[40m] [35f] we are 2 people in a monogamous marraige. his fettish is killing the marraige.

Submitted by Tight-Cut-4606 t3_zzsq1h in relationship_advice

We have been together for 6 years and have a 1 Yr old together. I am 36 and he is 40.

My husband has this fetish of seeing me with another man. He has mentioned it about 2-3 years ago in a jokey way and dismissed it when he saw my unenthusiastic reaction. Infact I was pissed.

Now if it was just a fettish I would just over look it. But recently he has been talking about it during intimacy and I just ignore it because I don't want to kill the vibe as we just had a kid and I don't want to feel like I'm not satisfying him. So I just stay silent, I dont respond but I don't shut him down.

Now here is the problem, recently I felt he was being really seriously and I thought let me see how far he takes it as he always tells me (it's just a fantasy, it's just words). Turns out he even has a friend he wants to arrange to come over (while the baby sleeps - don't know why this makes me feel more sick) and wants me to go down on his friend and then proceed "all the way" if I want. Again I went along to see how serious this was and he got into details when he can come, what day, how he's already talked to the guy about it (as apparently he finds me sexually attractive and has relieved himself to the thought of me). In a jokey way I said yeah right you already spoke to him, then he sent me a screenshot just saying "when do you want to come over, my wife has a present for you".

Now that for me was enough to prove he has spoken to him about it and what he was saying is beyond fantasy. Problem is when I told him I was just seeing how far he would take it he outright denied it and was still saying it was all part of the just words fantasy.

I feel physically sick. I cant imagine sleeping with my husband without feeling sick anymore. He's clearly said more to this guy for that to be the message he sent. They may have even had a convo about it and what he was "going to do to me" as my husband watches as my husband has mentioned this before and I am now realising this fantasy is not just talk.

I dont know where to go from here.

He is denying it like no tomorrow. He keeps justifying everything i throw at him. Ihave no trust left in him and dont believe him at all.

Mu mind has gone 500mph. I'm now thinking what is he doing when hes not at home. What happens in 5 years time if he suppresses these fantasies. What will he do behind my back. What makes this all worse is he won't admit the truth.

My mind is so scrambled I don't even know what I am asking here.

260

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

ellepre t1_j2e4rft wrote

Hi, I am sorry this has happened to you. I have had a similar experience and thought maybe it might help if I share it with you.

My husband at the time (now divorcing) became quite obsessed with me having sex with another man - I don't believe it was a fetish, more something he wanted to do and then have me (his wife) come back to him again. It got to the point where he called a friend of mine to arrange it (luckily my friend didnt pick up the phone). He also said if I didn't choose someone then he would pick for me and I later found out that he had started arrangements with a guy from his work. He was also showing sexual images of me etc.

Im pretty easy going with most things and possibly would have gone along with it under different circumstances but he became so focused and obsessed with it that I went the opposite way completely.

Another thing he did was during any intercourse he would talk to me constantly about other men and women (im bisexual) and there was a couple of particular sex acts that he became very focused on even though i asked him to stop doing them because I didn't like them.

These things went on for years, I was deeply unhappy.

No one here can tell you what to do but from my own experience, your husband wont change, he will only get worse just like my ex did. Protect and support yourself because he's not going to do that for you.

Note that he is now my ex.

262

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2e879r wrote

Thank you so much for this response. The insight you have given me is really helpful as you have gone through it, so I really appreciate that.

95

Own-Writing-3687 t1_j2encj5 wrote

I think this fetish is driven by low self esteem, and perhaps an unconscious desire to self destruct (feeling he doesn't deserve you.

I think therapy could help.

38

themanfromUNCLE100 t1_j2dcsll wrote

Your husband is hell bent to break up his marriage. Most marriages do not survive after opening it and this one will be no different. The time to remain silent and let it slide has gone and now you be very upfront to shut down this fantasy of his once and for all. You have to put your foot down. The fact he discussed it with his friend about and how he's fantasizing you is both disgusting and intrusion of your privacy.

You have to give a stern warning if he doesn't give this up once and for all you'll have ko other chance but to leave the marriage.

164

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2dcys1 wrote

My problem is, even if he does "give up" the fantasy how can I trust him? The fact he discussed with his friend behind my back to sleep with me in detail makes me sick. The fact that his friend has "relieved himself" over me while I was working in the same office as thus friend and it all went on behind my back makes me sick.

I just want to know if there's even a chance to trust him after this.

81

themanfromUNCLE100 t1_j2ddfo3 wrote

Listen to your gut. If this's a deal breaker then get out rn. No doubt that's a disgusting behavior on his part talking sexually about his spouse with his friend behind their back. Most women in your position would leave the relationship. Real talk it'd be extremely difficult to trust him after this. There's likely chance he might talk about you to his friends.. this time in secret.

66

AvalancheReturns t1_j2dhr1p wrote

Dont you allready know the answer to that question?

15

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2di5c3 wrote

I dont think it will ever be 100% trust. Is this enough to leave a marraige I don't know

24

Eh111986 t1_j2dkaa1 wrote

If he ever willing to respect your privacy and marriage he should get rid of the fantasy he have , by doing this he’s ruining the marriage .

6

SharralandaAndDennis t1_j2eokpy wrote

I personally believe you should trust your spouse 100%. That is enough to leave a marriage. If you don't believe you have to trust your partner 100% then you don't have to leave. This all depends on what you are comfortable with and how that affects your safety and happiness.

5

Own-Writing-3687 t1_j2elz3q wrote

It's his job to rebuild trust. You can't help him. Time alone can't. And he can't just say "trust me".

To motivate him he needs to believe you are willing to divorce rather than tolerate his behavior.

Talk to an attorney. The first hour is typically free. It sends a message that you're serious.

2

Own-Writing-3687 t1_j2elm11 wrote

He needs consequences. To start, zero contact with his friend. Btw: no real friend would offer or agree to participate in behavior that will stress and/or destroy your marriage bond.

15

ccl-now t1_j2eyugw wrote

Only you can know the answer to that and I think you already do. When someone lies to you the one thing you learn is that they're happy to lie to you. Maybe some people can, but I couldn't come back from that.

2

Solitary_evening t1_j2erkjk wrote

It’s not just an intrusion of her privacy. He involved her in his kink without her consent or knowledge. That’s really bad.

I dont think trust can ever be regained once this kind of boundary is crossed. If he was willing to go that far, how much farther will he go?

12

houseat261turnerlane t1_j2e7fmw wrote

Shit I have to tell my wife that our live in girlfriend has killed our marriage lol

−22

No_Copy_5473 t1_j2e8jet wrote

I assume that’s something you’re both okay with, though. In OP’s case, that is not the dynamic.

15

Realistic-Airport775 t1_j2e4kpr wrote

So um, does your husband have any pictures of you that you would not want shared with others? Because I am getting the vibe that he has done just that with his "friend".

Another thought I had is that he clearly has a strong urge to do this and if you stay with him then he won't be fulfilling this fantasy he has, so if you leave you will be setting him free to explore his needs. That could be one approach to your situation. That you don't want to hold him back from what he desires. Since you don't want to sleep with anyone but him then you will never be able to fulfill his fantasy.

The other side is that he has no respect for you and that you have already said no, that also is very concerning that he has continue to pressure you. Now he is back pedaling a lot so there is at least some consideration that he knows you are not interested.

I am concerned as to why you wanted to see how far he would go, what was your goal here?

You seem to be a silent partner in interactions with him, not wishing to spoil the vibe, but isn't he spoiling it for you? Is it fair on him to not communicate that you are not interested immediately? What are you worried he will do if you just say no? I am not interested? Does he go off and sulk?

93

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2e5iup wrote

He did have pictures and this has crossed my mind. He has said he deleted them but again I don't believe him. I wanted to see how far he would go because as much as he would say its just talk I wanted to see if he would do it for real and if he has discussed this with others. In my head it was a deal breaker, right now it's a deal breaker, not sure if it's because it just happened or because I am really done. I just feel devastated and dissapointed.

47

Realistic-Airport775 t1_j2e72wc wrote

Yes, it feels like your needs and his are not on the same page or even the same book. You have prove that beyond a doubt. Whatever happens please look after yourself and get some support if you have it available.

20

Over-Remove t1_j2fppj9 wrote

I assumed she went along with it because he has been actively gaslighting her about how important this is to him. It’s just joking, he’s not serious comments while the frequency of them increases and the context of when and where they happen. So while she took him at his word he lied to her but she had a gut feeling it’s more than a joke. So she pretended to be ok just to see the real him. That’s my interpretation. Op can correct me if I am wrong.

16

Realistic-Airport775 t1_j2fq6bw wrote

Yes it proved he wasn't joking as he went to the effort of arrangements. Proof if you will.

7

Over-Remove t1_j2fswr8 wrote

And now she knows she wasn’t crazy either. It’s really fked up to be openly gaslight by your SO. Not a cool feeling at all. You start losing trust in them and yourself.

7

Eh111986 t1_j2dd3rq wrote

Being silent will never serve your marriage and this fantasy will keep happening…. Put a boundaries for this , this is just disrespectful for your privacy , a real man will never disrespect his wife privacy just to satisfy his fantasy , this is a reasons why most marriages ruins because of other significant fantasy .

41

emccm t1_j2dr7cr wrote

Your husband thinks you are a piece of meat he gets to pass around to his friends for his, and their, pleasure. Is is this also how you see yourself? How you answer this will help you determine next steps.

36

itsallminenow t1_j2e17vl wrote

Look, there are some people who enjoy this kind of thing, and there are some that don't. The issue here is he's one of the ones that does, and on finding out you are one that doesn't, he's trying to force you to do something you find repellent regardless of how you feel about it. He has already taken your non-refusal as consent and gone ahead with the arrangement. That's partly on you for not, once again, refusing him, but almost entirely on him for just not accepting a no at the first expression of it. He thinks you can be persuaded, doesn't care that you don't really want to, and is forging ahead. He almost certainly will bring this up again because he's got the idea, from porn or just his own fetishism, that you can be brought around to his way of thinking.

As you say, the real issue is that he won't admit that actually making this happen is a priority for him, and you saying no is a negotiable. You can't trust him not to arrange this again, you can't trust him to not keep pushing it. He HAS to accept that this is never going to happen, and without that you have no marriage future.

24

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2e21ti wrote

Thanks for your comments. My concern is that I can't trust him to do things behind my back. The fact he's lied (so convincingly) that this was all just talk makes me think what else can he lie about. Especially if I don't fulfil this fantasy that he might do other fantasies behind my back.

13

cymbalsnzoo t1_j2elo1t wrote

I think there are a few important distinctions about participating in sexual fantasies independently while in a relationship.

For starters is this a kink or a fetish. If it’s a fetish and he absolutely needs it to be fulfilled sexual the chances of it escalating is high and puts you at risk even indirectly (ex. sharing your details or images with others online for role play)

If it is a kink there are healthy ways to explore kinks your partner doesn’t share solo. For example my partner and I both enjoy bdsm but not all the same types of play. One of their hard limits and one of my hard limits are some of the others favorites. We both know this and acknowledge this. We are both completely fine with each other exploring those kinks in private in terms of consuming porn, stories, etc about it. What is not ok is involving either of us or an actual third party (ex online role play) in that kink exploration. I’m never going to be mad at them watching porn about something that’s not my cup of tea. I also cannot police their mind and if they think about me in terms of that kink and that’s ok. I would be mad if they were participating with other people directly online or in person though.

It’s important to note just because a fantasy isn’t shared doesn’t mean the part we has to go outside the marriage to get fulfillment from it. The imagination and existing media can be a very useful tool.

If it’s #1 which it seems like it is, that is very concerning and worth working with a counselor if you wish to stay together or leaving.

If it’s not #1 and it’s a kink that just got out of hand (which can happen when you discover something new and exciting and act selfishly) ask yourself what boundaries you would need to discuss and establish to start feeling secure again.

7

itsallminenow t1_j2e3ely wrote

I would say that he has exhausted your trust in him, which is a glass support that once broken cannot easily be reconstructed. I presume you've pointed out to him that he has no revealed that your boundaries are obstructions to be worked around, rather than actual boundaries? Because his dishonesty is exactly that, a refusal to accept a boundary and see it as an obstruction that needs action to circumvent.

5

chaunceypie t1_j2f0kq5 wrote

I'm concerned that at some point he will just bring this "friend" over! What the heck? I would suggest counseling to see if your relationship can be saved. Otherwise, you have a decision to make. Can you live with this man or not.

5

Ok-Bass2557 t1_j2f788n wrote

As someone involved with this lifestyle....your husband has made a comedy of errors. This ls is way more popular than people believe. But he is obsessed with the fantasy. I don't blame you for having the feelings you do, it is creepy how he approached it.

Most relationships fail that try to open up after being monogamous. In this case, I'm betting if you went through with it, hooked up with his friend and had a great time, he would of been balled up in the corner crying his eyes out with the realization of what just happened. The fantasy sounds great until it punches you in the gut when you see it irl. And you can never undo it.

I dont know if I would directly advocate for divorce, but it would be on my radar....

22

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2f7ubf wrote

Thanks for taking the time. As someone who is involved in this lifestyle you may be better aware to answer questions (I would really appreciate it).

I am 99% sure he has shared some pictures of me with thus friend in which the friend relieved himself over. He spoke about it descriptively in such detail I cant possible think it was fake. Knowing how long he has been into it, even if I tell him I'm not down to do it that's end of, do you think he will seek some other form of satisfaction of another or similar fettish elsewhere?

The other thing really bothering me, is how likely would it be he participates in these activities roles reversed. Him with someone else's wife? Or are these 2 fettishes completely seperate?

Thank you.

9

Ok-Bass2557 t1_j2fehf7 wrote

I don't want to alarm you, but he might not stopped with just his friend. Does he subscribe to any Reddit subs? Does he have a username here? I don't advocate for breaching anyones privacy, but he has already stomped on your boundaries and I'd have a look through his phone.

I haven't seen anything prevalant that suggests that if you get turned down for your kink/fantasy that you would turn to something else. In the subs I partake in, most guys that get turned down just fade off into oblivion. Right now, this is like a drug for him, an addiction. And it's skewing his better judgement.

2 completely different fetishes/scenarios. Most guys in this ls have zero interest in being with anyone but their wife. Most couples that live the lifestyle use it as an extension to spice up their sex life, something they can do together(sounds weird I know) . That wouldn't be a huge concern of mine, him getting with someone else.

TMI, but....we do this so my wife can experience and live life and I'm so happy she can and I'm thrilled when she has great experiences. I haven't touched anyone but my wife in 40 years, and I won't. If my wife didn't want to do it or continue to do it, we would be done, no questions asked. Conversley, I think your husband wants you to be his personal porn star. It's all about him, not about you.

There are others in the community with a lot more experience than us that may have more input, but that is my experience. I would minimum have your husband go to counseling with you.

9

Ok-fifi-78 t1_j2dfa9c wrote

It feels you're being disrespected and made like a sex tool to your husband isnt it. Just tell.him your feelings once and for all to your husband especially what he has been saying to hia friend. If he is still continuing with this, then you decide whether this marriage is right for you.

16

YMaedchen t1_j2eqyby wrote

I've most likely been on reddit for to long but if you ever send him nudes, he has probably put them online. Also, check for hidden cams.

15

Megane-nyan t1_j2eyg2o wrote

No person, not even your husband, gets to dictate how and when you sleep with other people.

Calling it a “fetish” doesn’t change that.

15

Coco_Dirichlet t1_j2ekwlj wrote

Why are you a doormat? Why do you avoid conversations and tell him "no, I will never do that"? Why do you not believe what he says and prefer to live in fantasy land?

This started 3 years ago. You ignored it, even had a baby, and then kept ignoring it? You had sex with him while he was saying all of that, putting you off, and you still kept having sex with him? Why? Why didn't you tell him, no, I'm not into that, then stop having sex and leave the room?

Your husband doesn't respect your boundaries. Your husband doesn't respect you. I can tell you with 90% certainty that if he sees you with another man, then he'll become insecure and blame you for his own insecurity. The number of times on reddit and elsewhere in which men are mad at their wive's for having a good time because they had sex with someone else is huge. Or then, he'll tell you that since you fucked someone, now he can go fuck another woman to be even.

This is fucking mess and the worst part is that you have a one year old baby that you are putting in the middle of this time bomb.

Get a grip! Tell him he is out of his fucking mind.

You are also putting yourself in a very dangerous situation. What if they spring on you and want you to have sex with this man and you freeze? It's a very common reaction, so you freeze, he has sex with you even if you don't want to but you are unable to say no, they don't ask for your consent. Then what?

14

Admirable_Share_5843 t1_j2e5nx3 wrote

Divorce him before he has his friend rape you in front of him. He’s a scum bag and in no way was this just a fantasy but a sick need for him to realize (nothing against those who do hot wife but this isn’t that obviously). There’s no saving this as he severely broke your trust and won’t accept your no.

Take you and your child out of this situation ASAP. Talk to your friends and family for support and take this asshole to the cleaners. He can have his fantasy with someone else who's willing to play along.

13

btokendown t1_j2ed5jc wrote

OP I'm urging you to please consider your options very carefully. Not too long ago a group of men in Singapore were arrested, all with a similar fetish who had been drugging their wives and videotaping other men r@ping them.The fact that your husband had already gone as far as to set this up with that guy without asking you is a huge red flag

10

SherrKhan32 t1_j2f63rs wrote

You're sexually incompatible and he's trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. Leave him.

8

URAYummyPotato t1_j2exq8p wrote

Eww leave him , be with a with another man. Then everybody will be happy. His fettish will be played out too.

4

UKNZ007Tubbs t1_j2f6v60 wrote

He has spoken to his friend.

I don’t think there is any way past this absolute breach of the trust in your relationship.

Try to get out ASAP, get yourself safe and cut him and all his friends out of your life.

And when you are safe, do not be afraid to tell his family what he did. They deserve to know what he did, and not his version of events that he will tell them.

4

Sleeping_Lizard t1_j2eshwq wrote

you need to clearly tell him you're not interested in being with anyone else, you don't like the idea of it, talking about it even if it's "just words" or ideas or a fantasy are disgusting to you. The end.

If he can't drop it you have a huge problem. I think you are already at the point where this is a huge problem but it's hard to tell if he might actually think you're into this based on how you describe your initial silence about it and then testing to see how far he'd go... he might stupidly really think you are ok with it. But there's no way this would turn out well, not with his friend, not even if you WERE into this fetish. And since you aren't, it's awful for him to pressure you about it.

2

Individual_Lemon_139 t1_j2fkks0 wrote

I've been in a situation like this. Fortunately, in my case, I wasn't married to him yet. You need to speak up and speak up now. He has proven this is what he wants and it will only get worse from here. He will keep on pushing it, all the while telling you it's just fantasy and guilting you into it because you should want to please him. You need to set a firm boundary with consequences. It took me way too long to do this and caused me to waste a few good years of my life on someone that I couldn't stomach. The sooner the better.

2

JustMeLurkingAround- t1_j2fl5ch wrote

You and your husband have a serious communication problem.

As it seems from your post, you never had a real conversation about both your needs? You were "unenthusiastic" when he mentioned his fantasies years ago and now that he mentioned it again you were quiet to see how far he will take it? You never sat down and said, "that's absolutely not my thing, I don't want to do anything like it"? Your husbands fantasy isn't a bad thing. Some couples might enjoy it. Some not.

That he talked about it outside your marriage without your clear consent is not okay, but neither is you being just passive about it.

You are desperately in need of couples therapy to learn how to communicate with each other.

2

vndin t1_j2fm2f8 wrote

Only entertain this if u are comfortable.... as it sounds u are not interested... he should be able to understand. Maybe hes hoping u say yes so he can use that as an excuse to eventually bring in another woman. This relationship needs defined boundries to survive... good luck

2

AutoModerator t1_j2dc4bq wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

melly_swelly t1_j2f9pbs wrote

Get proof of what he's doing and what he's said to his friend. Protect yourself. It honestly sounds like yall need therapy. But you also have to trust and respect yourself enough to know when the marriage is over.

1

Azerate2016 t1_j2euigc wrote

If you weren't interested in his fantasy, you should have just said so. Playing games to "see how far he goes with it" if you didn't want to participate is silly and manipulative. There's nothing wrong with fantasies/fetishes and talking about it with your spouse is what you should be doing, instead of hiding it. It's just another one of these threads that the conclusion of which is "you shouldn't talk about your sexual fantasies with your spouse" and that sucks. Don't be that way.

−1

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2ex7hk wrote

It's not the fantasy I have an issue with. Its how far into reality he has bought it. MSsove issue. He may have shared my pictures with his friend. He has discussed with his friend about me having SXX with him, arranged a date for his friend to come... all I this time I work in thr office with this friend and I was clueless. This is no longer a fantasy.

6

Azerate2016 t1_j2f1q2u wrote

You entertained his fantasy every step of the way so far, or at least pretended to be on the fence about it, which is probably why he has gone so far with it.

The moment you hear about a fetish/fantasy that you're totally against you just say it, and that concludes everything. You went along with his fantasy so he took more steps to make it a reality. Not sure what else you expected.

−7

Tight-Cut-4606 OP t1_j2f1wgu wrote

BecUse he kept telling me its just words and I wanted to see if it was. Whenever he would talk about it he would say I would never in reality which is the only reason I let it slide. When I found out he actually spoke to the guy for 2 years prior about it (probably a few times) is when I decided to let him go on to see if he is lying

7