opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2d22bx wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:50 AM

Reply to comment by [deleted] in [26-M][21-F] BF deleting phone history by [deleted]

Here's advice - he has already expressed to you that he doesn't agree with your boundaries because he is still doing it . You ARE policing his behaviour because you are checking up on what he is doing , and then kicking off because you don't agree with it

This relationship is not based in trust - you don't trust him so you are regularly invading his privacy , and it's not healthy . He doesn't want to adhere to your boundaries or he would have done so , not continued and tried to hide it from you

Just as an FYI for the future , a lot of people are not going to be happy with your obsessive checking of their phones for behaviours . Freedom to pick up a phone and Google it is not the same as going through someone's phone trying to catch them out , and a lot of people have a basic expectation of privacy . Not every aspect of someone's life , partner or not , is supposed to be completely accessible to you at all times , people are allowed to have thoughts , conversations and desires that are nothing to do with you , romantic partner or not . You sound controlling , and untrusting , and if you want to have a happy relationship in the future you need to accept that you cannot control people. If they are going to cheat on you , smothering them and giving them no privacy is not going to stop that , it's simply going to make them even less desirous of being loyal because frankly its exhausting living under surveillance

[deleted] OP t1_j2d2f5h wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:55 AM

I would 100% agree with you if we hadn't established beforehand that its okay to go through each other's phones. He has gone through mine exactly like I've gone through his.

opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2d2ogm wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:58 AM

But he isn't ok with it clearly , and why do you need to go through each others phones ? You don't trust him . He is so uncomfortable with your behaviour that he needs to delete things because you are being controlling and going through his phone and it's clearly not an occasional thing

It's not healthy , and it's not going to fly in future relationships . If you want to be happy you need to start with why you feel this obsessive need to be in someone's private life , because I promise you future partners will see a massive red flag waving

[deleted] OP t1_j2d3971 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:06 AM

I agree with you. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I had never gone through his phone before recently. But that's opened my eyes to new ideas about him feeling like he needs to hide things. I don't want to make him feel that way, and will for sure talk to him and ask about the way he feels about going through phones. That's why I ask for advice because I hear different viewpoints I haven't thought of before, thank you. I wish he could've communicated it to me but I can see why it could be difficult for him to express. Thanks again.

opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2da6ms wrote on December 31, 2022 at 11:42 AM

Best of luck - and before worrying about him , take some time to ask why you are feeling like that. There will be deeper reasons

[deleted] OP t1_j2d2kan wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:57 AM

However, I do agree that we do have trust issues. That is a major flaw that we are also trying to fix, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe + able to trust when I find him doing these things any time I've looked thru his phone.