My boyfriend found intimate videos and pictures of me and other guys in my hidden folder while I was sleeping.

Submitted by commentator30 t3_z8xs1u in relationship_advice

I (F 22) have been dating my boyfriend (M 23) for about five months now. For three months of our relationship, we were long distance. He arrived on the 16th of November to spend 3 months living with me, he’s from South Korea. As thanksgiving came we’d spent the weekend with my parents. I wasn’t into having sex during that time because the idea of sex in my childhood home gives me the heebie jeebies. we were there for 2 days, then when We’d been back in our shared home together for about 2 days, and I still wasn’t in the mood for sex. so it was only about four days time since our last sexual instance. By the end of the day he started saying “why are you doing this to me?” “this is torture” because i wasn’t having sex with him. After talking about the situation, he told me a man’s confidence goes down because why wouldn’t I wanna have sex if I thought he was attractive, but that he was sorry for saying those words and feeling negative about me not wanting sex. This was at about 5 AM… by 1 PM that same day I woke up, he laid on my chest laughing maniacally saying he saw my folder. saying if he didn’t laugh he’d cry. saying he hates me but he still loves me. He said his thoughts didn’t change about me but he thought I must’ve been cheap to make those videos at the time they were filmed (a year and a half before i met him) and that he felt cheap to just probably “be one of those guys”. The truth is I don’t view my hidden folder.. (EDIT: I forgot to mention, he had also sent the videos to himself.)

I hate that no matter what I say it’s going to seem like a cover up. If I add a video to my hidden folder I never view it again, and since we were long distance going through my phone thoroughly to delete things just in case didn’t cross my mind, minus the few photos I came across of my exes in my main album that I made sure were gone. Had I remembered I would’ve had the hidden folder photos deleted too.. Mind you I have 56,000 photos and 600 videos on my phone so it’s not something I thought about .. He’s constantly insecure and I’ve been doing everything to not make him not feel that way in our relationship , it feels like this ruined the process. Now, he’s being very cold to me. After talking about it, he initiated sex too and I did it. I don’t know if it was because of his insecurity, or because he felt close to me again or because he wanted to feel some type of ownership after seeing me with others… I don’t know if we’re going to break up. What do I do?

TLDR: My boyfriend went through my phone while I was sleeping, saw sexual content of me and different men from last year in the folder. Now hes treating me differently. How do I fix it?

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thatoneguyfrom310 t1_iydvmwy wrote

If you're dating someone for the last 5 months, why the fuck would you have a folder like that in your phone ? You made him feel a lot more insecure now that he knows you have sexual stuff of yourself and other men in your phone.. You're not the brightest

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commentator30 OP t1_iydydka wrote

I deleted them off my phone when he told me he saw them. They were in the hidden folder because after I’d film them at that time I hid them cause I didn’t wanna think about them. 3 months of us dating was online, and i hadn’t thought about that content being on my phone and him possibly seeing it.

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thatoneguyfrom310 t1_iydz1mg wrote

Wow. So you recorded the videos ? Good luck getting out of this one. If I was in his shoes I would feel like shit too. Why is it that you can have sex with these guys in the videos you made, but not your own boyfriend ? You obviously don't like him that much. Stop wasting each others time and just break up.

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thebooksqueen t1_iye1ca1 wrote

Just because he's her boyfriend doesn't mean she owes him sex. I know many women who have recordings of themselves, does it mean they don't value their partner? No. Does it mean, that because she's had sex with them she owes sex to her boyfriend? No.

(Most) women have a sexual history, hers just happens to be recorded. So can we stop shaming her for her choices please?

Also, pressuring your girlfriend, or anyone to have sex with you when she doesn't want to is kind of r*pey so can we just, you know, not?

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thatoneguyfrom310 t1_iye2fyt wrote

Never once did I state that she owes her boyfriend sex ? I advise you read comments more carefully. I only said that's quite odd that she wouldn't with her boyfriend.

Next, I don't give a shit about her recording the experience. It's a stupid thing to have in your phone when you get into a relationship.

Lastly, I didn't comment on him "pressuring" her into sex. If she wants to have sex with him that's her choice.

Go somewhere else with that shit.

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davidmacku t1_iye8dhy wrote

Imagine if a guy was excellent at giving head to girls. His girl finds out about it. She really loves it but he says “I only did that stuff when I was younger, I don’t really like doing it now.”

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GW4202 t1_iydxzxu wrote

It's pretty simple, he feels like he doesn't match up to those guys as you won't have sex with him, however you'll take pics and videos with other guys... he shouldn't have been snooping, but come on this relationship is over before it's started.

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Final-Carpenter-1591 t1_iydzq03 wrote

Agreed. I felt this way with an ex once. She apparently blowed him all the time and took videos and pics for him. She never did any of that for me. I felt really pathetic

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Prolersion t1_iye2b7v wrote

I thought we were supposed to delete sex videos/pictures of our exes or people we no longer see?

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Calasy t1_iye46vn wrote

No, obviously you create a hidden folder, store them all there and then never view them again.

Makes no damn sense OP saved them in a saved folder if her intention was to never watch them again. Lmfao.

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Malinyay t1_iyerujl wrote

She may have put them there when they were still together and forgot about them before they even broke up. Could definitely happen to me.

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Calasy t1_iyes226 wrote

>If I add a video to my hidden folder I never view it again

This implies she added videos of exes every time she dated/slept with someone. I'm sure she was reminded on a regular base since she was building a collection with different guys in that folder.

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Malinyay t1_iyf2lws wrote

She doesn't say the videos were with multiple people anywhere. She says they were all made about 1,5 years ago. And yes it could still happen to me. I could think, o I'll delete those tomorrow or the thought that I had put other videos in that folder may never even strike me even though it should, I'm a real scatterbrain, maybe op is too.

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Clean-Cream- t1_iye1qpm wrote

Having old videos of past partners is a red flag. Personally, I really find it hard to believe you didn’t mean to keep. You don’t just forget you have 56,000 pics and 600 videos of you having sex with other people. That just doesn’t happen.

He shouldn’t have been snooping. You also don’t owe him sex. But you have to see from his point of view. Anyone would feel insecure of themselves after seeing something like that.

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Income_Loose t1_iye2gr8 wrote

The number of videos and pics is the total amount on her phone not the content of her folder.

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Clean-Cream- t1_iye2qry wrote

Ohhh. My fault. I understand now but it’s still weird. I still find it hard to believe you forget that you have anything like content on your phone.

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oiler1996 t1_iye2jco wrote

why the fuck would you keep old videos and pictures of you fucking other guys if your in a commited relationship? i dont buy the whole i forgot excuse, you just didnt want to give up the videos, now that you got caught keeping videos of your exs you deleted them but you never had any intent on getting rid of them. Of course hes fucking insecure now, he assumes you kept the videos because you would watch and get off to them and you enjoyed the others guys so much you recorded it.

Now dont get me wrong hes a dickhead for going through your phone and pressuring you for sex. Neither of you seem muture enough to actually have a serious relationship.

This is gonna end in a messy break up

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LifeOfHex t1_iye16hw wrote

Nope, OP

Sorry but this ones on you, if you decide to date and "take someone seriously" especially things like that should be out the window. I feel like every relationship has it phase when you wonder about you SO phone and well if there isn't anything to hide why not.

Flip the script and TRY to see if you were being given a cold shoulder and once you think somethings up you find all these videos and images with other woman.

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Livid-Ad40 t1_iydydx6 wrote

He's immature and insecure.

You're not any better. Been with him 5 months but still have pics and vids? Aren't you to just a wonderful couple of fucking idiots.

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The_Cheese_Master t1_iyduzmn wrote

Wow, this is a lot to unpack. First question is why you still have that content on your phone? No judgement, just seems weird to me unless it's kept for self gratification or something?

Second, why is he going through your phone like that? Is it a trust issue, or do you have that kind of relationship where that isn't uncommon?

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commentator30 OP t1_iydwmua wrote

I genuinely didn’t keep them for self gratification. They were from a year ago so they were always in my hidden folder. We dated for one month in person, 3 months online, and this is the first time i’ve been with him since that one month IRL so it didn’t cross my mind that I had content I should delete in there because honestly I overlooked the fact that they were in there and that he could’ve stumbled across them .. I did think to delete all the photos and videos of my exes that were in my main photos folders. I just really didn’t think of the hidden folder.

also, it is highly uncommon in our relationship. he watched my password over my shoulder. I’ve never given him a reason to suspect I was doing anything and to the bottom of my heart I haven’t been engaged with anyone else or doing anything suspicious. It was so out of the blue. It made me feel like he went to my hidden folder for wank content for himself because I wasn’t giving him sex. he actually mentioned he “thought the hidden folder would have interesting pics of me” so… i’ve never gone through his phone, haven’t even asked for the password. the one time he did show me his camera roll he had a few photos of his ex but i didn’t mind. i trust him.. but he doesn’t feel the same i suppose.

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Malinyay t1_iyf0vk4 wrote

I get you OP! if I had videos like that I could definitely forget about them. I can forget pretty much everything.

I had a tie in my underwear drawer when my now husband came to visit for the first time. It was supposed to be a gift to my ex from my little sister (like 12 years old at the time) she gave it to me and I just put it away and forgot about it. that happened like 3 years before I even met my husband. Opened the drawer 1000 times after that without even noticing. But my husband found it instantly when he looked in the drawer and thought... I dunno, that I was secretly longing for my ex, saving little mementos or whatever.

Could have ended the relationship, I had no way to prove that it was how I said. Now that he knows me he also knows that I could definitely do something like that.

Is your relationship worth fighting for though? He sounds really lame? And if you don't want to have sex in 4 days that early in the relationship I'm not sure you're that into him unless you want even less sex later in the relationship.

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The_Cheese_Master t1_iydye40 wrote

That makes a lot of sense, I appreciate that clarification! Knowing that, it really makes me believe that he doesn't believe you or trust you. That was an honest mistake that he never should have seen to begin with.

He's sounding pretty manipulative here. "Oh, you fucked them, but you won't fuck me?" Kind of vibe, but I could be off base there. And the fact he went into your phone without permission, possibly for jerk off material.... I'm sorry you're going through that. It really sounds like a serious conversation around personal boundaries and expectations needs to happen.

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Smores_Graham t1_iye7ai0 wrote

Okay I think we can all agree Op sucks for keeping said old videos.

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE BF MORE?? this man is guilt tripping, emotional abusing op and isn't respecting op's boundaries about not wanting sex and keeps bugging them about it

PLUSS CAN WE PLEASE PAU ATTENTION TO THE PART WERE THE BOYFRIEND SEND OP'S VIDEOS TO HIMSELF WITHOUT PERMISSION ?????

sure op sounds like they might suck some but good fucking god how is everyone ignoring the Gigantic red flag of a guy this is???

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ShalS97 t1_iye3s5x wrote

The whole situation is weird. I don't think the issue here is you keeping the photos or videos (as some people are saying), although you should have deleted it, to show respect to your previous partners and to your new partner. But the fact that he snooped and saw this, sent the videos to himself (for what? That's really fucked up and not normal), and was guilt tripping you for sex are all major red flags.

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deathtoallants t1_iye3m9h wrote

Both of you guys look terrible in this story. Not really sure how to fix this. Doubt this relationship will be a long one though.

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ChickieD t1_iydzhfl wrote

Ew.

You’ve not known him long and he’s already snooping through your stuff. And now you’re asking how you can fix it.

This is a problem he created. At this stage of your relationship, of course there are things you don’t know about each other. Of course you have some things that are private.

I don’t think it matters (as some people are saying) why you kept those things. You kept them. They don’t involve him. He snooped to get your password, amd then he snooped to find the videos.

His image of you may have changed…..but again….that’s his own fault.

If you want to maintain the relationship, I think you need to explore both sides of this with him:

  1. you snooped

  2. I have old videos

Be prepared for him to ask that those be deleted. Change your password immediately. And if you use that same PW for other things, change those, too.

It makes me reallllly uncomfortable that someone so new in a relationship is snooping like he is.

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davidmacku t1_iye41da wrote

The exploration is true. He did snoop. And she has these videos of doing stuff she did not want to do with him. So they both have got some explaining to do. Is she really into him or not?

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thebooksqueen t1_iye20y5 wrote

There's an awful lot of comments here shaming you for having these videos when you have a partner. I don't see what the issue is. Presumably then, all the people who are against this, are also against watching p*rn?

I really don't understand what the problem is with a woman having recordings of her sexual past.

If he doesn't like it he can leave.

OP, it's 2022, go find yourself a man who doesn't see you as an object and understands that women will usually have had sex with other men before them.

I can't believe this is even still an issue. As if a woman only has worth if she's a virgin 🤦‍♀️

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thatoneguyfrom310 t1_iye389q wrote

Okay you're obviously living in some other world girl. Having videos of you getting fucked by your past partners in your phone is completely different from porn.

That is just straight disrespect. You're fucked in your head if you think that's okay.

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davidmacku t1_iye3rru wrote

That is not the point, she was really enthusiastic having sex with these exes and making porn tapes. And he gets the cold shoulder. Fuck that noise. They get the cool stuff while he is sat there holding a fucking phone.

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sharmrp72 t1_iye1vu9 wrote

He accessed private things of yours without regret and thinks you're at fault?

Nope. 🚩🚩🚩

He broke your trust, your boundaries and tried emotional manipulation.

I'd get rid.

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EzioKagura t1_iydxal4 wrote

Why would he view your phone while you were sleeping. I think that's kinda rude and disrespectful towards you. If it were me, as long as I'm not cheating with anyone. I would love to have a little privacy of my own. Especially when I'm asleep.

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