Stealthed and Confused

Submitted by [deleted] t3_z93gpr in relationship_advice

I (33F) just discovered the term stealthing after it happened to me. A guy (30M) I’d been seeing for a few weeks and I decided to have sex. We had done so once before where I asked him to use a condom and he never finished that time (I now guess because of the condom). This previous time I again asked him to put on a condom. When he flipped me over for doggy, he took the condom off. I did not realize until he came on my back. I was in shock in the moment and didn’t really get mad, but just asked him if he was STD free, when the last time he got tested was, and if he’s sure he pulled out in time.

This guy had been 100% perfect until this. Always a gentleman in every way - walking me everywhere, waiting up to make sure I get home ok even though I’m an hour drive away, never lying and just telling me what I wanted ti hear when I asked him hard questions (l asked him if he was looking for anything serious and he said he doesn’t know; I feel like a lot of guys have told me yes before when they actually weren’t just to get in my pants), etc.

Is this one stealthing incident a dealbreaker? Or am I being too harsh? I mean, it had never happened to me before, but I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a great feeling - I feel like I made a decision to want to have safe sex and he took that decision making power away from me by doing sex the way he wanted and not what I wanted

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nothingclever4now t1_iyetrw6 wrote

He violated your consent and put you at risk for STDs and pregnancy. That would be a deal breaker for me. That's a really big violation. Truly.

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[deleted] OP t1_iyeu7mk wrote

Thank you ❤️ I needed this. I’m just having a hard time processing since he seemed like a perfect gentleman otherwise

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Lexotron t1_iyeudn7 wrote

Stealthing is a form of sexual assault and is illegal in many places. Not only that, but he came on your back.

He performed two sex acts on you without your consent. You should be calling the police, not debating whether to call him back.

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goatsnoatsonboats t1_iyeuefx wrote

Talking as a guy I think it's absolutely wrong to "stealth" someone. I also have a very hard time finishing while wearing a condom, it isnt that hard to say "hey I can't cum with a condom on is it ok if I take it off and pull out?" in which the answer has 99% of the time been yes. When the answer is no I just keep the damn thing on.

Doing something sexual to someone without their consent is a huge deal and it's kind of rapey to bait and switch with a condom like that and risking potential STD/pregnancy without approval just shows that he doesn't really consider your feelings and is a breach of trust.

This would be the same as a girl lying about being on birth control which to me would be a deal breaker.

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Lexotron t1_iyeuj35 wrote

It's not rapey, it's rape.

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goatsnoatsonboats t1_iyevg64 wrote

Just out of curiosity if a girl lies about being on birth control to coax a guy into having unprotected sex is that rape?

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Lexotron t1_iyewydw wrote

Not sure about that one. It's definitely fraud.

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nashamagirl99 t1_iyfbmgn wrote

Yeah, it’s a dealbreaker. You need to be able to trust someone with your body.

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DanInBham1 t1_iyf2ir2 wrote

In the US this is illegal in many (if not most) places. This is sexual assault. I hope that’s a dealbreaker for you, but that’s really your decision. I hope you pursue some legal recourse because he could do this to someone else.

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