Miss my emotionally abusive, cheating ex. Would it really be so harmful to remain friends?

Submitted by IwishIcouldsaytohim t3_z96s10 in relationship_advice

I get I must seem like the ultimate dipshit rn. Please feel free to tell me that.

My (25F) ex (30M) is tremendous company sometimes. Genuinely never met anyone else who makes my sides split from laughing like he does, or who is interested in the world like I am. He can be deeply shitty, but it’s not just fake charm or love bombing that made me love him. On many levels we are great company to each other. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.

I don’t love him anymore. I don’t feel like I need him, or care about what he thinks of me like I used to. On top of his emotional abuse, I found out he cheated on me, with multiple women. One of whom he had a full blown affair with. He won’t admit it, but he got her pregnant while we still together and I believe they’re now raising the kid together. He claims it’s not his, and that he’s saving her from a dangerous situation by pretending to be the father 🙄

I know as I write this question, I’ve already answered it. He emailed me recently and we just talked about completely random shit. Nothing of consequence. I felt connected again. More and more I feel bored with my other friends. Our interests and lives are drifting apart. I don’t want to make new friends. I want to seek comfort from my old, best friend; my ex. Which is so ridiculously stupid. I can’t stop grieving who he was. Who he sometimes still is. I told him I’d stop emailing him. I regret it already. Would it really be so stupid to stay friends? How do I overcome this? My friend is right there and I can’t talk to him and it’s killing me. I get that a lot of who I thought he was is a lie, but he’s still someone I just want to hang out with. I miss us, I miss who I am around him. Please, any advice you have would be appreciated

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triaxisman t1_iyfa2z4 wrote

> I can’t stop grieving who he was. Who he somehow still is.

Stop lying to yourself. The real him is the shitty cheater, the person you miss is not real, it’s just the charm he puts on so you put up with the rest of his crap. Do not talk to him, as you’ll just get sucked in again. And you feeling connected, also that’s not connection, that’s you falling for his bullshit again.

Here’s an analogy that might help. You know how when you’re really hungry even a stale piece of bread taste amazing? But it’s not the bread that makes it taste good it’s that you’re starving. Same thing when you “love” an abuser. It may feel like you connect with them but in reality, it’s because in the relationship you were mostly starved for his attention, so now when you get it, it feels awesome. But it isn’t. It’s just a stale piece of bread that just seems that way. Google intermittent reward, loss aversion, and trauma bonding as those concepts are similar and they all explain why it’s so hard to break free from abusers. But really, I promise you, every abuser is just a crusty old stale piece of bread or else they wouldn’t abuse you in the first place.

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Vickorystix t1_iyfa5oz wrote

Friend. Read this whole post back to yourself, but as if a friend is asking you this question- like she wrote the post, not you. What would you tell your friend who you care about if she asked you this? I am your friend now. Don't open a door that should be closed. You are clearly hurting, and it's clouding your judgment. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy as a way to move forward. That way, you don't have to look back.

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IwishIcouldsaytohim OP t1_iyfazys wrote

Replying to triaxisman (#835,511)

Genuinely isn’t the love I miss anymore, it’s the company. I talk to my friends and I feel so bored. I don’t have anything in common with them, they don’t care about anything I care about. I find finding people I like to be so challenging, and it just feels so much easier to hang out with him. I’m really not trauma bound any more, though I know I was

Thank you for you comment though. You’re right that I shouldn’t go back

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WeaselWeaz t1_iyfct5g wrote

Yes, it's a horrible idea. You're holding onto a version of your relationship that is dead. You're not making connections with your current or new friends because you're holding onto him. You're keeping yourself stuck in the past and putting an idealized version of him on a pedestal. You need to cut him off and move on. Consider therapy if that's an option.

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triaxisman t1_iyfdmps wrote

Replying to IwishIcouldsaytohim (#836,050)

So you’re lonely, and instead of continuing to look for friends you can connect with you want to talk to someone you openly acknowledge was emotionally abusive? That’s better? Sorry, ngl, that sounds like you’re rationalizing reasons to just start things up again. I mean you can talk to him if you want, but I can’t imagine that working out well for you in the long run. Most likely he’ll get emotionally abusive again, you’ll have to reheal and then you’ve wasted more time on him that you could have spent trying to find people you do connect with that aren’t abusive.

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