Submitted by [deleted] t3_zzq9tt in relationship_advice
[deleted]
Comments
MarMar9292 t1_j2d2sn0 wrote
The long distance was mostly failing because of me not being able to deal with the separation (mostly the whole year apart during covid since borders got closed down), so the issues we are having now, I did not expect them. We also saw each others a lot, at least before covid, and things were good.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d3ajl wrote
You didn’t expect them but it doesn’t change that this was designed to fail.
How long do you think you can last like this?
MarMar9292 t1_j2d3xoc wrote
I didnt really have many options (I couldnt find a place, I couldnt just go back to my country as it would almost automatically cancel my visa and it was just a no return solution that I couldnt do) so I just try to wait. I was mostly waiting for him to get a job which he should start next year. He offered to help me get an apartment and we will see how things go from there.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d4r2b wrote
>He offered to help me get an apartment
You? If you break up?
Why can't you just go back to your country and stay there while ending this relationship?
MarMar9292 t1_j2d533w wrote
the plan is to get me a place so I dont have to "deal" with his family and then see if things get better between us when I am not "in a bad mood" because of them.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d5fj7 wrote
Why wouldn't he be moving in with you? Shouldn't that be the test?
It proves his willingness to leave and whether you can make it together.
You sure you want to keep throwing time at this problem? How long would you give it until you make a decision?
Why can't you end it, go back to your country and stay there?
MarMar9292 t1_j2d67ik wrote
Mostly because its a decision that would be unchangeable and I still love him and hope things will get better. I feel like we still have not given it enough of a chance. I left a lot of things behind and I would like to try everything I can before giving up and going back because it would be for good.
He doesnt want to move with me because he wants a break to hopefully catch feelings again.
I was not very happy with this option, it sounded a lot like he was trying to just get rid of me but to me its the last solution.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d77yi wrote
If he's lost feelings then it's already done. You loving him, doesn't change that problem.
Have you decided to either make this work or stay single because you are losing time to find someone else.
[deleted] OP t1_j2d9gth wrote
[removed]
AngryTudor1 t1_j2d20z8 wrote
I'm sorry, this is one of the harshest things I have ever written on Reddit but this marriage and relationship is a joke.
He has absolutely no interest in leaving home. It is ridiculous that he has gotten married to someone and has made no effort to live with them independently. The way you write comes across strongly that he has no interest in leaving his mother's house. Him saying "his love is almost dead" is a whole field of big red flags waving. I wonder how strong it was in the first place; a long distance relationship via the internet sounds ideal for this guy.
Sorry, the way you write it makes your husband sound absolutely useless. Doesn't work, doesn't want to live independently, doesn't want to support his wife and doesn't see his wife as his family.
You are not incorrectly perceiving things; his family don't like you, they are prejudiced against you as an immigrant to the country. They are really skeptical about this relationship and I really don't blame them; it's not like he has been leaping to your defence or showing them he is your priority.
You don't really show us any indication that this man is especially committed to you beyond going through with the promised marriage. You should be his everything and instead, he remains wedded to his family.
I'm not really sure what you can do. You both need to be out of that house and together, but I would be very sure that he actually loves you first, rather than loving the idea of having a partner. I would worry that long distance suited him more.
He needs to get a job and actually be an adult and a husband.
MarMar9292 t1_j2d3j06 wrote
No need to apologize.
I agree that long distance was easier for him. He could go see his friends when he wanted, did not have to deal with things that comes with living with your partner and he could spend as much time with his family as he wanted. But the separation was also difficult for him so we both thought this would actually make things better.
He has also been dealing with depression (from the situation as well) so I didn't blame him for not being as involved.
At first his family said they liked me a lot, but it started getting "bad" because him and I had issues (from the long distance and other things that we were actually working on pretty well) and his family couldnt help but get involve. He also didnt help because he would talk about the issue with them. I dont know if it is a normal things or not, I only have my mom left and we are not close so I dont really do that.
But this and my "requests" kinda started the whole thing. Even thought he still claimed that whole time that they like me just fine.
He just got a job so I hope that will help, he was feeling really bad about not being able to land a job. He is also gonna rent me something but he wont come with me, he said he think we need space. I am not sure if its gonna help or not but at this point I just want to get away from his family.
He mentioned that he doesnt really love me romantically but hope it will come back when the tensions coming from living here go away as well. It is just really frustating to me because I feel like those issues are all coming from his family and he let them do that to us :(
BloomsLawsPoems t1_j2d3iye wrote
I know you asked people to be kind so I won't pile on, but the other two commenters are absolutely right. This man is not ready for marriage, it's more like you are playing marriage (and he's not) than actually acting like a married couple.
MarMar9292 t1_j2d45th wrote
I mostly wrote that down to avoid things like insults or comments like "you're stupid". I posted a similar post before (with a lot less details) and people said some pretty rough things.
BloomsLawsPoems t1_j2d4hut wrote
You're trying to make a crappy situation make logical sense when it doesn't. This man does not want to be with you. You might even want to make sure he's not hoping to be with someone else.
MarMar9292 t1_j2d5005 wrote
I was afraid of that as well, he told me he was too depressed by the situation (me "ruining" the family) to bother looking for something else.
I really tried to explain it as logical as possible because I don't want to influence anyone and want to see what people think. I have been told for 2 years that all is my fault but its like I can see things he doesnt (or his family lies to him and play pretend) so I don't really know where is the truth into all that.
MarMar9292 t1_j2d5zzt wrote
if anyone could also let me know about things that I have been wondering for a while, were my "requests" so bad? was his family right to be offended?
He says they had to change their lifes completely because of those "requests" but the only things that they currently actively do is not use the bathroom and not eat from my groceries which I don't feel is a crazy life change?
His sister told him that she was so scared to eat from the fridge now, in case some of the things in there were mine. She could just ask me but she never did because its too much work... she just sounds overly dramatic. And that's just one example, his whole family is like this.
WildlyUninteresting t1_j2d1ugj wrote
This situation was designed to fail.
You left a situation you had complete control to live with a man that has none. When the relationship was failing long distance you should have let it go. You expected them to change in their own home. That’s not going to happen.
This situation is only going to get worse.