I need help from both men and women, please!

Submitted by Sad_Stuff8265 t3_z92lph in relationship_advice

I(27F) am in a new relationship with an amazing(so far) guy(29M). Everything is pretty much great but there is one problem - he is not that experienced in bed. He told me that himself and...confirmed it. Everything is there, passion, attraction, everything, but it's just kind off too vanilla to put it nicely. I'm not having some unreasonable expectations, but when I say vanilla I mean only missionary(not even dirty talk, some spank here and there, nothing). I know this sounds bad and I feel awful. I was wondering if you have any tips on how do I introduce him gently to new things without pressuring him or making him feel uncomfortable(this is the last thing I want to do). I know he would be open to try new stuff but it looks like he's a bit scared. Any advice is appreciated! Thanks ♡

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casualselfhatred t1_iyemw4q wrote

I would show him some of the milder stuff, think choking, etc. Try to lead by example with dirty talking. It's super awkward until you get the hang of it, but there's tons of porn online that he can use as an example (video and written). Communicate through anything you try, and try to guide him to do whatever you want him to do. Ask if he's comfortable. After sex, tell him how much you liked when he did ___. Best of luck!

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyes69x wrote

Thank you for the comment, I thought that too so I tried that already, didn't work 😓

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_iyendv7 wrote

Roll him on to his back and ride him into the sunset!

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyesj7y wrote

Tried that one too 😅 he was enjoying it(maybe too much)

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyetv5g wrote

I need magic here, so you(A witch) commenting is really helpful ! 😂💜

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_iyeuws3 wrote

I'd start with that and as I'm riding tell him how good he feels, how deep he is etc. Jumping right into super dirty talk might scare him lol

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyevnzi wrote

That's exactly what I did! He liked it, but no changes from him 😅

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_iyew6d2 wrote

What about asking dirty questions during? At first he might just respond "Yeah" but he will get more comfortable. The great thing about inexperienced men, is they're receptive to what you like/need.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyewwpv wrote

Ooh you're right there... I did try to talk but didn't really try to ask! ...so here's a stupid question... what do I ask him? 😅

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_iyf4hsz wrote

Can you feel how wet you make me? If you can tell he is loving a move you're doing you can say Tell me how good it/my pussy/body feels..encourage him to talk.

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senioroldguy t1_iyenh0a wrote

Log onto a porn sub on Reddit that features what you would like to try, and show him, tell him you want to give it a try. If he's a normal guy, he won't mind it at all.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyetlxo wrote

Thank you. We did discuss something like this just with photos... didn't really work :{

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senioroldguy t1_iyev05i wrote

I'm surprised! There are "spice" games available that may help. Maybe that's something to try.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyew2ik wrote

Can you recomend some?

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senioroldguy t1_iyexe1y wrote

I would go with Google. My wife and I had an old one years ago, but I don't think it is still available.

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Guilty_Hunter9304 t1_iyen0i8 wrote

From someone who's wife is more experienced (variety wise) than I was when we got together I think it's best for you to be open with him about your desires in bed and then let him take the lead regarding the pace that things go. Maybe just start with different positions, nothing crazy at first.

It might take him a good while to come around, but I believe he will eventually

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyesq2e wrote

Thank you, this gives me hope. I did try to communicate before, during, after...he just seems so shy when it comes to it.

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Guilty_Hunter9304 t1_iyet7q5 wrote

I can see that, since it is a very intimate topic, but with some conversation I very much think you guys will come to a place where you're both happy/satisfied.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyevc6u wrote

Yes, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but we're both pretty mature and reasonable people, so I want to give him a little push. Everything I tried didn't seem to work so far, and I am scared to cross the line because I really respect him a lot, and it seems that he respects me too.

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Guilty_Hunter9304 t1_iyevhzc wrote

Respect and affection are very helpful in situations like this. I think you guys will be good 👍 😊

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MckittenMan t1_iyeo9y5 wrote

My best advice: Coach him during.

Tell him to do something and have a enthusiastic response to it. Most likely you have to take the lead on this one until he gets the hang of it.

Having a partner who tells you what to do VS being left to guess what they like.

Teach him, coach him. He will come around.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyesyb5 wrote

I do, but I think his shyness gets the best of him :( We communicate a lot about it, it's just when it comes to it...the same thing happens.

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MckittenMan t1_iyeykqa wrote

All you can do is take it one at a time and ensure their is progression.

Are you one of his first experiences or something?

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyezjhj wrote

Not exactly first but I think second or third maybe. Although that's not even important, he obviously didn't explore his sexualty that much.

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MckittenMan t1_iyf2375 wrote

That's my point.

Its an acquired skill that people can develop. And having a patient partner such as yourself will be really good.

As long as he is willing to try things out, doesn't feel like he's doing stuff he doesn't want to, you could almost fine tune your sex life exactly how you like it. Kind of an appealing thought actually, its a clean slate and yours to write on haha

I'd recommend keeping an eye on progression. If you feel like you're not getting anywhere sometimes.. then maybe that's all its going to become.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyf6z3o wrote

That's a good point, I didn't consider it that way. Thank you so much!

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TyphoonCane t1_iyesqot wrote

First off you can't push past his comfort zone until he is comfortable moving that zone. In terms of being a teacher, the most gentle way you can handle the situation is to be very concise with your directions. You cannot expect to give him a list and he'll be okay the whole list mastered. It's more one step at a time, show me what you want. Tonight we'll try this. This time I want you to try doing this. Okay do you feel confident enough to try something new now? Those sorts of hands on slow build ups. Don't aim for him to be able to master every lesson in a single session. Aim to get a little growth out of him every session.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyeun21 wrote

That's great advice! I don't want to cross his boundaries ever. Little steps are completely fine with me, but everything I tried like communicating it verbally, trying to take the lead, tell him what I would like(which is nothing crazy I promise, I think I told him I would like us to try some other positions than just missionary, like any other) just failed. When we talk about it, he's really interested and enthusiastic, but when it comes to the deed itself, just nothing happens. I would love to hear some new tips on how to make those little steps!

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TyphoonCane t1_iyex683 wrote

First you need to select a starting point. What skill do you want him to learn or gain tonight? That's a choice that only you can make. Maybe you decide tonight is the night where I teach him to put his hands on my neck. Maybe you decide you want to make tonight about talking dirty to one another. Maybe you decide that you want to show you riding him in cowgirl or reverse cowgirl.

Pick one thing, tell him "this is what I want tonight". Ask him if he is comfortable trying that thing. Then in as hands on manner as is possible lead him. If you want to teach him about how much grip strength to put onto your neck, then show it by gripping his arm. If you want to teach a new position, lie down or assume the position for him and tell him to copy you. Give him the hand signals run down of what you'll do when you want to stop, ask what signal he wants to signal to stop. Have a dialog written up where you two act out a scene together. There are so many different ways to aid him in learning how to handle you.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyez885 wrote

Ok, I'll try. I'm just concerned that he'll do things just to please me and not really enjoy them himself :(

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CermaitLaphroaig t1_iyex5ue wrote

The key is to be patient and understanding. He's new to this, and DEFINITELY new to talking about this out loud with another human being. A sense of humor and a lot of reassurance will go a long way. Frame your requests as, well, requests, clearly explained, and not as a critique. It may feel weird to be so matter-of-fact about something that we often want to feel spontaneous, but until he knows what you like (and what he himself likes), it's the only way.

Make sure you ask a lot of questions about what he wants, as well. Don't scoff or put down "vanilla" stuff if he mentions it. Ask him how he feels about stuff, and when you DO try new things that you like, make sure you tell him, give him positive feedback.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a very loving and healthy approach here, so I doubt you're going to laugh at him or something, but making him feel comfortable talking about it all, and making him feel listened to, will really help.

ETA: I realized this is all very focused on making him comfortable, and not advocating for what you want in the bedroom. There's nothing wrong with you wanting more variety in your sex life. I just think that this way will be better for ensuring that it's a fun and intimate experience for you both, and that he'll gain confidence and comfort with you along the way, which will help make it all more organic.

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Sad_Stuff8265 OP t1_iyeytew wrote

Thank you, everything you said is really on point! The only part I'm fearing is things staying this way. I have the patiance and would love to teach him new stuff.

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CermaitLaphroaig t1_iyf070j wrote

I totally get that. That's why I think you should place particular emphasis on making him comfortable with the process, as opposed to one position or whatever. Helping him communicate about sex in GENERAL will really pay off in the long run.

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