This will be long winded so thank you to anyone who reads. About a year ago I found out my husband has been talking to people online (men mostly but a few interactions with women) and made several sex app accounts. When I caught him he was fairly forthcoming but did not disclose everything; however, he did admit he was struggling with his sexuality. I don’t care if he’s bisexual as I am too (which he knows) I only mention it to give his side of the story a little context. Fast forward to now and I have been piecing together that this behavior started a year or maybe year and a half before I found out, which is really getting to me. I have been letting him continue to use Grindr and such as long as he’s forthcoming and because I know what it’s like to need to explore what’s going on with your sexuality.

However, I’m finding that my stress and anxiety and mistrust have not really gone away despite him being more open with his online activities now. In theory, I don’t mind nonmonogamy and had even thought of it myself. However, i think I let him continue some activity because I didn’t want to lose my husband, but I don’t think I gave myself enough time and distance from the situation to realistically let this keep happening without insecurities. It’s becoming an anxiety inducing obsession wondering what he’s doing online or when he’s gone. Plus my sex drive has been crazy but not in a positive way but where I need sex to feel connected and like I’m enough for him.

The thing is, I feel terrible withdrawing my permission for him to explore and a part of me is afraid I want it to stop so that i can control what he’s doing and be the sole recipient of his sexual thoughts and activities which sounds so controlling to me. I know many of you will suggest therapy which I am planning on trying as soon as I financially can but it’s not feasible atm. I just don’t know if I should let the feeling pass or tell him that I need him to stop. I just don’t want our marriage to end and I want to be a supportive wife.