Is there any way to save my relationship after cheating?

Submitted by [deleted] t3_z8tcjm in relationship_advice

I (23F) cheated on my boyfriend (28M) of 4 years (on and off) and I think I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I moved in with my boyfriend 5 months ago and ever since then our relationship dynamic has changed. I’m not saying that justifies me cheating, but it may be the reason I did it. My bf stopped taking me on dates, having sex with me, he even stopped sleeping in the same room with me. It’s like we’re just roommates.

One of my exes hit me up and I decided to go hang out with him and told my bf I was seeing a girl friend. I’ve never done anything sneaky like this before but i guess after telling my boyfriend I’ve been unhappy for months and him not caring, I was not thinking clearly. I have tried to tell my boyfriend that I haven’t felt loved in months, but his only response is that he pays my bills and if that isn’t love then he doesn’t know what is.

My bf later looked at my Lyft account and saw that I was at a guy’s house. This is how I got caught. I came clean and told him what happened but I don’t think he’s going to forgive me. He told me to pack my bags and get out of the house.

I’ve offered to give him the passwords to all of my accounts and put a tracker on my phone but I don’t think it’s enough. I know I a terrible person. I just hate myself for hurting the one true best friend I’ve ever had. He tried to blame himself for the cheating and thinks it happened because he’s a bad boyfriend. I’m so scared to lose him. What do I do? How do I show him I am truly full of remorse for what I’ve done? I feel sick thinking about losing him.

Note: I have cheated on him once before in the beginning of our relationship and he is aware. Just wanted to lay the full story out there because I think my boyfriend deserves better.

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N3rdScool t1_iyd467x wrote

You're a cheater. Do better for the next one. He really shouldn't take you back and you should respect that.

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fubar_68 t1_iyd4o3f wrote

You’re a serial cheater. Get therapy and leave the man alone.

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Better_Addition_2872 t1_iyd97sc wrote

You were lonely and was feeling unloved, it still doesn't give you the right to cheat... You should've moved on, instead of staying in the relationship. You didn't even have the decency to come clean to him, he found out on his own( his luck has not run out)

Now the only person to forgive you should be your husband. I hope he doesn't forgive you, and kick your cheating ass to the curb.

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_iyd8hz0 wrote

He already took you back once. You know what the saying is?

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

You fooled him once when you said you wouldn't cheat again. He's not going to let you fool him a second time.

Maybe you should learn how to open your mouth and talk about how what's wrong instead of jumping into someone else's bed.

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[deleted] OP t1_iye55tu wrote

Sorry, thought I stated in my post that I have told him I’m unhappy and have been for months. He refuses to have a conversation about it and always tells me we’ll talk about it later.

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_iye5aq6 wrote

Then it's clear y'all are fundamentally incompatible and it's time for y'all to go your separate ways

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Dating_Stories t1_iyd6xdw wrote

Two people are guilty in betrayal: he paid little attention to you, and that's the result.
To forgive betrayal or not is his business and only his decision. Then it is very difficult to restore trust.
Now your ex wants to be alone, and you have to pack up and leave him, give him time.
Maybe a week or two or a month and then try again to establish a relationship - first by talking. And you will see it by yourself. From my experience: it is difficult to forgive betrayal, and it is even more difficult to live with this person afterwards and every time he/she goes with friends to a movie / restaurant or somewhere else, to be afraid that the situation will repeat.
Good luck to you!

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MangoSaintJuice t1_iyd75hr wrote

Damn, well you did tell him that you were unhappy but the cheating, lying and the way he found out, yea that pretty much killed your relationship. Give him space so he can heal from this, if he ask for details give him and don't trickle truth him, if he ask to see your txts make you won't delete anything (hiding anything would mean you still cannot be trusted) if he chose to go NC so be it as long as he get over the pain. DO NOT try to pin any blame of him (he didn't cheat you did, and you are not the victim he is) also you should work on yourself so you won't do that again. And remember, cheating is not a mistake, it's a decision.

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VariationX7 t1_iyd7ewg wrote

You're a serial cheater leave him alone. Also you didn't come clean, coming clean would mean confessing without getting caught. Have you thought about what you did to make be that way towards you? I doubt he just decided he wanted to sleep in another room, you only mentions his behavior, but what caused him to do that? Your remorse is never gonna be sincere, because you have already done it once and then you do it again? You're right your boyfriend does deserve better. Focus on yourself, discover why you keep cheating before getting in a relationship

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maricopa888 t1_iyd9l8e wrote

>I’m not saying that justifies me cheating, but it may be the reason I did it.

If you want to save the relationship, don't say things like this. It's not even the 1st time you cheated. I'm not being judgy, just laying out a fact.

On the rest, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to begin with, so I'm not sure why you want to save it so badly. But if you do, you need to realize a couple things. Most of all, if he learns to trust you, this takes time. Giving him your passwords doesn't help him trust you, because trust comes from inside. Also, be aware that it's not "just" the cheating. You also proved to him you can lie convincingly. He's the one who has to work through this, meaning your job is to give him the space and stay patient.

Also, just a random observation. When you first got together, you were 19 and he was 24. This is a huge age gap, esp for you, and it might be part of this.

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Captain_who_Serves t1_iyd9lpj wrote

So you've cheated on him twice and he's still talking to you? All I've heard is whining. You never did anything to remedy the first betrayal and then you went and did it again? I'm sorry but you'll have a hard time getting any sympathy from this post. Please move on and spare him your self centered actions. Betrayal is the worst act one can can do in a relationship and you did it twice. Don't believe you're remorseful at all and your actions have yielded the consequences. You have to work on your viewpoint of relationship responsibilities and accountability. Not trying to pile on but these are the truths and wish you the best.

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Top-Entertainment507 t1_iydfu4z wrote

I hope he doesn't take you back. If he's dumb enough to do it, then good for you.

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davidmacku t1_iydhw3s wrote

Sometimes we make mistakes and we have to live with the consequences. However, you lied about hanging around with a girl, you cheated with your ex, you only came clean because he knew, you would’ve just lied and kept this truth from him, and who knows how many more times you would do this if you were not caught. There is not a snowball’s chance in hell that you can recover from this. Only idiot guys your own age and younger put up with this shit.

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Far_Pineapple2653 t1_iydj7oa wrote

Karma always gets cheater back leave him so he can find someone who actually cares for him

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JerusalEmAll t1_iydrxda wrote

You have cheated twice and he pays all the bills, what do you even offer for him to take back? Next time you find yourself in a dying relationship have the guts to just break up.

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Cheese_Defender3 t1_iyd966h wrote

Let him have an open relationship on his end. You deserve to know he’s railing and enjoying another woman’s body while you sit at your home alone in shame.

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PoorCorrelation t1_iyd9lre wrote

The relationship was already dead and you dropped a nuke on it just to make sure. Leave each other alone. And this cheating habit has a real potential to ruin your next relationship, you really ought to work on that if you want to find happiness

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Poisonous_Medicine t1_iydcvn7 wrote

Reconciliation is an extremely difficult job to pull off with lower success rates according to stats. That's not to discourage you but it takes 2 to repair a relationship and he seems done. I'm sorry OP. You can use some help from r/SupportforWaywards and resources from r/SupportforBetrayed to help yourself and your partner. Best of luck

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IllVast4743 t1_iyf8js5 wrote

Ok so you are worthless, and you want our help with a mess you not only made once, but twice? No thanks you trash and deserve what cokes your way.

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quickcalamity t1_iyd9ur3 wrote

Listen to his words: “Then I don’t know what love is.” Exactly. The cheating was unfortunate for you as it seems to have racked you with guilt. It’s done. You did it. Put it behind you. But do not allow this guilt to camouflage the truth here. You describe him as your “true best friend.” But that’s not what you want. He has failed to meet even the most basic requirements of a “loving” relationship. He has taken you for granted and has not shown up for you which led you to betray his trust. I’d be packing my bags with the exhilaration and excitement of moving on. But please, stop beating yourself up. In the future, it’s important to clearly articulate to your next BF when things aren’t working. “Hey, I feel unloved, like a roommate. And you’re sleeping in another room. If things don’t change I’m going to have to rethink this relationship.”

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyd5c2i wrote

it can be saved you just have to show him you can do better. I know plenty of couples where someone cheated and now they're getting married. This notion that a relationship has to end because someone made a mistake is false.

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VariationX7 t1_iyd7kbm wrote

Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a conscious series of decisions. A mistake is dropping a glass or forgetting to take out the trash.

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyd8klh wrote

I understand. But does that mean we shouldn't forgive someone for making a bad decision? I am not advocating for cheating i am just saying, people can fuck up multiple times and still be fixed and can become a good person

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VariationX7 t1_iydalun wrote

I would never take back someone who cheated and I can't say I understand the people who do. I would forgive in the sense that I wouldn't carry hate in my heart or wish anything bad happened to them, but I would never get back with them. Cheating doesn't inherently make you a bad person, but I think continuous lying and deceiving someone you "love" does. People can obviously change and learn from it which I hope they do. A good friend of mine cheated once on his ex, he felt true remorse and confessed himself the next day, they broke up and he focussed on himself and became a better person

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N3rdScool t1_iyd63g1 wrote

Maybe if it was one mistake... how many of the same mistakes do you make until you can say it's not one?

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyd6glq wrote

i mean as many as the person is willing to give. Personally speaking i wouldn't take a cheater back but if the dude who got cheated on is willing to forgive and forget multiple times why not let them.

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N3rdScool t1_iyd7897 wrote

He forgave once if I am reading right... I do agree he may take her back who knows but she will cheat again if he does. "accidentally" of course.

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyd85us wrote

maybe so or maybe not. But people can change after making the same mistake multiple times. I really think the only way the relationship works is if she proves with her actions (not her words) that she not going to cheat again; like going to therapy, being transparent and open not engaging in shady shit etc. Not saying its right but when someone cheats it's usually because the other partner wasn't doing something fulfilling

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N3rdScool t1_iyd8u8b wrote

I mean break up if you're unfulfilled... If he takes her back it teaches her nothing...

I really believe if she was going to prove it, it would have to happen after they break up to give him time to heal. They don't have kids and are not married, it just seems like a lot of work when dude could be happy and himself with someone else.

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyd9svr wrote

Very true. But i don't know if it doesn't teach her anything, maybe after this time she feels like shit and she decides to actually change her ways. And if he really loves her and is willing to be with her as she get better so be it.

And are we sure he can do better? to stay with someone you know fucked another dude behind your back kind of makes you a loser. I know dudes who know they're getting cheated on but wont break up with them because they know they won't get anything better.

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N3rdScool t1_iydanty wrote

That last paragraph is so toxic I don't even know what to say to that lol

I do hope OP makes better decisions and I hope her bf finds someone who talks about issues instead of cheating. Maybe that will be OP XD

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iydb1et wrote

only hope. shit maybe the dude is mind fucking us all and is only staying with her for sex and until he kind find someone better.

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N3rdScool t1_iydczip wrote

Toxic toxic toxic lol maybe they deserve each other XD

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[deleted] OP t1_iye4jqi wrote

As stated in my post, he Hasn’t had sex with me in months.

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childish_badda_bingo t1_iydazw5 wrote

This isn’t a just a mistake. Cheating fundamentally breaks trust. Whenever she goes somewhere or is texting too much, his first thought will be is she cheating again and lying to my face?

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iydcq05 wrote

1000 percent agree. but what if he forgives her fully and she is actually trying her best not to be a fuck up and is doing so through all the right channels. What i am saying is the relationship can be saved it just requires all parties to actually want to save it

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childish_badda_bingo t1_iydd27o wrote

I think in order for this to work there has to be a level of scrutiny most adults don’t want and don’t have the energy for.

She’d have to give complete access to her phone at all times and location at all times. And respond to text and phone calls immediately. And if she ever goes radio silent or disappears for “me time”, then the relationship is over.

It’s too much.

Then you get into the notion of balancing the scales. Every time there is a fight or resentment well she cheated. So she’s always wrong.

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TheHunyBadjer t1_iyddvmf wrote

See I think you are projecting what YOU would do in this case. Because I know people personally who have stayed with a cheater and don't act that way, they don't ask for the password or expect immediate replies or are bothered by silence.

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childish_badda_bingo t1_iydgfp4 wrote

Certainly. I think the relationships you’ve thrown out as anecdotes simply won’t work in the long run. And taking back a cheater is 99% of the time a mistake. Because cheaters don’t stop cheating.

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