Am I too close to my husband's best friend?

Submitted by throwingaway2846 t3_z8v8r8 in relationship_advice

TL;DR- My husband told me to seek emotional support from his best friend instead of him (he's aware he's not an emotional person and can't support me how I need him to) but I'm feeling guilt for doing so. I love both of them and don't want to be over stepping my boundaries. We text/call every day, maybe more than my husband and him do. I've asked husband many times if he's actually comfortable with this and he says yes every time

all three of us have known each other since high school. My husband and I have been married a couple of years and we have three kids. My husband is not very emotional and I'm a very very emotional person so he doesn't quite know how to handle my feelings. He actually told me to talk to his best friend instead of him about my problems because he doesn't know what to say and he feels like his best friend does. So this is what I have done. Now we speak everyday I tell him basically everything about my life except for problems in my marriage. he gives wonderful advice and makes me feel valued and cherished. My husband also makes me feel this way but he does not help with my problems, he usually just makes me feel guilty for having feelings. He is aware of this and I think that's why he referred me to his friend but I'm starting to feel guilty about how close we have become. There's not interest to sleep with him it's nothing like that I just feel bad that I'm talking to his best friend about my problems and feelings instead of my husband but this is quite literally what he wants. I've tried to go to couples counseling to work on communication and his receptiveness but he flat out refuses.

Now whenever all three of us are together I feel like my husband is watching us, even though we have done some sexual things all together in the past. The lines of friendship and intimacy are pretty blurred but I would never ever do anything to break my husband's trust and neither would his friend. I'm sure if the opportunity presented itself and my husband said that he wanted to do something like all of us together, I would be down and I know his friend would be too because that's just the type of people we are.. but I would never ever do anything behind his back. His friend and I have gotten flirtatious when we were under the influence in the past but again we've never crossed any boundaries.

I'm feeling guilty for all of this but this is what he wanted so I guess I should just shut up and be okay with it. Should I continue talking to him like I do? I've brought up to my husband many times that I feel wrong for being so close and he tells me it's fine. I've told him I'm starting to feel very bonded to his friend and he said as long as I'm not sleeping with him or flirting with him, it's okay. His friend is more like a brother to him and he has definitely earned a soft spot in my heart as well. We've actually thrown around the idea of him moving in with us for not only his sake, but our financial reasons as well. I find myself thinking about a life with all three of us together, not in a relationship, but just living together and spending basically all of our time together.

How do I deal with the guilt that I apprently shouldn't be feeling? I feel like my husband doesn't want to deal with my emotions and is just shoving them into someone he trusts. Don't get me wrong I love talking to his friend and spending time with him is great, I'm just wondering why he doesn't want to deal with my feelings..or if he's just not capable. Part of me is wondering if he wants all three of us to get into a relationship or something so that way I have someone to rely on emotionally rather than him because he has said many times that I overwhelm him with my feelings and emotional needs. If you have made it this far congratulations. This is just a completely anxious ramble question so sorry about all that

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redditavenger2019 t1_iydi2iw wrote

You have so many problems you need to contact this friend everyday? That is overdoing it. I hope you are not talking about your marriage to him. That's emotionally cheating.

You admit to wanting to do sexual things if husband is on board. You have been flirty in the past. You are into this friend more than you will admit. Start cutting back on your contact with him. Go find a bff to share your story or better yet tell your husband your problems. He may be pushing you off to his friend because you have so many issues that its tiring to hear them.

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Malalang t1_iydkzr4 wrote

As i was reading, I thought, "she's one wine session away from cheating on her husband with this guy" and lo and behold you confessed it already happened. Pretty sure that's where your guilt is coming from.

Your husband is stupid, and you are overly needy. And his friend is getting resentful for only being your emotional tampon. It's only a matter of time before he gets you drunk enough...

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throwingaway2846 OP t1_iye1bx4 wrote

You know I was just gonna let your comment slide but I do have one thing to point out.

You are ignorant. Cheating has different definitions in different relationships. Example: my friend has an agreement with her partner that she may have sex with others, as long as she tells her partner before/after it happens. My other friend isn't even allowed to hang out with the opposite sex, or it is cheating. Different relationships have different boundaries and it's bold of you to assume anyone's boundaries.

When I flirted with his friend, I told my husband the morning after and he said it happens sometimes and just asked me to not do that again. And I have not. Did I cross a line? Yes. But did I cheat on him? No.

You are being overly critical of someone who is on an advice sub. Nothing about your comment was advice, it was all criticism.

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Malalang t1_iyepgog wrote

You're right. I apologize. I have little patience for people who break the rules that have worked for millions of relationships over thousands of years and then complain when it's not working out the way they want. But I should have kept my criticism to myself.

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oiler1996 t1_iyehnza wrote

I think it may be best to distance yourself from the friend abit, its ok to go to someone for outside advice and perspectives but your husband should be the guy your talking to the most about your issues. I understand that he doesnt want to do that but he needs to be an active part in the emotional aspect of your life. Right now he benefits because assumingly he gets the sex and fun stuff and sends you away to deal with emotions with someone else. Now your feeling guilt about sharing and becoming so close to the best friend when in reality you did what your husband wanted. I think you need to talk to your husband about this and explain you need him to step up emotionally for you, it will bring you closer together in doing so.

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throwingaway2846 OP t1_iyeztbg wrote

Thank you so much for your reply.

I want my husband to be the guy I come to so desperately, but he flat out refuses to work on his communication skills. When I come to him with my feelings (maybe once a week with something I'd like to discuss) if he doesn't understand them he gaslights me. I don't think this is intentional but is due to his upbringing. When I told him that I don't feel comfortable coming to him with my feelings anymore because of his past responses, he shut down and basically said I'm making problems. I had put distance between our friend and I for about a month but after we saw him last we started talking every day again.

What do you think I should do if he continues to not want to work on his receptiveness and communication? I can't force him to do it, and I really don't want to leave him. I love him to pieces and this is really the only area we have issues, but unfortunately it's an important area. At this point I'm starting to think he wants me to feel this way about his friend. Like you said, he's getting the perks without the work. I think he genuinely doesn't understand feelings and is scared of them, especially his own. Maybe that's why he's so okay with this, because he's shut his feelings off in that sense. I feel he loves me a lot, and I love him a lot too.

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oiler1996 t1_iyf1eo4 wrote

Have you ever expressed to him how you want him to support you when you are talking about your emotions or feelings? I know it sounds odd but some people are just really arent good at feelings and instead of discussing them they push them away, so telling him the kind of support would help.

Starting with smaller issues to discuss will help too, if you go to him with something thats stressful or difficult and he doesnt know how to respond it may cause him to shut down, but if you build up to something like that with him he may be more receptive to helping.

Maybe start by asking him to just let you vent to him first, then start asking for his opinion on whats going on.

Would he be open to seeing a councilor with you? that way you can discuss your feelings and they can provide him with tips and tricks on how to respond and help you?

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throwingaway2846 OP t1_iyf3no8 wrote

>Have you ever expressed to him how you want him to support you when you are talking about your emotions or feelings?

Yes, he's done a better job in a sense, but he still tries to fix my problem when all I want him to do is listen and sympathize. Most of my issues are just with dealing with 3 kids alone all day, then having to close at my job at night. I'm stressed and sometimes just need to vent. When I want solutions I usually state that before I start talking because I know sometimes he tunes in and out (which is totally fine when venting)

>Maybe start by asking him to just let you vent to him first, then start asking for his opinion on whats going

He sometimes does this, but usually he tells me he doesn't want to talk about whatever it is or tells me not to worry about his shit. I've told him this makes me feel left out of his emotions and thoughts and he apologizes.

>Would he be open to seeing a councilor with you? that way you can discuss your feelings and they can provide him with tips and tricks on how to respond and help you?

This is literally what I want. I don't want to see someone to "fix us" as he thinks, I just want a 3rd party there to help direct conversation in a polite and direct way with minimal confusion on our ends. He said he will not do this because he thinks they're going to convince me to leave him, that he's the source of the issues we have, be told that he needs to change, that I fell in love with someone broken etc. He doesn't grasp that I just want to communicate with him effectively. I'm exhausted, and I know he is too.

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oiler1996 t1_iyf5dda wrote

When he tries to fix the problem and your just trying to vent ask him to let you finish talking first, explain you want him to just listen as you were stressed throughout the day and just need him to be a pair of ears at the moment. If after your done he has solutions listen to his response, even if its not a good one just thank him for listening and you apprechiate him.

For him not wanting to talk about his feelings and emotions their isnt much you can do about that outside of reassuring him your their if he ever wants to talk and making sure he is comfortable doing so.

On option for councilling is for you to start out solo and then try and have him join in after you have gone a few times, this way he may be more willing knowing you have gone and you havent left him. Try explaining its not about fixing but its about growing together and becoming better for eachother

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