(31F) (21M) Mutual Attraction? Dealing with a Major Crush On My Guy Friend

Submitted by ldsgirl2022 t3_zzu7cr in relationship_advice

We met through church while he was in his mission and he ended up dedicating the rest of his mission to seeing me almost daily for lessons or just to spend time with me. He was very supportive emotionally and would make sure to see me a lot. I was going through a rough patch in life and he was 100% there for me - even having late night calls or visits, and he would rush to see me.

It kind of creeped me out at first but eventually I realized I liked seeing him that frequently. He would drop by a lot and get sad if I didn't let him. He would bring me little gifts and he would always be super red in the face when seeing me. He somehow found out my birthday and would always bring up how we have the same birthday - he would say that a lot to me. It was a cute obsession he had with us sharing a birthday. His birthday is the day after mine. We spent a lot of time together. He was really passionate about me for some reason and he made sure we kept in touch. We texted a lot when he went away for college but I didn't realize I liked him until recently.

I am not sure how I never noticed him until now. He always was very sexy to me but now he is even more good looking because he put on a little weight in the form of super muscular arms. He mentioned having a gf while he was in school this year but he knew I had a bf when he would always see me and that didn't stop him from seeing me constantly. I saw that his gf is a heavyset and not conventionally attractive so maybe that is why he never talks about her, doesn't mention seeing her, there aren't any pics of her anywhere, and she doesn't like his pics or comment on his posts. He also is listed as single on his social media. I don't know if he is likes me but he would always say he loves me. He really loved rushing to my side any time something was wrong.

We genuinely enjoyed spending time with each other. He helped me convert but he put in a lot of effort in seeing me frequently and spending as much time with me as he could. He made sure to be very supportive, protective, and encouraging of things I would tell him about my life goals. He also confirmed me on my baptism day. He was single when he met me. We tried seeing each other after his mission but life got in the way. He said no matter what he wants us to meet up to catch up.

I know he is a total virgin but then he would always wear the tightest slacks when seeing me. I want to kiss him and hold his hand. He would always give me such loving hugs and would spend hours with me.I don't know why he is in my life and why he worked so hard to be in it. Now that he is a RM he is focusing on school. He is studying one of the most difficult college majors at one of the BYUs.

Now I wonder why he is in my life, what to do about liking him, and if he likes me back. I had a feeling he really liked seeing me and spending time with me but I wonder if there is anything I can do about it since we are traditionalists and we have a huge age gap. I also wonder if I should even do anything about this.

Thoughts ?

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dkicm wrote

He is barely an adult. Gross. Leave him alone.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dnbif wrote

He won't leave me alone. He wouldn't since the first moment he laid eyes on me. I thought he was too young to be in my life but he sure didn't think he was too young to be in my life. He didn't like when I would write him off like that and worked hard to show me that he is different. He felt it was just a number, but he was very persistent in being in my life. He also is very mature. Most men who serve a mission mature fast because of the lifestyle they live for those two years. Now that he's in my life it would be shallow to stop talking to him when I already knew he was younger and I already know him so why suddenly judge him over something that doesn't even define him. He presents and behaves as if he is my age.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dnm84 wrote

Block. Ignore. Walk away. Call the police if he continues to harass you. Because if you truly don’t want to talk to him and he won’t leave you alone, it is harassment. But he is also barely an adult and it’s inappropriate if you continue a relationship with him.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dowrs wrote

At first I did not want to but he grew on me. Yes I tried those things but he was persistent. I do not usually connect with younger guys but his values are the same as mine because he is mature. It is ageist to say that he can't be in my life because he is younger. When he asks me to be his girlfriend is when I should tell him my preference.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dr4kj wrote

Its not ageist lol hes barely out of his teens!! Youre over 30. Youre just trying to validate something you know is wrong

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2drg2k wrote

He validated it not me. He would tell me it's just a number whenever I would try to write him off or hint that I want to friend zone him because he is younger. Him being younger makes things harder, but he enjoys that I am older. I don't think it is wrong, I just think he shouldn't be flirting with me.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2drtb1 wrote

But you're allowing him to by responding. You obviously like it or youd block him and ignore him.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dsk4b wrote

I didn't like it before, I tried blocking him but he found a way around it and apologized for his stalker like behavior. He could not understand why I did not like his attention and said he just loves me and wants to be there for me.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dt7ow wrote

So block again. You arent required to respond to him.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dtv8c wrote

I blocked because he is younger and I thought he was just a horny younger guy but he showed me his is very mature and capable of loving me. I like how he makes me feel, and he likes how I respond to how he is with me. It is hard for us to ignore this. I won't be blocking him.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dvbtk wrote

Ok then date him. I dont know what else to tell you. You seem to be looking for validation rather than advice. .

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dw7oa wrote

Asking for validation would be saying that I am considering dating him. I am not. I am acknowledging that he was acting like a boyfriend and wants to keep this dynamic going, but because I like who he is I do not know if I should go along with this because we are both marriage minded.

Are you saying I am in denial ? This whole time I was fine with believing him and are just friends and it will never go past that. You make it seem like he is ready to hump my leg if I don't cut him off.

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SerenityM3oW t1_j2e1yc8 wrote

How smart were you at 21? I bet you did a bunch of stupid things. All 21 year olds think they are as mature as 31 year olds

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e2raj wrote

This is what I think about when I realize he is different. He would have thought I was too immature if he was 21 when I was. We had completely different values and I also did not have the strong faith I do now. He is part of that, and it is something we bonded over and he helped bring out. I was not mature like him at that time and didn't want marriage minded relationships until right about this age. He acts like he's in his 30s and is structuring his life in that way. He is far from stupid, so he knows what he is doing. What makes you think he is naive and stupid in who he tells he loves and who he invests his time in? Why do you think he is unable to make decisions for himself ?

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dnop9 wrote

But he ISNT your age. Even if he seems mature, he hasn’t otherwise expect a man your age would have. Be friends with him if you must, but give him time to mature and grow up a little bit without leading him on.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dok8h wrote

I am not expecting anything from him but it is hard to deal with him telling me how much he loves me. It is like he wants me to fall for him. I did not ask him to be in my life and he made sure to not only join it, but be present and stay in it. He knows I prefer older/same age men and I would see how crushed he would be whenever I would ignore his flirting. He made it clear that he is not going anywhere. Yes we are friends with a bond, so I should be accepting of him since he is a younger guy that wants to be around older people. When I was his age I constantly found men in their 30s to be better, but they would not want to spend any time with me outside of trying to get in my pants. It would make me feel terrible so I don't want to repeat that with him. He loves me despite the age gap. I wanted advice on how to deal with the huge gap in age, not kicking him out of my life because he didn't meet an age requirement.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dr9be wrote

Youre allowing this to happen. Why are you even asking for advice? Block him and move on if you dont want to be with him. If you want to be with him, do it and stop asking for validation.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dsfet wrote

I am asking advice because I can. I am not going to block him because he was there for me countless times when I least expected it, and showed me that he can be a great guy in NY life despite his shortcoming that he has no control over. I want to be with him, but I am concerned about him wanting something more.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dt5ov wrote

Then stop complaining if you wont continue to block him and he wont listen to your boundaries. He is t owed your time. You dont owe him anything. Either grow a spine and ignore him or live with it.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dtoei wrote

Interesting point, and that is one thing that which would remind me he is not mature. He did not understand why I wanted boundaries or space from him. He would get pretty upset when I would push him away. Blocking him will make me look awful because he have a lot of mutual friends.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dv8f3 wrote

Who cares? If they dont understand ‘he is aggressively flirting with me after i asked him to stop’ then they arent friends.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dvte0 wrote

They are. There is no reason to cut him of because I like him and he likes me. Our mutual friends tried to set me up with two guys that are around his age, and were confused as to why I wouldn't want to date them. Defining someone by their age is wrong, especially when I got to know the person.

Why are you saying he is aggressively flirting ?

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dwah1 wrote

You literally said he wont leave you alone. Either you like it and want to date him or you dont. Pick one.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dwrqt wrote

I like him but not his age. If he was my age it would be different. Yes he won't leave me alone but you put all the blame on me. You don't address his behavior. You don't think it is gross he is behaving that way towards someone older than him ?

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BeaArt78 t1_j2dzjc8 wrote

Youre going around in circles. Either you want to date him or you dont. Hes practically a child. What he is doing doesn't matter if you think it's gross or not, your actions do. Lots of kids have crushes on older people. He isnt stopping because you are feeding into it.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e1ttv wrote

He is far from a child. He towers over me and is mature beyond his years. He has been very positive in my life. Now you're saying a fully grown man cannot be held accountable for his behavior ? He is not a kid and does not live like one. I am not sure why he is not stopping but I am not feeding into it. I pushed him away in the past and he got us through that. He loves that we are exactly ten years in age difference, and is not afraid of it. I want to spend more time with him because he is a great person. I have reservations about dating him. You make it seem like he is not allowed to be my friend or that he is out of control, yet you place no accountability in his behavior. He is the one acting this way, to make me feel more comfortable with him. Yet you don't ask why, and instead blame me for not shutting people who care about me out of my life for something he cannot control.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2e3kyf wrote

Are you really equating height with maturity? Maybe youre perfect for him then lol

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e4f3w wrote

No. I am saying he is and adult, not a child. He is not immature and doesn't look like a child either.

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BeaArt78 t1_j2e3nz7 wrote

YOU are placing no accountability on his behavior. You have options. You are choosing not to use them.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e4mk2 wrote

I did, but not anymore because he is now in my life. My options are less because I chose to engage with him. We enjoy spending time together and getting to know each other. What he cannot control is who he loves, so I accept his love.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e58gj wrote

You are at completely different stages in your life. Let him live his before you tie him down with marriage and a couple of kids 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e5lm5 wrote

Yes I see that but he seems impatient. Why do you think I am going to tie him down? What about his behavior?

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e5p2p wrote

He’s 21 and probably delighted that an ‘older woman’ is entertaining this.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e7pac wrote

He doesn't act like this with women his age. He is delighted that we have a bond. What do you think I am entertaining?

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e8ue1 wrote

You’re entertaining the thought of having a relationship with a 21 year old virgin (your words). Why are you not putting a stop to it.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2e9js6 wrote

I am and I did. I cannot control if he wants a relationship, and that he already started building one. He is sweet to me because he cannot help it, and I tried to ignore it but guys like that are rare at any age. He is very caring and loving. If he was looking for sex it would be different. He isn't rushing. He made it clear he wants to be in my life for a long time.

I don't see why your jumping to the conclusion that things will automatically become sexual. Why is he not allowed to be in my life ?

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2e9vnr wrote

So why are you even posting it on here then? You’re clearly not looking for advice. You’re looking for validation that the age gap is acceptable. So just ask outright or don’t post and you whatever you’re going to do.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ea1yt wrote

No. I am asking if it is wise to continue being friends with him. I am not interested in being his girlfriend. I do enjoy being with him and the way he makes me feel. Why does that make you think boyfriend and girlfriend ?

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2eau5d wrote

I want to kiss him and hold his hand. Your words not mine.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2eb62u wrote

He makes me feel nice. We haven't kissed anywhere other than on the cheeks and we like hugging. Hand holding would be normal since we like touching each other. I am not going to act on it.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2ebl9p wrote

You’re already acting on it. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if this is a joke post, either that or you’re insane.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ec8mx wrote

It seems like you want to troll instead of offer advice. That seems insane, since you want to write off love for some reason. I said I am torn because I feel like the whole thing is taboo because of one factor. Either way we are both very happy together. I am asking advice about remaining friends with him. How did act in it? We never kissed on the mouth and I don't remember holding his hand.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2ecs08 wrote

You’re completely contradicting everything you say. First, you want to stay friends with him, then you’re talking about love etc and saying you’re very happy TOGETHER and now asking advice on how to remain friends with him. I don’t think you know whether you’re coming or going 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2eddyn wrote

No I don't, you are confusing what I said. He is the one telling me he loves me dearly. Yes we have to be together to spend time with each other, I didn't say together as a couple. I am now asking if I should remain friends with him since most replies here are saying we shouldn't. I don't see it being a problem being friends. He doesn't either, but he likes dropping hints.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2edkou wrote

I’m not confusing what I’ve read.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ee8lr wrote

What are you saying ? That I should ghost him because he is younger ? That is messed up. Look I do not like that he is younger but he is sweet and I will spend more time with him before considering dating him.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2eeo3r wrote

At what point did I say ghost him? You’re delusional. I said you’re at different stages of your life, so a relationship probably wouldn’t work as he’s so young.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ef5ru wrote

You are delusional to think that he is mindless and stupid. He is intelligent and mature, or else he would never be in my life. I realize that we are at different stages and this is why I asked my questions, but you seem ready to troll rather than give advice. A relationship might develop because of the experiences we already share. He wants something to work and I am wondering if it is smart to shut down love when I like him too.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2efi4w wrote

😂😂😂😂😂 I can’t even reply to this nonsense anymore. See ya around mrs Robinson.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2efwax wrote

You came here to troll and because I didn't engage you're upset? To each their own. You clearly never had someone younger enter your life, so let's pray that never happens because that young person would be discredited just for being younger.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2efzzm wrote

😂😂😂😂 seek therapy and step away from Reddit.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2eghjn wrote

You foam at the mouth and troll too much. You need a lot of professional mental health help and you need to stop trolling my thread. You're insane if you think people can choose who they love. To each their own.

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2egr3e wrote

My mental health is just fine thanks very much. If you read your original post and all the comments you’ve replied, you will see that you’ve constantly contradicted yourself. Have a good life.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ehed2 wrote

Contradict no, but I make it clear that I think it's taboo. You want to misunderstand, sure but do it elsewhere. You don't want to give advice, you dont even want him to see me or speak to me. Yes I will have a good life and he will be in it too, so troll elsewhere because this is a serious post.

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GanderGarden t1_j2docjg wrote

Assuming you're both on the same page in terms of where you are in life it's not a problem .

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dp40f wrote

Yes we are both focusing on career and education, I am just at a further stage than him while he just finished his first internship. When you say it's not a problem, do you mean being in each other's lives or us having feelings for each other ?

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GanderGarden t1_j2dpc6c wrote

In terms of kids, career, settling down, marriage etc ..

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dpin3 wrote

Yes we are, weirdly we discussed how important that is because we have a shared faith. We really bonded over that.

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GanderGarden t1_j2dprzp wrote

Can't hurt to try and date then, just be aware that people will give you both looks and judge you both

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dq9l3 wrote

Can friends date though? Meaning we can be friends but do couple things like go to dinner, see a movie, do fun activities together, comfort and support each other, and whatever else we feel like doing together. People never gave us weird looks because I look really young and he presents as older. He couldn't believe me when I told him my age and would say I look so pretty, youthful, and his age anytime I reminded him of my life experiences.

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GanderGarden t1_j2dqkd9 wrote

If you're both interested in each other then why not, better to regret doing something then living the rest of your life regretting not doing something .

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dr5k7 wrote

Yes we are interested in the very least spending more time together. That is easy. My questions are then what? Why are we sending time together anyway ? A lot of people say that guys use their mission to find a wife, especially if they grew close to a certain lady. That lady would be me, but I always thought that a younger guy would never be good enough.

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GanderGarden t1_j2ds1eg wrote

That's up to You to decide, it's your relationship

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dsqv3 wrote

It is easy to just keep friendzoning him but it is hard to ignore his love for me or him flirting.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2dnrj4 wrote

When we first met, we spent a good deal of time together but he got me to notice him as being special when he would constantly mention him and I have the same birthday. It was like he wanted me to know we have a connection, and to not forget it. I think it is a fun connection but it flew over my head that he thought about that and the meaning of that. Moments like that show his maturity.

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goodstiffmaynard t1_j2dri6w wrote

I think it shows the opposite. Having the same birthday doesn’t equate to a connection. That’s him forcing a connection over something that has nothing to do with you as a person. Essentially he is saying you are compatible because you are the same astrology sign, that’s childish. Does he also like your “energy” and “vibe”? There is no depth to these things. You are too old for him, he isn’t ready for all the things you are ready for.

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ldsgirl2022 OP t1_j2ds5in wrote

He likes my energy, vibe, goals, pictures, being with me, my values, emotionally supporting me, seeing me, hearing about my life, being there for special moments, and that we share the same birthday. I do not think it is a forced connection. Him and I are ready for the same things because our faith pushes for us to marry fast and have kids young, which I know he's eager to do since he made it clear that we share that as a value. He does not see me as too old, because I am not, but I see him as too young. Guys his age are a huge turn off and I thought he was like that too until he showed me who his and what he wants to be for me.

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