How to tell if my (F26) boyfriend (M26) is using me

Submitted by snakejazz57 t3_z8uljw in relationship_advice

Ok so I’ve never posted anything like this before so bear with me. We’ve been dating for a year as of yesterday, he moved in with my parents and I in February (I had to move back in last November after being out since I was 17) he had a good paying job but it was a horrible place to work as far as safety goes so when he expressed wanting to quit in late march I fully supported him and knew we could barely survive off of my income, so I took over all of his bills and knew he would find something soon, I just wanted him to be happy. Well September rolls around and despite him applying for jobs he hadn’t found anything yet and I understand how tough it is to find something but my parents didn’t like that I was going out and working while he stayed home so he started working with me cleaning houses (I run the business myself) I really enjoy and appreciate his help since it was really starting to wear on me but my mom and my sister feel like he might be using me since even though he’s helping me it’s not bringing in anymore money than what I was making before, personally I just appreciate the help but I can see their side too, I guess I started considering what they said after I mentioned that I had been applying to any job I could find, any hours, any days and holidays but he said he’s saying on his applications he can’t work nights or weekends and is only trying for things he really wants, which is awesome in an ideal world but we’re barely getting by and I would like to move out of my parent’s house soon. He also has bought two pistols while living here and has used savings or what I was making before he started working with me, he has bought video games and stuff like that while I haven’t bought anything for myself besides necessities, which isn’t his fault but he knows how I feel about saving money. I have bought him little gifts here and there and he’s only ever bought me something for Valentines. I just want to know if I’m kinda blinded right now because I feel like he’s the one I want to be with forever, but I can see my family’s side.

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nom-d-pixel t1_iydchxv wrote

Why in the world would you want to spend the rest of your life with an unemployed moocher who uses your hard earned savings to buy guns and toys?

You aren’t in love; you are addicted to him and afraid to be alone.

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snakejazz57 OP t1_iyditdi wrote

I agree, but to clarify I was alone for years by choice, I was very happy and I could easily do that for the rest of my life. At first he was what I was waiting on and still is in all the other ways, but it’s not worth it if it stays like this and I know that.

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pinback77 t1_iydcbzb wrote

He shouldn't be using money on things like pistols. I wouldn't even let him in my house if he was unemployed and needed two pistols for some reason.

That aside, dude needs a tall glass of reality. You get whatever job you can, then you get choosy while you are earning money. I can't tell you how many people "hold out" for months or even years because they are looking for the perfect job. I wouldn't care what he was doing as long as he was doing something. Helping you out with no additional income and on his own terms is not going to cut it.

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McSuzy t1_iydgxlq wrote

If this is the life that you want forever then there is no reason not to continue with him.

But can you articulate what it is about living with your parents and financing the lifestyle of a guy who won't work and didn't even get your some candy on Valentine's Day is so appealing that you want to sign up for 50 more years of it?

When I read that you are not bringing any more $ in from your cleaning business after doubling your staff I was going to push you on that point. Once I read the rest, it became clear that you are choosing to spend your life with an impulsive and irresponsible person who does not give two shits about you. In my experience, people who make the choices you are making will not listen to reason so I am not even going to try to convince you that you are being foolish.

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snakejazz57 OP t1_iydifm3 wrote

The reason I’m not bringing more money in is because people won’t pay more than what I’m already charging. I can totally see what you and my family are seeing, I just wanted to get other opinions on something like this. I’ve been feeling like breaking up with him for a while now, but it’s hard to let go of all the other parts of our relationship that are perfect, but I also want to do what’s best for me, I could honestly live the rest of my life alone and be happy. Thank you for the advice.

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Kooky_Independent656 t1_iydc3v0 wrote

Tell him to get a job...any job...and not a job that's convenient for him...times are tough and you need help. What I did when I was in your situation...I started looking for jobs for my boyfriend...and texting him the ads and pushed him to go to work without nagging and it worked. He's probably in a slump and needs a push.

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snakejazz57 OP t1_iydiznw wrote

Thanks for the advice! I’m glad it worked out for y’all.

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markhappyguy t1_iydkq6b wrote

He has no financial incentive to find a paying job because you are enabling him. He does not have to pay for any living expenses. As you see he is using any of his money to buy toys for himself. Your family is right. Give him 30 days to find his own place and job then kick him out.

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