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goodbye-toilet-cat t1_iyesnm2 wrote

The silent treatment is not good, but when you say you broke the ceramic, didn’t clean it up all the way, and she noticed and got mad….

But then you say she gave you the silent treatment and wouldn’t tell you what’s wrong - you knew what was wrong, you apologized for what was wrong (which suggests there was some conversation back and forth), why did you need her to spell it out again? Is she just refusing to rehash conversations already had and closed?

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[deleted] OP t1_iyeudvl wrote

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goodbye-toilet-cat t1_iyeuoj8 wrote

Ok this sounds like a couples counseling situation, she has a short fuse and takes it out on you and that understandably is frustrating for you and resentments are simmering on both sides.

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iyetg19 wrote

What she is doing is called stonewalling, and it is one of the main reasons for toxic relationships. Tell her you want to go to couples therapy because you are hurt by the silent treatments.

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[deleted] OP t1_iyeurp8 wrote

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iyevjh4 wrote

You seem aversive to the term toxic. I can say what she is doing is "hurtful" and "unproductive" instead then?

That's great your relationship is otherwise good, but you want to fix this specific thing.

Counseling provides tools for couples to be stronger. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship or is a last ditch attempt. Even some healthy couples I know go to counseling once in awhile to make sure everything is going well.

Check out this article at least if you want to work on it on your own: https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/

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[deleted] OP t1_iyevw9u wrote

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ExpressingThoughts t1_iyewzyf wrote

I'm glad! If you are worried she may not be receptive, you can phrase it as getting more tools to help your relationship and each other as you are both going through a stressful time.

If you can't afford it, read up on how to request changes in a relationship. A good statement to use when she is in a good mood is this: "I want to talk about what happened the other day. I understand that you were upset that there were shards on the carpet, and I feel horrible for that. I will be more careful next time. However, I also felt sad and scared when you didn't respond to me out of your anger. I would like us both to still be there and present with each other even when we are angry. It is called stonewalling. Can we read about it and talk ideas on how we can do that?"

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JFC_ucantbeserious t1_iyess6m wrote

Have you ever talked with her about this at a time when she’s NOT upset?

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[deleted] OP t1_iyeukf6 wrote

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Sad_Entertainer6312 t1_iyewxo7 wrote

That's not a good solution. You guys need to go to marriage counseling and learn how to communicate with one another.

The silent treatment or stonewalling is a very serious form of emotional abuse, and you shouldn't tolerate it. She's basically punishing you like a child for something you did (by withdrawing her attention and affection), instead of talking about the issue like an adult.

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Uglynkdguy t1_iyf58x3 wrote

She sounds toxic and abusive, it feels lile she uses it more to punish you rather than dealing with her feelings

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