Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

So... If someone tells you about a thing that was painful for them to go through your reaction is "eugh gross"? No wonder they feel the need to defend themselves, I'd feel attacked if I was trying to be vulnerable with a guy I like and this was his reaction.

Also just because you know something is wrong doesn't mean it's easy to leave. And "I would never do that" great, congrats, they are not you tho. And you judging them by things they regret is not helping.

There’s a key distinction here. I don’t care about the actual thing.

I care about when they tell me how terrible and bad and gross it was and then talk about the situation/person fondly later. And, somewhat unrelated, also I care about hearing about how a person used sex as a tool.

I'm confused, you say you care about them, don't care about the thing that happened. But you are still judging them over that thing?

If someone tells me something that’s painful for them, I’m not judging them for that. In fact, I want them to be able to tell me things like that and I don’t have a problem hearing it and being comforting. Or if they stayed. I know relationships are not logical, especially toxic ones and trauma bonds.

I’m judging talking about it fondly, as a complete 180.

I’m judging if they tell me how terrible it was and then later are bringing them up as jokes or things like going from “he used me and pretended he wanted something” to “he’s like a macys model, we fucked for 2 hours straight” to “yeah we talk in class all the time” or it goes from “he burned me so bad” to “I didn’t think it was necessary for me to tell him we’re dating if we’re still talking”. Or “he was cheating with me on his gf and when they broke up I kept fucking him”

I think what you're getting at is that you don't understand how someone would go back to a person who treated them like shit.

What typically happens is that people remember the good stuff and block out the bad shit that happened. It's usually a self worth or self esteem issue.

If they joke about it it might be just them trying to get over it themselves. Like convincing themselves it was not that serious and that they are OK now.

And if them keeping in contact bothers you you should ask why they are keeping them in their lives.

Yes exactly, I understand it being a self worth issue. And no judgement to that, everyone is prone to it. Again, relationships/flings/etc. are not logical and can not be rationalized as a such.

But recognizing that it was so bad and so low and then just bringing it up later in a very fond light, especially repeatedly is just a lot for me.

I don't understand why they are telling you this shit. In any relationship I've had no one has ever gone into that level.of detail. The most graphic share has been that they weren't fond of doggy style as a previous partner pretty much only did that one position as they liked to be dominant

So is the thing you’re not ok with is that they’re talking fondly about exes and cheating. Bc that’s gross.

YES THIS!

As a woman personally I would feel exactly the same. Its a very off-putting thing to hear, even if they're joking about it as a defence mechanism it is unattractive. And them still being in contact is not necessarily their fault if they have class together, but them being friends is not great. "Why tf would they still hang around someone who treated them like total shit?" Is a valid question. You're finding it difficult to respect her because she does not respect herself and it shows. And I'm not putting blame on her, it's just how things often come to be after an abusive relationship

Women are conditioned to forgive and/or forget, choose the path of least resistance, and to accept being treated with disrespect (because it is far far easier to rationalise and justify being treated poorly, do it enough and its hard to think any other way). This girl realises what her ex did was wrong and awful, but has internalised whatever concept required to still be friends with this guy (ie it was her fault, he's just a dick what do we expect, he's changed, i just don't care anymore/it's in the past etc etc). She obviously is not over it bc she has brought it up, but is dealing with it in a way that she can emotionally distance herself enough to carry on with life. This is obviously all my speculation, don't know her etc but yeah, that's my perspective.

It's not unreasonable at all to address it with her too, personally I think straight up asking "why is it you want to be friends with someone who was so horrible to you" is an option. Its valid to be uncomfortable with your partner being friends with their abuser ex, even if just out of concern for them (which is perhaps a good start to approaching it with her)

(Also its not misogynistic to not like hearing about your gfs abuse over and over, especially in this sort of way where its kind of a joke youre expected to go along with. It would be misogynistic if you looked down on her for being abused in the first place, which you're not)