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Sorry in advance, don’t mean to sound facetious.

But what did you expect, y’all got together since right after high school. People need to be alone (not attached) to grow as a human being and y’all skipped that. When a person has lived enough life, understood their place in the world, fulfilled validation gaps, only then do they truly commit and its not even a choice to commit. Its more like a been there done that type of mentality. They’ve scratched all their itches.

Where I understand your point here, it is still crossing a line. I completely agree that people need to experience enough of life to know what they want and to be emotionally mature.

What I would be asking myself is after boot camp after these experiences, did she choose you and have there not been other indiscretions? Or has this been going on the entire time when you were deployed or at an ftx or a school for periods of time.

I am also in the military and unfortunately this is an extremely common problem across all ages and genders when one partner serves and the other doesn't. I personally would be more concerned about recent transgressions than what happened 10 years ago if youre happy. But If it's a common theme, I'd be out in a heartbeat.

Not gonna lie I just ended it with my fiance because I couldn't trust her that she would be faithful next time I deploy or go to ranger or anything like that. This is a hard one my guy but take your time to think it out.

10 years ago is too long.... Can't blame her for that stuff now

Why not? He couldn't have blamed her sooner because ...drumroll... he didn't know.

I think your gut instinct is telling you that more went on than what she has admitted to, and you're probably right. The trust has been broken and you can't even hope to restore things if the whole truth has not come out.

I think you need to decide what is right for you, and give yourself a bit of space to process things before then. Some relationships never heal from cheating. I know you mention stuff like family, but staying with someone just because they come with a family is a bad idea. You need to judge this relationship by its merits (and by its own merits-only).

You have been betrayed. It doesn't matter if it happened a long time ago, it took up until now for her to confess. I wonder why she's suddenly telling you now (perhaps an old flame threatened to tell all)? I would go get yourself tested for STD's.

Joking?

Don't let some people tell you otherwise... It's ok for you to have cheating as a deal breaker... Whether it was from 5 or 10 years ago... The fact of the matter is she cheated. Now there are many reasons as to what she could have gone through, in order to cheat on you... You married young, she didn't have experience, you were away etc. None of these reasons absolves her cheating. Get a good divorce lawyer, cut your losses and move on with your life

How did you find out about it? Also yes, if I calculate properly you are together since you were 13. Now on one hand it's hard to imagine such relationship lasting without one side getting interested in "exploration". However she didn't break up with you to explote neither did she tell you afterwards. Therefore yes if she lied and hid this there is probably more dead bodies in the closet. This is also why how much time has passed doesn't change anything, cause you can't really trust her now, can you?

I don't think the std thing is currently an issue but everything else you said yea. I've been as spaced as I could. Not sure if it will heal cuz we've been together since middle school and its like we grew up together.Then It's like she went from "wife" to "someone else" almost instantly.

He absolutely can and should... By confessing now, instead of 10 years back, she consciously took away his choice to take an informed decision back then, and continued this fake marriage, where everything was happy and joyful, while rugsweeping her cheating

"Sorry, I don't think we are on the same page regarding marriage, we don't see each other so much anymore, I'm terribly lonely and feel like we've married young. I would suggest a period of seperation, and we'll see what we go from there"

The key to any good marriage is communication. Instead of communicating her feelings... She took the easy way out and cheated, while he was way on bootcamp. She might have married young, and might have been lonely. But she did take her husband for granted, and cheated on him... She also hid the fact from him, for 10 years and took away the choice he had to make an informed decision for all these years. Nothing about her, in this arc of a story, makes her seem like a good person...

I've always had suspicions about later incidents. But this one was before what I thought. And in bootcamp. It's like I was proven wrong by the Marine Corps. Because they literally warned all of us about this shit lmao. I feel like an idiot for being so wrong on that.

I think deep down you know she isn’t the one you want to start a family with. How can you trust her if she loved you? What do you think she would do when she hates you ?

Also, not condoning cheating by any means. I just think of it as an unevolved thing to do.

we married at 28 btw. If that changes anything. I just put it in the post

At least you don't have children, this would be nightmare. Have you thought what are you going to do?

How did you find out?

Did she lie to you previously?

Why would you think this was the only betrayal?

How sorry is she and what is she doing to make it up to you?

Take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself.

If she's supporting you, don't make a decision until you finish getting your degree.

and don't get her pregnant.

Move on with your life... You'll be alright

You're in the military, you'll cheat on each other plenty of more times.

I've been out for 7 years and no I didn't

There's a good chance she's minimizing and trickle truthing(not telling you entire truth)

If your gut is telling there's more than that's probably true. Whatever you decide, be it reconciliation or divorce, decide it with a clear head. While on it, do check out r/SupportforBetrayed. It has helpful recovery resources that you need

Best of luck OP

I know oh my god. Well I'm in a masters program so I'm doing well with that. And a friend who can help me out if I decide to move out.

I'm just processing because it's a big deal. And I don't want to make rash decisions

You are right to want to proceed slowly. Should you plan divorce you should contact lawyer asap. Another thing is I imagine your wife will make attempts to sweet talk you back. Btw was it her that you finally got this information from? I ask not just to pry, but because I want to know if it's a confirmed thing.

yea

Unfortunately its pretty common for military wives/girlfriends to get a sportcoat while their guys are away. If she is willing to cross that boundary once, she more than likely has or will cross it again considering she crossed it when you were just gone for some time. I personally would not be able to trust that she wouldnt run into some dudes arms every time you get into a little argument, or if she gets stressed out. Whatever you do, dont regret your time with her, the person you are today for good or bad was made through the choices you made, and now you have the choice to keep improving yourself. Do what your gut tells you though.

you gut is probably right but i wouldn’t rush into anything. take you time deciding what’s right for you. but do see a lawyer to see where you stand with that.

Given how long she was able to lie about this, and your gut feeling throughout, I hope you realize that in all reality she has cheated you much more than she’s ever admitted. Even if she didn’t this is reason enough to reconsider, and if it was me, end the relationship.

Don’t buy into the sunken cost fallacy which it sounds like you’re potentially doing. It’s a hell of a lot easier to divorce at a year than ten years in. If you’re within 1 calendar year I think you can even file an annulment.

Hey there, fellow service member here. Get your finances squared away ASAP. Take whatever you can and sequester it in a personal account. Collect any and all evidence of her infidelity. Do not succumb to rage or anything dumb because 9/10 times it’s your word against hers and that won’t end well for you. Go talk to legal, make sure everything you have is super tight and then serve her with divorce paperwork. She is a cheater and will not change. Do not get caught in the trap of trying to change her, she won’t. Finally, and this is important, talk to your first Sgt and make sure your work knows what’s happening, if she’s crazy she might seek revenge by calling your command and accusing you of cheating or any number of things that could ruin your career. Be precise and focus on getting things square and you will be fine.

Well, one of you did! So the military stereotype holds true. Congratulations.

I am sorry that this has happened to you, be sure you get yourself into therapy if you can. This is a difficult situation, just realize you are you and there is plenty of time to find someone who will be devoted to you and love you deeply.

Good luck and be above all, be gentle to yourself.

Sry to wat happened to u and cheating is cheating I would separate from my gf if I was u but am not and u can make ur choice but do remember u r young u can still find love and loyalty. Hope things go well for u.

Ps,,,,just my curiosity is ur name a current one if so good one

What kind of nonsense is this? The fact that it was 10 years ago is completely immaterial - he just found out now. Having hidden it honestly makes it worse; he will now second guess many many aspects of their relationship - the times she was unexpectedly home late, slow to return calls etc. She cheated and lied - there's no statute of limitations on that.

personally? id never be able to trust her again.id leave.

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If someone killed your mom 10 years ago would you use that same logic if you found out today?

U confronted ur wife ?

Do you have any of those suspicions when you deploy? Would you be able to trust her during any future deployments?

Stay strong and move on

Would you have married her if you knew the truth? This is grounds for annulment in some states!

divorce. that's why getting married while you are young in the military is the stupidest thing you could do

Doesn’t every branch warn the folks in bootcamp this will happen?

God dammit man. Look, I know you can “fall in love” and shit like that... but please know that we aren’t as special as we think we are in regards to general warnings like this... ofc people fuck and cheat in barracks. Why would you even bother????? Don’t answer that

luckily I'm long gone from the military.

I got married well after I got out. To specifically avoid this shit.

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Thanks my dude

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It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust. Can you forgive her for this and trust her again? That's the question. If not then don't stick around or it will kill you every day.

I had a relationship just like that. Together since school, high school sweethearts, all that. 4 years later I have a new finance, life is great, and this relationship is a million times stronger than that one ever was. Don't convince yourself you'll never move on. You will.

Oh snap, congratulations! Everything I said, do that but the civilian version lol.

Updateme!

Damn Jody....

You were lite on the details, so either this was a one off when you were separated (by boot) and she was 18, and since then you two have built a life together. Or she's cheated a lot.

If it is the first one, take some time. Keep staying at your friend's for a bit. You need to process. And figure out if this is a "ok, she was young and foolish but it has been 10 uears and she's a different person now" or is this "I will never be able to move past this"

Keep the idea of forgiveness as an option.

You can also try a reconciliation and if it doesn't work, still get a divorce

Bit of a shit human being, aren't you?

shitty situation but I would divorce her ASAP before you graduate and your earning potential goes way up.

Tbh, i feel cheaters should be locked up behind the bars. I have really low and unkind opinion of them. On the bright side - you’re still young - not even in 30s. You can find a good wife to spend rest of your life with - and there is plenty of beautiful time ahead

Life is not about scratching all itches. Your entire approach is incorrect- but sadly seems to be common lately. But that doesn’t make it right

I can attest to this- as a military wife ( well, used to be ..my husband's been out for a decade) I married at 18 and he deployed 4 months later. I was a member of the FRG and they would hold "meetings" in clubs and bars. Not all of them but a fair amount. Referred to themselves as geographical Bachelorettes.. like no shit. I did not attend the club meetings ( a lot of 21 and older spots) but damn did they cheat. And none of them seem to think it was a problem. Weird ass mentality

I would suggest a trial separation and during that time try marriage counseling. Repairing trust after infidelity is possible, but it takes time a lot of hard work. After 10 years together it might be worth it to explore whether or not there is a chance to save your marriage.

Also, I am curious, how did you find out about this?

You guys don’t have any kids together. You married her long after you got out of the military and being unemployed she won’t get anything out from you.

So save yourself a lifetime of misery and go see a lawyer to file for divorce. Focus on yourself and school, maybe get into some counseling, and when you feel ready, then you can start dating again

I think it's difficult to say without more information. My question is do you feel like you could forgive her? She's not the same person she was 10 years ago. Are you in love with and happy with the person she is? Do you think it's possible she'd ever do it again? People do dumb shit when they're young. They usually spread it out amongst a few partners, but y'all never had a chance to make mistakes with anyone else.

It all comes down to how you feel about if you can forgive and move on or not. And that's a really tough question.

So why now? Why did she confess now?

am i blind or someting?

were are the part were she cheated on you? lied yeah but cheating?

Anyone who leaves their girlfriend to go play army deserves what he gets in my opinion.

Yeah sure, I probably am. Empathy is not a response to elicit for people playing a victim.

Yeah I mean it's lite on details for a reason. Still just processing. But you're right I need to just keep processing and keep forgiveness as an option. She insists pretty strongly its the first option

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I think you need to proof read what you wrote because it’s missing a chunk of the story

I feel for you brother. Turns out one of the foundational blocks you had relied upon has crumbled.

Good luck to you whatever happens.

So, she cheated on you 10 years ago and has chosen to lie about it every day for the last decade. I highly doubt the whole truth has come out now.

Why would you want to be with someone who would do that?

Take care of yourself and put yourself first.

Wait, a little unclear. What evidence do you have that she cheated while you were in bootcamp?

I never said life is about scratching all itches. In fact, I absolutely did not say that nor do I respect someone who does that on purpose. You mistook everything I said. I’m describing what is going on in the mind of people who cheat. If someone cheats on me, it won’t hurt me or make me angry, I’ll instead become unattracted because I’ll think of them as predictable and underdeveloped. They’re like experimental mice, I couldn’t be in awe of someone who has these all too human urges. Cheaters don’t even consciously know they are “scratching an itch”. They have a gaping hole that is the need for validation. Once that is resolved; that hole is filled and their purpose in life becomes something above those human urges. I’m not saying that people should actively fill that hole. That might not even be possible to fill on purpose. I’m saying that those who don’t feel an urge to cheat or seek attention have those holes filled for some reason that they can’t pinpoint but I think of it as having been through enough of everything for it to not be a life mission anymore. Maybe its a point where the person truly KNOWS their inner selves. Like a true contentedness. Then they can truly function beyond what they were and grow more as a human being.

People easily and emotionally downvote on here especially before truly understanding a person’s point but I don’t really care about that. People do come to see these things on their own once they can see the big picture outlook and compartmentalize their emotions from their reasoning skill.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been collected, calculated, and observant. It is a natural habit of mine to analyze the inner workings of people and what makes them do what they do. So all of whatever I’ve said is simply an analysis, not an approval of that behavior. I literally think of those people as primitive and unevolved, but I don’t think they’re bad people, thats way too black and white, only that they have some more developing and self reflection to do. But of course, anyone who thinks black and white like that can’t and straight up won’t see what I’m saying. But the benefit of seeing the world through a rational lens is that you become less pessimistic and can truly enjoy the beauty of it. You’re not bogged down by reactions and emotions.

You might even have the urge to remain in disagreement despite a possibility that you might agree. Thats a human urge and I hope you don’t fall victim to that. If not, I’d be ecstatic to have a proper discussion without resorting to defensiveness.

Maybe take your friend up on the offer to get some space to decompress and think. It must be hard being in the same house with her even if you are sleeping in the couch.

Also, if you decide to stay in your home, she should take the couch and you get the bed. It’s her fuck up after all.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

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That's Jody's girl, not yours.

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> keep forgiveness as an option.

Sorry but forgiveness is never an option for cheaters.

If she's cheated on you then you need to get tested. Some STD's like chlamydia can show no symptoms for years on end and left untreated, can cause infertility in both men and women alike.

Hmm when a cheater admits to it, they’re usually leaving the worst bits out 99% of the time, you’ll never get the full truth. They’re pathetic cowards. Your best bet is to divorce her and never speak to her again. The cheating could have happened 50 years ago, doesn’t matter how much time has passed. Betrayal is betrayal and since it happened 10 years ago and you only found out now, you spent 10 years in a relationship based on a lie. How does that make you feel?

Sorry, man. You'll never be able to trust a cheater again, and they'll know they can cheat again, if forgiven

How did you find out? How did she react when you confronted her?

Thank you! I must have read the damn OP 10 times and I don't see where he says she actually cheated.

Where's that part of the story, /u/myWholeWifeIsaLie ??

I could have missed it but I don't think so..

marriage is over

you can forgive but trust won't come back, you'll have to think that a woman who lied for years isn't cheating on you now or a year from now

I don't think it's worth it, but there are those who catch it 2/3/15 times and say she's my wife.

You decide which group you will be in.

This would most definitely be the end of the relationship for me. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. Actually, the fact that she could live with herself after doing that to you & keep it a secret for so long makes it even more disgusting.

I feel for you, especially when you wrote about wasting so much time in your room talking to her.. devoting all your time to her while she was betraying you. Been there, unfortunately.

Please leave her, you'll find someone so much better.

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what in god’s holy name are you blathering about

Hey, if you don’t want to read it, don’t, just scroll past to something else more appealing to your eyes. No need to be rude.

I guess OP that the telling part in whether there is something that can be recovered from this is what your mindset is now.

That you have gone from seeing and thinking and feeling about her as your wife, to not is probably the most salient thing about this story. At this stage then the only thing you really can do (short of all the logistics about divorce, etc) is to address this one thing.

Can you see yourself ever falling back in love with her knowing what you know now.

For you, that is the number 1 question you have to ask yourself. Granted that if you asked right now we all know what your answer will be ("hell no" is probably it) and that's ok. However now is not the right time to ask this of yourself.

The best time to ask yourself this is once the emotions die down and the anger subsides. Give yourself a break from her for a few weeks/couple of months and then ask yourself this question.

And then depending on what your answer is then make your decision.

Doing this will mean that you won't have any regrets when the time comes to go either towards divorce or towards reconciliation.

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I had a very similar incident happen.... and I was told to stick it out and move on because it was "in the past". No, that's not OK advice at all. It still hurts, it still happened even if it was years ago and we were much younger and much less mature (extremely immature on his part). I questioned everything in the last 10 years when I found out. To the point that it was in past is a thing but then what else? 100% honesty needed moving on from here no matter which way you go

I would suggest taking some time to yourself and figure what you actually want, your values and what the future goals are.

Sucks man. I was also cheated on in a similar length relationship. Once a cheater always a cheater. Move on there are good women out there.

Takes a strong heart to forgive man you ain't wrong if you leave

This is why dating or being married while in boot camp or deployed is such a crapshoot. Either the soldier cheats because they're surrounded by horny, athletic, attractive people in close quarters going through the same stuff they are, or the spouse cheats because their soldier is nowhere to be found and they can't handle being alone or they no longer have them close by to keep an eye on them.

She hasn’t stopped. Jrtc and all those long training cycles not to mention deployments

INFORMATION PLEASE:

OP, you say your wife admitted she lied about having a relationship Prior to you, because she never actually had a relationship before you. When did she have an affair? Did some of your post get deleted?

WHERE does it say she cheated? You only say you believe there is more she is not telling you.

You keep being asked this, but you refuse to answer. I am not trying to be rude.

Divorce her before you get the good job.

That’s crazy you’re getting annoyed that he’s “refusing to answer”!! He said she cheated and is asking for advice on how to proceed, he doesn’t owe anyone all the juicy details. Why do you wanna know so badly?

Where in his post does he say that she cheats? I am not the only one asking about this. I do not want the juicy or stale details, but I am Not seeing in the post anywhere that the wife admits to cheating, an incident of cheating, or him saying anything except, I know there is more she is not telling.

I was not trying to be rude. I even asked if some of the post got deleted. Unlike some I do not offer advice until the facts are in the post or comments. The fact the OP refuses to address any questions regarding the lack of information in the post is beginning to feel like looking under a bridge.

I am sorry if I have missed something, but I checked his comments and read his post multiple times. It is disjointed and sorely lacking. If his entire supposition is she cheated because she admitted to being a virgin and he was her first and only boyfriend then it sounds like paranoia and he needs some professional help not Reddit.

Best wishes for your evolution and edification.

Agape 💕

It’s best to divorce her while you’re broke with limited earnings and without children. Just Google “Max child support for two children in Texas” and think about that.

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Go to therapy and talk about it

Half of all people step out of their relationships people have to learn how to heal from these things and not keep running if indeed having monogamous long term relationships is their goal

I think most people's goals is really serial monopoly and this is their excuse for leaving

It was a long time ago

I think people have to decide whether they want honesty or not. If we want truth telling then we have to deal with the truth

If one truth is told everybody runs out the door it doesn't encourage anybody to be honest

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Well, she was young and immature etc. However - she never came clean and she felt comfortable keeping up lying about it. You are both still young. You should consider getting out, because trust is pretty important in a relationship.

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I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of women cheating while the guy is in boot camp. I knew a guy who used to live on-base and he told me whenever the wife's husband were on deployment they'd put a broom out on the porch to signal to other guys that her husband was away and she was available.

No shit - true story.

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So she cheated on you a bunch of times. Not only lied about it for 10 years, but doubled down and changed her past to you being her only lover.

Talk to a divorce attorney, get everything in order and when you are ready, tell her you are filing for divorce.

Agreed. I commented about this same thing 6 hours before you did.

It's bizarre actually! I thought I was going nuts reading OP's post several times and not seeing that she cheated.

Guess people just read the "title" and automatically assumed she did. Lol

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Fucking Jody.

I mean, it’s kind of reaching to argue that the title isn’t true because he doesn’t repeat it in the post.

Plan your Escape n GET OUT Bro, You're much to Young to let this Affect you long term ! Leave her n Cut Off ALL Lines of Communication with her n her Family ! Also get a STD Panel to make sure she didn't give you some Diseases ! !