[25F] [27M] Am i too demanding/mothering to my bf of 2 years? I am tired and anxious

Submitted by No_Wrangler4414 t3_zzt301 in relationship_advice

I [25F] got together with my bf almost 2 years ago when he was 25 and i 23. I was his first relationship and since then i had to be patient with him and teach him a lot about relationships in general.

He is the sweetest person i ever met and he means well but he is not dominant at all. Ive tried to make him shine and be more sure of himself and speak up but in the end it all falls on "we will do what ever you wanna do" and i feel a lot of pressure and i am becoming tired.

He isnt emotional at all as well.. Ive said to him that my love language is words of affirmation and i need a lot of reassurence and love words and texts and that connection to feel loved.

He said to me that he is trying and he isnt expressive person and he doesnt wanna upset me or hurt me. And that thats just who he is and wont change. I asked him to send me random texts saying what i mean to him. I Ask him a lot of question what he likes about me. A lot of Times ITs very vague answers and not specifics or that he loves that i love him. He didnt ever send me a lovey text randomly putting his heart out. He doesnt rly know courting and i was the one making first steps.

I love him so dearly.. He is so sweet we go out a lot, h e provides for me, he helps me cook and clean ( he lacks self confidence to do cooking but when he does ITs rly good and ive encouraged him and said ITs great and tasty a lot but still a lot of decisions regarding food is on me).

I feel Like he knows that since he isnt expressive and dominant a lot of what we do is what i want and he pays or will do what he can to provide even tho i am trying to get him to say what he wants or if something bothers him.

But he doesnt wanna upset me and i can see if he does something wrong he will silently hate himself for making me upset.

He genuienly loves me and cares about me and he will put himself whole to make sure i was good and taken care of and he never made me feel bad for my depression.

I wanna make this work and i wanna be less anxious in my relationship because i love him so much. Break up is not an answer for me but i wanna know your guys opinions on how things should work in healthy relationships

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ChocolateChouxCream t1_j2dgwme wrote

Personally, I think you're putting too much pressure on him. You mention he does chores, and has a job (since he makes money?) So how are you needing to mother him? Seems like what you're demanding all the time is just expressions of love in the way that you want. To be honest I think it's useless to try to change someone.

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No_Wrangler4414 OP t1_j2dp6t7 wrote

Yeah you are probably right.. This is the only thing that keeps bugging me in our relationship the whole time. He isnt outspoken or expressive and i am anxious person who needs to hear it a lot. Ive been working on meeting half way because he is really amazing in every other area and i dont want to change someone. I dont want to shape them.. Its just my needs and i feel u fair because of them. I dont wanna loose him either.

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wirylime t1_j2dp87p wrote

So let me get this straight. He is a sweet guy, has a job, pulls his weight, and cares for you a lot. And you are anxious, insecure, and tired of trying to change him. So. What we have here is you trying to mold him into a dominant leader because you don't know how to be confident and strong yourself. That way you can depend on him because you have a co-dependent personality. You say you had to teach him a lot about relationships, but it doesn't sound like you have had a ton of experience with normal healthy relationships yourself, so is it possible that your opinion of how he should behave is a bit off? Stop trying to fix him and perhaps work on yourself.

We understand what you mean when you say he lacks confidence to make a choice or stand up for himself. That could be frustrating. But have you considered that he really is trying not to upset you because of your history of depression and insecurities? If you are the type that needs people to constantly pour on how much they love you, then you come off as a bit high maintenance and needy. He is probably just trying to keep the peace.

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No_Wrangler4414 OP t1_j2dwsek wrote

I think you are right about the co dependency issue and my lack of healthy relationship experience. The only other relationship i was in was 8 year long, toxic and abusive one and ive tried to freak out less in this healthy relationship. Where my ex was dominant and expressive he was also uncaring and hurtful with anger issues. I come from home with unstable mother and father that abandoned us.

Ive told him that i would Like for him to be more expressive as that is the how i feel connected to someone.. Not just how much they love me but meaningful things. And that i understand he is not that deep and meet him half way.

I crave that romance and deep connection that i see other ppl have but at the same time i know i got safety, comfort, respect and care which i am utmost grateful for and thats why i feel i am being unfair to him. But its also Like a nagging feeling thst i cant get rid of.

Ive told him if he ever have a problem to tell me and rather upset me but not keep things away from me. He would rather keep his trauma hidden because it would upset me for the moment. You hit it spot on that he wants to keep peace at all times.

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