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amaleki2 t1_iybpjx3 wrote

Human touch is a basic human need and if you're in monogamous relationship, he is the only person who can provide that .

If he is not capable of understanding that, or willing to come up with a reasonable plan, then you only have one choice: dumping his ass off.

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MasterOfTriad t1_iydju58 wrote

My ex was that way, married 13 years, she didn't pay me the time of day... I begged her for councling eventually after begging for affection, for a guy I an the affectionate type... and I eventually left her, I miss it of course I do, hopefully he accepts councling and you can move on from it.

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sugarmag13 t1_iybo34s wrote

Couples counseling?

Eventually you are going to seek it elsewhere

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iycmrem wrote

I’m not the cheating type so I’ll def just sink in a depression hole before I ever seek it else where.. we talked about counseling but don’t know when we could even do that with our with schedules.

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sugarmag13 t1_iydndu1 wrote

So, you'll stay lonely and miserable forever?

I wasnt necessarily talking about cheating. I was talking about leaving and finding happiness again.

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IdeaEven2648 t1_iydpqtg wrote

what's the point of being so moral ? he doesn't want it from you, you need to consider that he may already be getting it from someone else. your happiness matters, definitely matters more than someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve.

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CobainTrain t1_iyeym2c wrote

Because grown ups in monogamous relationships know better than to sink to somebody else’s level.

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Standard-Actuator-27 t1_iybgw82 wrote

What would make you desire me? To kiss me unprovoked? To make out? To hug me? To hold me tight?

Are you tired? Stressed? Unhappy? Is there something I can do for you? Is there something wrong with us? Are you desiring something else? Are you bored? What do you most desire?

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iycmvio wrote

I’ve asked all of these questions before but he just gets annoyed and thinks I’m nagging

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Standard-Actuator-27 t1_iycw6st wrote

What are his answers?

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iycx7ft wrote

He doesn’t think anything is wrong with us.. he truly doesn’t understand… but that’s cuz he gets all his needs met so he thinks everything is okay.. he’s not trying to see my pov.. it’s a one way marriage..

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Standard-Actuator-27 t1_iyd17gu wrote

I asked you very specific questions and you didn’t show me his response. For instance, why won’t you kiss me unprovoked.

Sure, your reply makes sense to my second set of questions. What are the answers to my first set. You need to ask him very specific questions targeting your needs and wants if they aren’t being met. Don’t ask him his feelings bc he doesn’t care for that conversation. Be logical and specific with him.

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iyd1yzw wrote

I am very specific with him.. I’m a very good communicator.. but he just brushes my questions off or just says he’s tired or that he’s a grown man, he doesn’t feel the need to kiss anymore or hug me.. he says he’s changed, that he’s a grown ass man now and when we got married he was young

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Standard-Actuator-27 t1_iyd49z0 wrote

I’m a grown ass women that needs a grown man to hold me tight and kiss me. Are you the man that’s going to do it? I’m a grown women with grown woman needs. Be a grown man and honor your responsibilities to me. What are your needs and I’ll do likewise.

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clardimensionika t1_iyd3xe3 wrote

Sounds like he has some ideals that root in toxic masculinity and the belief that as a grown man he doesn't need physical comfort anymore. Might be that he's hurting or withholding as well but sadly that doesn't mean he will change his attitude or opinions. I'd recommend to think of yourself first and if you don't get what you need, don't bet that he will change, get out. You're still young and don't deserve to be this empty.

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treacle1810 t1_iyd5xvf wrote

he’s checked out and doesn’t even know it. you need couples therapy asap you need to make time for it.

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Mysterious-Tune-244 t1_iydlep2 wrote

Life is too short to spend it miserably. If you've exhausted all options and reasonable attempts at communication I would separate, spend some time apart, and then divorce if that isn't enough for him to take you seriously.

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Comfortable-Ad-2223 t1_iydaslj wrote

As time passes by, men can start having problems with their "thingy" It happens more that we know because they are rarely let the partner know and prefer to keep their distance out of embarrassment

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RawPeanut99 t1_iye903q wrote

The man is 34, not very likely. More that he is asexual or fell out of love and doesn't want to confront that.

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RazorRazzleberry t1_iyd5kte wrote

I want to start by giving you a healthy clap for maintaining your monogamous focus. Now with that being said have you evaluated why he may have just stopped.

Here are a few questions to consider:

  • When you tell him are you passive aggressive?

  • How often have you turned down his sexual advances? (Don't rationalize just answer the question in your head.)

  • Am I healthy (fit) and working on moving daily for your own physical well-being?

  • Where does he rank in my order of importance?

-How often per day do I complain about the area in his life he needs to fix?

  • What is the most important reason he wants to come home?

  • Does he work a physically or mentally exhausting job?

  • Are you in counciling for an outlet?

  • Did he romance you heavily when you were dating?

  • Does he work significant hours helping with bills and financial needs of your family?

You've likely read the 5 love languages. But you need to find out why his love tank is empty? You can't get gas from an empty gas tank.

Find out when his heart turned to cold. Because it's cold as ice. I don't know your story but you do. You need to pause your feelings and methodically analyze what happened and make time to feed his tank.

Men don't withdraw from relationships easily if they are invested. Most times we a poured a glass of drama, do-this-now, passive-aggressive, not good enough, change-to-be-more-like-my-imagination, and despair so much our heart dies. We see our selves as machines for fixing and producing for your happiness. We feel like we are only machines. Machines have no heart. and machines are cold in the winter.

This is how men FEEL when women turn off their love and admiration. When we fail constanly in making a women they would die for happy.

You cant expect a broken table to dirty table in shine unless you wax and repair it. Take the first step. Overtime he will follow.

Good luck.

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Ed2Cute t1_iybi8uk wrote

Classic behavior of someone who's cheating. Be careful.

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WalkingTombst0ne t1_iycedrd wrote

There could be other factors like excessive weight gain, poor hygiene,etc. We need more info here.

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Ed2Cute t1_iycf3en wrote

What OP doesn't say is as important as what they say. And they didn't say their partner seemed disgusted by them. OP said he gets annoyed by her trying to talk about it.

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WalkingTombst0ne t1_iycf7ch wrote

Maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feeling.

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Ed2Cute t1_iycgejv wrote

It's a possibility, but I think it's unlikely since he doesn't seem to be putting up a lot of effort to be considerate of her feelings. Imo, the behavior is more congruent with someone who's begun cheating and so expends their emotional efforts on that person.

If it were something particular that OP were doing, it's my reasoning she would mention that he chastised her about it or that she has some level of insecurity about it and, as such, might be worried it is the cause.

Though one factor she might be overlooking is age. Men and women experience opposite social effects when aging. Women become less desirable, in general, as they become less fertile and looks start to deteriorate. Men, however, become more desirable as they mature since they're seen as more wise and stable as a provider. And that could be a reason he cheats is because he found a younger woman. Happens very often.

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iycnea0 wrote

Also, I’m a Hispanic women.. we don’t age the same as other women lol I get confused for a teen mom all the time.

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WalkingTombst0ne t1_iych661 wrote

I agree with the attraction, desirability, and stability part of how the sexes age differently. But, I just don't always jump to "they must be cheating" whenever there's a problem. I know this sub does. Every fucking person not getting along here is cheating according to this sub. But, this sub is dominated by young people without much experience so they go for the easy answer instead of thinking deeper since they haven't had a lot of relationship experience.

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Ed2Cute t1_iyche6s wrote

Yeah that's very true. I generally don't jump to cheating. I'll typically call out the OP for their fair share of the problem. But in this case, it seems like she's willing to put effort into the relationship and he's being very distant. I'm open to being wrong, but it's my interpretation of the situation.

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SleepyMomLyfe t1_iycn67p wrote

Def not weight gain or hygiene., im 5’2 120lbs .. very clean, 2 showers a day, brush night and day. This is not the problem.. he’s also very honest so if I did ever stink or get chubby he would point it out.

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barre0423 t1_iyddsj0 wrote

What everyone is saying here is valid, but I have an add from a love language perspective too, but as a woman.

I'm going to hazzard a guess that physical touch is low on his love language list. When I test out, it's below 10% for me - and I have extremely high sex drive. But I DO NOT crave the small touches. So I like them, sure. But I don't need or crave them so I have to be reminded to give them to another. Sounds like your husband could be like me, but doesn't seem to care to adapt to your language for some reason. There's no compromise happening. You've got to find a way to meet in the middle. You need more PT to be "shown" love he needs another way.

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Judgemental_Ass t1_iyef5lr wrote

Tell him that you need it and that if he can't deliver, he should step aside and let someone else try.

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Top_Alfalfa_2257 t1_iydec8t wrote

That is such a hard place to be, the one and only person on this planet that is allowed to touch you and give you that validation that you ache for in your very core. Can you tell I've been there, you need to make the time for counseling. If you can't see a way or you can't find anything that you can drop from your schedule. Then just get a divorce now before you guys hate each other to the point of it becoming bitter. There are video options available. If you SO isn't receptive and won't put the effort into counseling. See my comment about getting divorce. If you have kids you are teaching them what to expect and what to do in relationships. Even if you think they don't know about any of it. They are watching how you interact with your SO and will subconsciously use that as their benchmark for behavior. Daughters will be accepting of that treatment and sons will see his treatment as par for the course. If not for you do it for your kids. Secondly you deserve to have your needs met. You are important and worthy. You are strong and capable. Even if he won't do any kind of counseling with you. You need to get therapy on your own. It will help you learn how to validate yourself and give you the confidence to work on yourself and find your happiness without needing someone else. Hugs sorry for the novel. You got this sister!!!

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Theonlymax1212 t1_iyf9z57 wrote

Your only 32 OP divorce him and find someone who can give you the love and affection you need!!

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maeh0n3y t1_iye5afo wrote

he is not a man who should be in a relationship. ever. leave him and find someone who will at least cuddle you.. how can someone live without that forever?

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Hossamicc t1_iyehye1 wrote

In your 30s he and no even kisses then how would it be at 60s!! I think this is a miserable life for you

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Few_Pain_23 t1_iyeycpd wrote

Don’t mean to discourage you! Just help. I’d like you to eliminate one terrible possibility. That he’s a true narcissist and NOT fixable. There are more out there that you’d believe. Watch some YouTube videos on the subject. Dr. Ramani is among the best. I was married to one for forty+ years and tried and tried and failed to fix my marriage. Just getting some distance has made my life better. Life short! Don’t just work on the relationship harder by yourself. I did and wasted decades. Don’t copy me.

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