Fiancé wants to breakup because I’m bisexual.

Submitted by [deleted] t3_z8f0xq in relationship_advice

Before my fiancé (26M) and I (24F) started dating, we were friends for over a year; during that time I told him I was bisexual and had dated women in the past. He responded positively and said, “that’s cool!” And he let me open up about my past, being in the closet and even asked questions regarding my sexuality that he also took pretty well.

Later on, we started dating, and now eventually going to get married, or at least we’re supposed to get married in three months. The topic of my bisexuality is rarely mentioned. I really have no reason to talk about it because it’s just who I am, I’m terrified of going to any marches or events due to what’s been happening lately, and really what could I say? A few weeks ago I mentioned something about it after he made a joke about my gay friend, trying to defend my friend, and in response, he said, “you’re not bi, you’re getting married to me.” I defended myself, and we went back and forth about it, but he essentially made it very clear he doesn’t like LGBT and doesn’t believe I am bisexual. I dropped it because like most of our arguments, we steer off-topic, start laughing, and make up.

He’s very sarcastic and often says things to shock me that he eventually admits were just that, sarcasm. While I wasn’t sure if what he said was one of those times, I wanted to see the best in him and assumed if he was still dating me, and knew of my sexuality since before we were dating, then he obviously has no real issue. Naïve. Of course.

As for today… I don’t remember how exactly it came up, but I remember mentioning my being bisexual as a point to something he said, and before I could even finish my sentence, he interrupted and said, “you’re not bisexual.” I of course defended myself and asked him why he disliked gay people— and asked why it even mattered if I wasn’t planning on dating any women in the future, just him.

He told me it’s wrong, against his beliefs, and that he doesn’t want to believe I’m bisexual because if I keep insisting I am, he’d have to end things. He doesn’t want me telling our children it’s okay to be queer. It’s just wrong to him. When I asked I’m if he was breaking up with me then, he said only if I’m bisexual to which I insisted I was, and he only said “I guess I have to.”

I tried to get him to elaborate but he knows me more than anyone and knows how to change the subject, getting me to drop it. He didn’t bring the topic up again later, and I’m still trying to process everything to even say anything more on the subject.

Besides me obviously loving him to death, I also don’t know if we should break up because… does it matter? If I’m attracted to him and him only (loyal to a fault) why should we end things? Part of me feels devastated that someone who accepted so many of my quirks and flaws won’t accept this part. Part of me feels hurt that he was telling me, to my face, that my experiences mean nothing and that he doesn’t want me passing off my genes or “gay ideas” to our future children. That he thinks it’s even wrong in the first place. The part that loves him is— maybe naively, trying to hold onto this relationship, and call this disagreement a flaw that can be overlooked. I know that even if I overlook this fact, it will come up in the future, and I may grow to resent him. I just don’t wanna lose him, but I don’t know if it’s right, or even fair to myself to just let it go and let him have his beliefs.

We’ve always been different in a lot of ways:

He’s religious, I’m not. I was born in a western society, he was not. I’m Hispanic, he’s not spicy. He’s a homebody, I wanna go out. He likes homemade food and doesn’t like eating out, I can’t cook. I like sushi, he makes me eat across the room because he can’t stand the smell. We are complete opposites and yet somehow we respect each other’s differences and beliefs and have never given each other an ultimatum, and certainly never about our identity/beliefs. In a way, I feel like he’s trying to make me give up my identity, while I’m trying to make him give up his beliefs. And I don’t want to do that.

I want to try talking about it to him later but he was so quick to call an end to us earlier. Right now we are still texting (he’s at work) normally as if nothing happened, he asked me to pick him up a coffee when I stop to spend his lunch with him. So normal. Seemingly unaffected. I’m honestly so lost, and don’t know what to do, if it matters, if I should be hurt, if he’s really so homophobic— my mind is just racing.

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BelmontIncident t1_iybasn3 wrote

Now imagine what happens if you have kids and they're not straight.

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[deleted] OP t1_iybzzdl wrote

I’m gonna update here because I think my og post is lengthy enough, and if everyone sees this, they see it, if not… well. Anyways.

Update: We broke up. I think? He kept trying to change the subject when I tried to bring it up again but eventually I got him to talk about it.

He repeated his sentiments, and said if it wasn’t about his future kids or whatever, he would have just accepted me and let me say I’m whatever I want but he asked if I would tell our kids it’s okay to be gay. I said of course. He said then we have to break up then.

I started crying (embarrassing). We talked for awhile, hugged, more talking. All in the parking lot of his job. He essentially said he can’t and would never change his mind about the LGBT. I cried and argued. He compared being gay to being a p/do, then to being attracted to animals. I cried and argued some more, asked if he was joking: he said he was serious, several times he said he was not at all joking.

Then he asked if we could talk about it tomorrow, most likely hoping I’d forget about the conversation and things would go back to normal. I said I would stay at my parents house tonight instead.

Then all of the sudden he says “fine, I’ll accept you. I’ll let you tell our kids whatever you want, I’ll let you be whatever you want.”

I was confused, still crying, and quite frankly numb from what just happened.

He said “someone has to save our relationship.” Implying that I’m the one breaking up with him by not agreeing with his ultimatum. Saying it’s my choice now if we want to break up.

I’m just too tired and confused. I told him even if he said it’s fine now, I know he’d never actually believe what he’s saying. I ended the conversation and said sure we’d talk tomorrow but I’m sleeping on the couch.

I’ll save me having to make another update and tell you guys now: he’ll say something charming if not slightly funny, he’ll convince me he was joking the whole time, and will maybe throw in a thing about how he supports the lgbt, that it’s just because his religion that he can’t completely agree with it, we’ll move on and it will never be mentioned again, because if it is, he will stonewall me or just smile and say “yes, honey” just to shut me up right there. He’s predictable by now.

Or maybe I’ll wake up and and leave before he wakes, moving on with my life. I really couldn’t tell you guys definitely because part of me thinks this was all some sort of game to see whether I’d cry or something when he broke up with me. I don’t know. I don’t want to stay with someone like that. I also always assume the worst out of people. I don’t know but I do appreciate all of your advice. Most of them will be in my head tonight while I try to sleep.

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[deleted] OP t1_iybbzkh wrote

The thing is, and I’m mad at him for it— the way he reacted when I first told him was so positive and accepting. In general he’s a kind and accepting person. I’m still holding out hope that he’s joking and would hope he wouldn’t turn away or reject our kids.

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BelmontIncident t1_iybc9jj wrote

It's not funny. Are his jokes usually bad?

If you want to be sure, you can try directly asking him what happens if your son brings home a boyfriend.

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[deleted] OP t1_iybdi2t wrote

Honestly, yes. He once joked that he was actually racist, and I was really mad about it, close to breaking up with him, then when we sat down to talk about it, he goes, “wait, you thought I was being serious?”

Now having known him awhile, I’ve realized that that’s just his attempt at humor, whether it’s just because he’s from a different culture or is a genuine sociopath who just says things for shock value… I’m not sure, the culture thing is just easier to accept. I sound so stupid I know.

I’m going to have to ask him about it later.

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Far-Side2489 t1_iybd8p8 wrote

If you marry a bigot, don’t be shocked later when his bigotry harms you and the people you love. Also know full well that you’ll be inflicting a bigot on your possible future children. Take responsibility for your choices.

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jennimackenzie t1_iybbn57 wrote

You’re fiancé is the literal dictionary definition of a bigot. Good luck with that. You should be the one that’s afraid of what your children with him will be taught.

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Glintstone-Jedi t1_iybbo42 wrote

As a bi guy...

This is going to matter alot more to you when you have kids and you want to teach them that how you are is normal and he wants to teach them that how you are is an abomination to God.

Yall made it work until this point, likely against the odds. He wants to pretend this part of you does not exist. You don't.

You're not rational. Its love, love is irrational. But you're actively trying to allow love to overrule your judgement. And point of order here, he is not. You are the more invested person here. Like you said, he doesn't want you passing your gay ideas or genes onto his children.

This is over. When you admit that to yourself is kinda up to you, but the longer it takes the more damage you'll do to yourself in the end.

P.S. If one of your kids is gay he's going to blame you and file for divorce and shun the not straight child.

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[deleted] OP t1_iybe5hi wrote

Your right. I know subconsciously I’m already aware of the fact. The future I imagined would be ruined if I stay with him… but part of my future involved him and I don’t know how to let go of that. I’m not saying that I’m considering staying with him, in fact, I think as soon as I bring up the topic later he will definitely break up with me but I’m fighting the urge to just say sureee I’m straight just to appease him and go back in the closet.

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ComfortableNo8346 t1_iybeb3l wrote

He does not respect or accept you. If he is joking this is not funny, but call his bluff and break up with him. I’m a little suspicious about the “I was just joking about being racist” thing too.

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Katseye1975 t1_iybpd3x wrote

He said it was cool because he wanted to think it was a phase! He's now made it clear he won't support you or you children if you don't fit in his moral box. Get out now before any further damage can be done

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Left-Muscle8355 t1_iybl9aa wrote

Sorry if this sounds blunt or old fashioned. I have been married for 22 years to a wonderful woman. She experimented early on with a bisexual relationship and threesomes before we met. I was very forthright and when we got serious, I explained that I simply did not want to share her affection with anyone else. While we had our tumultuous early years, it became obvious that she also wanted a monogamous relationship long term and was satisfied with what we had created together. We married and have 2 wonderful girls, who have both professed to being bisexual in nature. I am fine with it, as is my spouse. I truly believe it all comes down to being honest in your expectations of the relationship. However, I never found the prospect of even a F/F/M being interesting in the least so I am probably an outlier who is just straight by preference.

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Petonia t1_iybvteo wrote

Break up with this dude. You say you respect each other’s opinions but he clearly doesn’t respect yours. I don’t think marrying this man will do you any good. He is testing your waters with those sarcastic jokes that are borderline offensive. He evaluates your response to those statements and then backtracks saying it was sarcasm. Also he is clearly homophobic. Do you really think you have a future with a homophobe?

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Significant-Owl5869 t1_iybynvz wrote

Why do y’all call people names because they don’t go along with y’all’s beliefs…

You’re a woman. Dating a man. Planning on marrying a man and being pregnant with a man’s kids…

Just because someone can find the same sex physically attractive and even sexually attractive doesn’t make you bi. You know who I think is one of the most beautiful woman ever? Pryankra Chopra! 😍 does that make me bi now? Some men like to be sexually aroused from behind. Does that make them gay?

If you were a dike or trans conforming to a new life than it would be understandable about him being arrogant.

But you’re doing “gender-norm” living and you’re flabbergasted why he’s confused?

A lesbian is a lesbian. Gay is gay.

That’s understandable.

What makes you bi?

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[deleted] OP t1_iyc0s6l wrote

Based on what you’re telling me, I think you need to come out of the closet because you’re definitely bisexual.

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Significant-Owl5869 t1_iyc17ev wrote

Because I said a woman is beautiful? Lol you see that’s my point.. Your actions vs your words don’t make sense.

ps. All humans are beautiful.

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