The_Cheese_Master t1_iyduzmn wrote on November 30, 2022 at 5:48 PM

Wow, this is a lot to unpack. First question is why you still have that content on your phone? No judgement, just seems weird to me unless it's kept for self gratification or something?

Second, why is he going through your phone like that? Is it a trust issue, or do you have that kind of relationship where that isn't uncommon?

commentator30 OP t1_iydwmua wrote on November 30, 2022 at 5:58 PM

I genuinely didn’t keep them for self gratification. They were from a year ago so they were always in my hidden folder. We dated for one month in person, 3 months online, and this is the first time i’ve been with him since that one month IRL so it didn’t cross my mind that I had content I should delete in there because honestly I overlooked the fact that they were in there and that he could’ve stumbled across them .. I did think to delete all the photos and videos of my exes that were in my main photos folders. I just really didn’t think of the hidden folder.

also, it is highly uncommon in our relationship. he watched my password over my shoulder. I’ve never given him a reason to suspect I was doing anything and to the bottom of my heart I haven’t been engaged with anyone else or doing anything suspicious. It was so out of the blue. It made me feel like he went to my hidden folder for wank content for himself because I wasn’t giving him sex. he actually mentioned he “thought the hidden folder would have interesting pics of me” so… i’ve never gone through his phone, haven’t even asked for the password. the one time he did show me his camera roll he had a few photos of his ex but i didn’t mind. i trust him.. but he doesn’t feel the same i suppose.

Malinyay t1_iyf0vk4 wrote on November 30, 2022 at 10:18 PM

I get you OP! if I had videos like that I could definitely forget about them. I can forget pretty much everything.

I had a tie in my underwear drawer when my now husband came to visit for the first time. It was supposed to be a gift to my ex from my little sister (like 12 years old at the time) she gave it to me and I just put it away and forgot about it. that happened like 3 years before I even met my husband. Opened the drawer 1000 times after that without even noticing. But my husband found it instantly when he looked in the drawer and thought... I dunno, that I was secretly longing for my ex, saving little mementos or whatever.

Could have ended the relationship, I had no way to prove that it was how I said. Now that he knows me he also knows that I could definitely do something like that.

Is your relationship worth fighting for though? He sounds really lame? And if you don't want to have sex in 4 days that early in the relationship I'm not sure you're that into him unless you want even less sex later in the relationship.

The_Cheese_Master t1_iydye40 wrote on November 30, 2022 at 6:09 PM

That makes a lot of sense, I appreciate that clarification! Knowing that, it really makes me believe that he doesn't believe you or trust you. That was an honest mistake that he never should have seen to begin with.

He's sounding pretty manipulative here. "Oh, you fucked them, but you won't fuck me?" Kind of vibe, but I could be off base there. And the fact he went into your phone without permission, possibly for jerk off material.... I'm sorry you're going through that. It really sounds like a serious conversation around personal boundaries and expectations needs to happen.