Relationship standards. Is the Man supposed to “Provide”? This is 2022

Submitted by ThommyChi t3_z8uoh1 in relationship_advice

So if y’all wanna check my last post feel free.

I’m in a relationship that is great when things are good, but the problems we have are extremely toxic and suffocating. I feel like I’m arguing with a stone wall every time.

Context of last fight. Three nights ago, she’s browsing TV’s $300-$400. I say “If you don’t mind spending that much on a TV I guess you don’t mind giving me the same in rent.”

Which starts the “I can do it all myself, I do enough, never tell a woman she isn’t doing enough like.. like this is soo embarrassing. You’re the man the man is supposed to provide. Like think of all the stuff I pay for eating out, splitting it with you. You don’t even take me out anymore. You could have it so much worse like I never ask you to pay for my nails or hair or”

During this argument, I brought up splitting everything. I have tried before but she shifted it and said she’s tried to bring it up before but I always got mad.. Really? If we split bills, she’d go from spending $550-660 Max on “us bills” to about $800-$900. Now if we BUDGETED and shopped smart, we wouldn’t spend $500 on groceries and $200+ eating out every month..

The end of the conversation was her saying “You drain me” and rolled over I said “No you drain me with the same pattern of acting like a kid, shifting the blame to me and avoiding talking about it like an adult I’m sick of it”

Then she asked me what kinda Pizza I wanted.. ordered Dominoes and spent $30 at 10:30 at night. She was giggling while ordering so it makes me wonder if she thought she was making a statement by doing that. It’s so confusing and I hope I look into it too deep.

Mind you I pay $1000 rent $100 Wifi. She buys groceries and pays electric ($150). If it was up to her, she’ll run through grabbing whatever for groceries. I’ve tried to get us to sit down and make a meal plan for the week, shop smart etc.

“Don’t tell me how to spend MY money” when I’m not. She buys clothes, bags, makeup, etc. Constantly. “It was a good deal”. I don’t buy her stuff anymore because she doesn’t have room for what all she has right now.

This argument took place Sun-Mon night. Yesterday I couldn’t stop thinking about it as I drove her two hours to take a test. How she said it was embarrassing that I asked for help, to be equal.. Because I’m having a slow month at work and I’m trying not to cut into savings. I barely spoke yesterday on the drive but I wasn’t rude of course.. I’m a really compassionate and caring guy. I don’t take shit from people but I take shit from her.. I feel like I do.

I spent $130 driving to and fro so she could take her test. She paid for lunch, but never offered to help with gas. I took off work when I really needed to be there.

I feel like if I ask her to help me on the gas, it will be an argument and she will TRY to make me feel bad by saying “it’s so embarrassing” etc etc. It’s never worked on me.

Just like how she used to cut herself after a fight and say “I cut myself because you’re mean to me. I did it because of you” I think after she realized that I knew it didn’t make any sense she stopped.

A lot of times she will ignore me completely. I may ask her why she said or did something, and she just sits looking angry.

I don’t know if I caused this problem by babying her so much or if she’s truly emotionally insecure. I offered to pay the $800 rent myself at our old house because I made more than her and wanted her to be able to save.

I feel like I put her before myself, but she puts herself before me. She has commitment issues, like how she started an argument that I haven’t given her the ring I bought her yet.

And I tell her, it’s because you “broke up”with me 4 months ago, continued to text and call me about stupid little things which made it feel like you were teasing me, how she says rude, mean things to me (Calling my family toxic, degrading me because of my positive relationship with my family, which she does not have with her family) so there is some envy there. My family has gone above and beyond for her, spent thousands on her for Christmas. Paid for a semester of her college, and it’s like she still has this insecure belief that she feels threatened by my family.

She “broke up” randomly with no real explanation, then on my birthday we met up and I told her that if she wants to stay single I’m going to block her on every platform and we won’t speak again. Then she reverted completely and said “Noo I don’t wanna be single”... and smiled.

Feel like I’m going crazy

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Glintstone-Jedi t1_iydddl5 wrote

Run. Runnnnnn. You got a narcissistic manipulator there.

I'ma be honest dude I won't go fucking near a woman who scoffs at splitting a bill or who lets a single word like "provider" spill from her lips. It's 2022 I expect women to be prepared to be part of a dual income household. If you ever have a partner act like this about money discussions even once, that's your exit. That goes for everyone of all genders.

Its 2022 unless you and your partner agree fully on stay at home and one income or on a specific person being responsible for finances, or something similar, finances should be handled as equals.

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ThommyChi OP t1_iydw9un wrote

That’s kinda what I’ve been thinking. Is that she has Narcissistic traits. But she apologizes for things too much, used to cut herself. I’ve been told Narcs will not cut or apologize for much of nothing

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Personal-Cheek-599 t1_iyedp82 wrote

This is not true. My narcissist exhusband definitely self harmed and berated himself but it was again just a manipulative tactic to get me to feel bad for him instead of holding him responsible for his actions.

You can love each other and it not be right for each other. It sounds like you both need to be alone and do some work on yourselves. She definitely has a bunch of shit to figure out but you should think about what kind of partner you want. Do you want to be the provider? Do you want a 50/50 household? What about income-based household? What boundaries should you set for when income flexes? How should you communicate with your partner about how dates will be done based on how well you do financially that month etc… there are tons if different people out there, you just need to know what you want/need and then you’ll be able to tell that this girl is not it lol and maybe the next one is.

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TattooPuddle t1_iydbwwt wrote

So........what advice did you want?

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ThommyChi OP t1_iydi23m wrote

Like I said she pays for groceries and electric $150 And I pay $1000 rent and $100 for internet.

Max she spends on groceries is $500. But I’d much rather shop smart and have a plan every week. I feel like I don’t have a voice or that she never validates my concerns, whether financial or emotional because of the things she does.

She will Stonewall, where she says nothing whatsoever when I’m trying to talk.

She will shut the conversation down by saying she’s sleepy, then if I don’t go to sleep she’s right back up and active and happy, because the conversation was avoided.

She says things like “this is so embarrassing, the man is supposed to provide”-bringing up splitting bills.

Even when I get to the point of crying out of frustration, after she’s mad me so angry by acting like a child, saying that I don’t want to leave her but I feel like I’m gonna have to, and she’ll just sit there staring at the wall. Never takes full accountability.

How can I get her to act like an adult? Do I just threaten to pack my shit and leave and go no contact like I have before? I feel like she needs therapy in order to act right.

That’s what a Psychiatrist told her in January. She was prescribed mood stabilizers but they didn’t do much, and that’s when she was told she needed therapy.

She didn’t take it well. She said “I’m just fucked up man!” And cried for hours in bed

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TattooPuddle t1_iydj4ap wrote

>How can I get her to act like an adult?

You don't. That has to be something she wants to do and she clearly isn't in the head space for that. If you're unhappy in the relationship, just leave. Don't drag it out. You tried the ultimatum and no contact thing and it didn't work so I can't see why you'd want to stick around anymore.

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EinsteinVonBrainless t1_iydhj6z wrote

Jesus tapdancing Christ, dude.

> I don’t take shit from people but I take shit from her..

Understatement of the century. This just got worse and worse with every paragraph. Stop looking for distant signs that things can get better; they won't. Look at the wreck of a relationship in front of you. Then leave it the fuck behind.

Anything else I could possibly say has already been said here. Best of luck with this. But don't wait. Just leave.

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slvstrChung t1_iydfc71 wrote

Could you live with this for the rest of your life? No? I think that's all the answer you need.

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SleepFlower80 t1_iydcaog wrote

What are you asking?

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ThommyChi OP t1_iydd6rn wrote

I’m sorry. I feel like she is taking advantage of me to a degree and acts like a child when she avoids responsibility for her actions. Would you agree that we are supposed to work together on things? And every time we try to have a serious conversation it’s almost like there is no “us” it’s that she’s going to do what she wants to do regardless

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SleepFlower80 t1_iyddj44 wrote

I think you should end it. You appear to have made yourself perfectly clear multiple times and she gaslights you in to thinking it’s all your fault or you should be doing more. She’s manipulating you and taking you for a ride financially. She sounds exhausting and frustrating. You’re going to be better off (in terms of your finances and your mental health) being single.

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ThommyChi OP t1_iye2xcy wrote

Well yes and no.. I understand and know that none of it is my fault. I will admit that I get very angry when she starts the stonewalling or saying things like “it’s embarrassing bc you’re the man” etc.

My response to that was “Oh horse shit! It’s 2022 and you’re a grown ass woman and I’m not making shit this month. Grow up”

Like she gaslights me, but I’ve always seen right through it. I’ll just tell her to stop cause I’m getting sick of it. That she needs to take responsibility.

Like how she didn’t offer to help with gas yesterday but paid for lunch. The only reason I didn’t say anything about it yesterday was because I was so fucking tired of thinking about it and didn’t want to get into it after driving all day.

But I’m going to tell her “Alright so I spent $130 in gas, WE have $1000 in rent and x and x and x. How do you want to do it because I’ll be damned if I blow all I’ve saved on bills so you can spend how you please”

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Curious-Duck t1_iydiguk wrote

Your girlfriend is not only childish and immature, but also manipulative and insecure.

Terrible, TERRIBLE combination. Let someone else deal with that, you shouldn’t be annoyed for the rest of your life…

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Infidelity_9000 t1_iydj50i wrote

Kick her out and go no contact after making sure all her crap is out of your place. Move when you can so she can't find you. She is definitely using you.

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ThommyChi OP t1_iydyoti wrote

Yes she is. But the thing is, I think it could be a little of My Fault..

When we first met, she had her apartment. She paid for Groceries and her rent. I only paid for us to go out and eat and buy her things. Never asked a penny of me.

Flash forward a year later, we get the house.

It was MY IDEA for her to just pay groceries and electric, while I paid for Rent ($800).

I spoiled her and told her to save her money.

I don’t really think she is a full blown covert narcissist, but how will I know for sure.

To a degree, I feel like I’ve created this beast by taking more responsibility than I should have, but on the other hand the insecurities which give her feelings of doubt in our relationship (Her fear that I would leave her and go back to my parents house because my relationship with them is much better compared to hers with her family)

Her fear that I am planning on leaving her, after she watched stupid fucking tiktoks where the theme is “if he wanted to he would”

She is extremely clingy. I’ve never known a narc to be that way

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Infidelity_9000 t1_iydzuuq wrote

She's clingy because she knows you're fed up and she wants to keep her lifestyle.

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ThommyChi OP t1_iye0q2b wrote

I mean she’s ALWAYS been clingy. Like ever since we met. Her lifestyle didn’t really get to the point where she was spending money all the time until I pretty much allowed it when we got the house two years ago.

The only thing that prevents me from leaving, is wondering if she’s just gotten way too comfortable with her lifestyle, because I haven’t held her to the same responsibility I hold myself.

I almost left two weeks ago.

I called Mom up and told her that I’m 90% sure she’s a Covert Narcissist. I had been telling my parents about a lot of the shit she does for the past year.

Mom comes over and brings boxes. I kinda started to break down because I didn’t picture her getting angry and having a meltdown.. I pictured her crying her eyes out and having a panic attack because she has abandonment issues. Her mom did shit like stick her in the closet and leave her when she was a baby.

So Mom kinda talked me out of leaving. Said that her and my dad used to have all kinds of crazy fights and that she used to do some of the things my Gf does. Like say mean disrespectful things and never apologize.

My parents broke up and got back together a bunch when they were our age. Got divorced twice and got back together. They are still together today, even though mom gets super mad at him.

Me and My Mom kinda compare me and my gf’s relationship to her and my dads. Me being more like my Mom and gf being more like my Dad

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sbucks2121 t1_iydjfls wrote

Alright... cut all the drama out from this situation. It comes down to a simple question. She has shown you who she is. Aside from all of the mistakes and communication challenges, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone exhibiting this behavior? Only you have the answer to that question. Just know that if you choose to continue without compromise, the situation doesn't change. Are you OK with accepting these personality traits?

You can spend all the time in the world asking the internet what is normal, but every relationship is different. Things that bother you may not be an issue for others.

If you are still interested in my random opinion, here goes...

She does not respect you and uses emotion to manipulate you into behavior she finds acceptable. She is not mature enough to handle adult conversations around money and relationships. While there are a million different types of relationships, there are only a handful of healthy communication strategies. All of these strategies involve conversation, reviewing compromises, and moving forward. You cannot grow in your relationship if you do not employ these tactics.

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Correct-Sprinkles-21 t1_iydrtcg wrote

"Man must provide" is kind of an irrelevant issue here. This is an unhealthy relationship. Y'all aren't on the same page, don't have a good foundation of communication, you don't have the same goals or expectations. You have a lot of drama and unhappiness. It's ok to just move on. Find someone who suits you better.

Who provides is up to the people involved in the relationship. What matters the most is that you agree on the setup, not who does what. If you want someone who is an equal partner financially, date people who expect to be equal partners financially.

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VariationX7 t1_iydk8r2 wrote

Drop her, do want to be used like this for the rest of your life? She is manipulative, she wants the perks of traditional gender-roles, having you provide, but doesn't want to act her part.. Break up and just go nc, so she can't manipulate you anymore

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ThommyChi OP t1_iye06lq wrote

That’s what I’ve told her every time. That I know it’s manipulative and she has no logic in her baseless arguments. Like she wanted to go eat breakfast at a high end joint. Told her I wasn’t paying for it. She pouted. Asked again and I told her the same thing.

It’s not like I jump at her every wish or command. I don’t by any means whatsoever. If we go to the bar, I got cover fee, she has drinks.

If she wants something to eat she pays for it. Like I’ve known it’s manipulative for the longest, I don’t really play into it.

Like with the self harm thing, I just looked at her and said “What the fuck? Really? That doesn’t make a lick of sense when I never said one mean thing to you”

Or “Is that reaaally the reason? Or are you trying to make me feel bad?”

Like the manipulation the trys only works in the aspect of her avoiding it in the end. There’s just never any owning up to her actions and taking responsibility. So I just stay pissed off

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Fearless_Outside_657 t1_iydlas1 wrote

First she’s gaslighting you.

But in answer to your questions, yes in a relationship especially before marriage both parties should work together and contribute more or less evenly regardless of gender.

In this specific relationship, she is clearly taking advantage of your kindness and you should break up with her.

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LengthinessFresh4897 t1_iydr8uy wrote

If a woman ever tells me that it's a man's job to provide I'm going to simply reply that it's a woman's job to be a homemaker so I will no longer cook or clean but I enjoy causing trouble so take my advice with a grain of salt

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cassowary32 t1_iye7cjx wrote

Your damsel in distress wants to play the damsel 24/7. You can opt out of being the White Knight.

If you are looking for a partnership, she's repeatedly told you that that's not what's on offer. Stop waiting for the answer to change, what you see is what you get.

Kick her out and find someone who cares about you not just what you can provide for her.

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RheinhartSchneider t1_iydcdja wrote

The man provides in a committed relationship.

She's taking advantage of you, and giving nothing in return that's worth the cost.

Leave. Set yourself straight. Focus on your goals, be better for yourself

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idkthisisathorowaway t1_iydcl7g wrote

Both parties should ideally provide in a committed relationship, it sets up a very unbalanced relationship when there's only a single breadwinner

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ThommyChi OP t1_iyddkzf wrote

Like I said she pays for groceries and electric And I pay $1000 rent and $100 for internet.

Max she spends on groceries is $500. But I’d much rather shop smart and have a plan every week. I feel like I don’t have a voice or that she never validates my concerns, whether financial or emotional because of the things she does

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