other sexually.
  3. Don’t mention anything, continue having depraved thoughts and desires because you’re celibate, eventually marry her to have sex, then hope you’re compatible.

Act like an adult and have conversations that are difficult, and stop agreeing to shit that will eventually hurt you both.

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pepelino1 t1_iye9cbm wrote

WHEN IN DOUBT GET OUT!

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cesttres t1_iyefq12 wrote

Respectfully, if you marry her... That will be the most stupid thing you do.

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Mountain_Monitor_262 t1_iyet90k wrote

You should break up. You are not ready for marriage and want to screw around. Pursue the experiences and other relationships that you want. That is fine. But don’t string her along. You need to let her go to grow. She needs to be with someone who’s ready to settle down. You’re not.

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