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Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2e21ti wrote

Reply to comment by itsallminenow in [40m] [35f] we are 2 people in a monogamous marraige. his fettish is killing the marraige. by Tight-Cut-4606

Thanks for your comments. My concern is that I can't trust him to do things behind my back. The fact he's lied (so convincingly) that this was all just talk makes me think what else can he lie about. Especially if I don't fulfil this fantasy that he might do other fantasies behind my back.

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cymbalsnzoo t1_j2elo1t wrote

I think there are a few important distinctions about participating in sexual fantasies independently while in a relationship.

For starters is this a kink or a fetish. If it’s a fetish and he absolutely needs it to be fulfilled sexual the chances of it escalating is high and puts you at risk even indirectly (ex. sharing your details or images with others online for role play)

If it is a kink there are healthy ways to explore kinks your partner doesn’t share solo. For example my partner and I both enjoy bdsm but not all the same types of play. One of their hard limits and one of my hard limits are some of the others favorites. We both know this and acknowledge this. We are both completely fine with each other exploring those kinks in private in terms of consuming porn, stories, etc about it. What is not ok is involving either of us or an actual third party (ex online role play) in that kink exploration. I’m never going to be mad at them watching porn about something that’s not my cup of tea. I also cannot police their mind and if they think about me in terms of that kink and that’s ok. I would be mad if they were participating with other people directly online or in person though.

It’s important to note just because a fantasy isn’t shared doesn’t mean the part we has to go outside the marriage to get fulfillment from it. The imagination and existing media can be a very useful tool.

If it’s #1 which it seems like it is, that is very concerning and worth working with a counselor if you wish to stay together or leaving.

If it’s not #1 and it’s a kink that just got out of hand (which can happen when you discover something new and exciting and act selfishly) ask yourself what boundaries you would need to discuss and establish to start feeling secure again.

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itsallminenow t1_j2e3ely wrote

I would say that he has exhausted your trust in him, which is a glass support that once broken cannot easily be reconstructed. I presume you've pointed out to him that he has no revealed that your boundaries are obstructions to be worked around, rather than actual boundaries? Because his dishonesty is exactly that, a refusal to accept a boundary and see it as an obstruction that needs action to circumvent.

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chaunceypie t1_j2f0kq5 wrote

I'm concerned that at some point he will just bring this "friend" over! What the heck? I would suggest counseling to see if your relationship can be saved. Otherwise, you have a decision to make. Can you live with this man or not.

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