Submitted by KJEveryday t3_zzzj6w in relationship_advice

Hey all,

Looking for some advice in regard to a situation I’m having with my wife. At a high level, our issue is as follows: She wants to change our daughter’s middle name completely and I do not. It’s little more complicated though. Read on!

We have two kids. I’ll change their names for privacy, but let’s call them the following:

Kid 1: Violet Robin Smith - Girl - 4.5 Years Old

Kid 2: Mitchell Agassi Smith - Boy - 6 Months

“Agassi” is my wife’s maiden name. Smith is obviously mine. Since my son was born in the summer, my wife has been vocal about wanting to change our daughter’s middle name to her maiden name. Saying things like it’s been eating her up for years and it’s one of the “biggest regrets of her life”. I’m not trying to add any hyperbole, but she’s upset about it. She mentioned this in passing years ago as well, and I at the time told her something along the lines of “well, she has her own name already, but if it really bothers you, look into how to change it.” I feel like she never seriously followed up with me on it until our son was born. There was never a sit down convo of like “This is important want I want to make a decision.” As such, I did not know she was so upset and, again, if she wanted to change the name BEFORE our daughter was able to talk, I would have been fine with it. I thought it was a passing feeling and she’d get used to it over time. I mean, we did pick it out together! It wasn’t under duress or anything. On my wife’s end, she feels that our daughter won’t have anything of “hers” in terms of her name. For more context, my wife’s middle name is her mother’s maiden name as well and she is really close with her mom’s side of the family. My wife is an only child and her mom never took her husbands last name. My in-laws are still happily married. On my side of the family, I have a brother and both of us have our own middle names, and my mother took my fathers last name. My brother and I enjoy our middle names as they are unique to us.

So here’s our issue: I feel like it’s too late to change our daughter’s last name to be completely different. At 4.5, she knows her name and it’s her name. She even tries to write it sometimes. My wife wants to change it completely to match our son’s naming format: Violet Agassi Smith. But, again, I like her middle name! When we though of it, I liked it because I originally wanted to name my daughter after a bird and “Robin” has all of the first initials of her grandparents in it. So that’s a plus too. My mom also loves her middle name and asked for a necklace this past Christmas that as a combination of her two granddaughters middle names (Think something like “Robinette”). I only mention my mom to show that our daughters middle name is known by pretty much our entire family and is enjoyed to some degree. Family and friends will sometimes call her “Violet Robin” endearingly. I don’t care too much about feelings other than my immediate family, but I thought context may help.

As a compromise, I told my wife that I am completely fine with our kid having two middle names, so that it’s changed to Violet Robin Agassi Smith, but she is vehemently against it, saying it will be hard for her on paperwork and in life in general. She even said she is starting to dislike our kids middle name because it actively makes her feel bad. This is wild to me since, again, we decided on it together before the baby was born. One other thing to note is that I wanted to name my daughter something like “Cardinal” throughout the naming process and we landed on Violet (which I found out later was my wife’s first choice, but she played it cool). I got to decide on the middle name and opted for Robin. She agreed and never mentioned her surname throughout the process at all as an option.

Anyway, I feel like we are at an impasse. I brought it up this AM and she ended up crying afterwards when I reiterated that I didn’t want to change her name outright, but would be fine amending her overall name by addition and we should go about doing it.

Can anyone give a some perspective her on having two middle names, changing names ( at this age) and the idea of having the maiden name as something the child brings with them? I feel like I am compromising but I feel as if my wife has more feelings about it and it bothers her more.

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Comments

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redditavenger2019 t1_j2ejdxd wrote

Consider hyphenating the last name of the kids and herself to Agassi-Smith.

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JannaNYC t1_j2ekd2k wrote

Your daughter is 4. I find it hard to believe she's that attached to her middle name.

You lose nothing if you change the girl's name, so what's the problem?

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WildlyUninteresting t1_j2ekif4 wrote

It’s more interesting how it appears she keeps expecting you to compromise. It’s okay to just let her be unhappy about it. She’s not willing to meet you half way. If this was truly an issue she has 9 months to figure it out. It wasn’t really important then.

Two last names are not an issue. Most people don’t even reference their middle names beyond an initial.

For whatever reason she’s becoming unhappy. This is no guarantee to fix it or benefit to the child.

But you have to decide your feelings. It’s really up to you and no one else can really tell you.

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runningaway67907 t1_j2emzpd wrote

People can have two middle names you know. i would just change it. is this the hill you really wanna die on

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HestiaAC t1_j2enx4o wrote

I think it's a cool naming tradition. I'm a genealogist and using the mother's (or grandmother's) surname as a middle name used to be extremely common- kind of fell out of fashion by the 20th century for whatever reason.

I think you still have time to change your daughter's middle name without it affecting her much at all. She's 4 and a half... she won't remember a change to her middle name. The two middle names thing seems like the best compromise- millions of people who two middle names and navigate through life just fine.

Sounds like your family is the biggest hurdle to overcome. You and your wife need to settle on a solution and present a united front to the family- say you know they were really fond of her name but after having your son, you realized how much you'd like them both to have your wife's name carry on with them. They may be disappointed, but it's not their child, not their decision.

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totallynotarobut t1_j2epy3k wrote

Your wife is acting pretty selfishly considering your daughter is used to her name. She's not property.

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KurosakiOnepiece t1_j2ernib wrote

Why should YOU compromise when she doesn’t want to do the same.. who cares let her be mad, your daughter may even decide in the future to change her name who knows

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Mysterious_Ad_3119 t1_j2etut9 wrote

I have two middle names, my mum had three middle names. Paperwork isn’t an excuse/ reason not to add an extra name. Add one to both your kids, or wait until your daughter can voice her opinion.

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Friendly_Shelter_625 t1_j2eviv8 wrote

If your wife is worried about paperwork, she needs to know that this name change will follow your daughter around (assuming you live in the US). Any time you do anything “official” like buy a house or get a passport, you have to to list other names you have gone by. In many states parents are require to list their birth name on the new baby’s birth certificate. It will get even more cumbersome if your daughter changes her name again due to marriage or something else.

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Coco_Dirichlet t1_j2ezh8m wrote

Why not add a hyphenated last name to both kids?

Why do you have a problem with this? Also, if she wants to do the middle name, just have your daughter have 2 middle names.

You are making a problem out of nothing and this is typically American shit naming conventions. In other countries people have 2 last names (or more) and multiple middle names.

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throwtruerateme t1_j2f3rry wrote

This seems to have almost zero affect on you or your daily life or even your 4 yo daughters for you to put up that much of a fight about something this important to your wife. You get to have your family name as their last name. They will carry your name into the the generations, can't you see that this is a small consolation to your wife? You're being weird and dramatic

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Mysterious_Bridge_61 t1_j2f8zhl wrote

I’ve been married 30 years. It is still hard for me to not have my original last name. If I had it to do over again, I would have given all my children my maiden name as a middle name. It would help my mental health so much with that.

Sexism caused this issue. It hurts and I get it. We Give your wife this. You and she both assumed that her taking your last name wouldn’t be a big deal. It was a big deal and while she doesn’t seem to mind having your last name, she wants a way for her name to not feel erased. You have the privilege of not having to change your name and getting to pass on your name. Step up and let her have something similar. Find a way to explain it to your daughter and having two parents.

Don’t make your wife hurt because your mom has a necklace.

ETA. Don’t do two middle names. Really too complicated. Instead, have the original first name-original middle name be a “nickname”. So, Violet Robin is something you can still call her because it makes you happy. You can tell your daughter it is a nickname. Just like sweetheart, or Baby Girl, etc. Kids understand nicknames. Probably younger brother has a few nicknames.

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KJEveryday OP t1_j2fa7m7 wrote

I get this. Thank you. I agree that her happiness is extremely important. A few things I want to call out:

  1. My wife has her own last name.
  2. I would have been fine with our kids having a hyphenated last name to begin with but she didn’t mention it at the time and we actively talked about it. She said it would be less of a hassle to just have mine.
  3. I would be fine to have even changed my own last name via hyphen but she never brought it up.
  4. She’s really against the compromise of having two middles, and the kids current one which myself and our families enjoy and know. We have a bunch of stuff that is embroidered already.

Again, I’m not sure if you saw, but I am leaning towards her getting to change the middle, and not doing what I think is a compromise by having two, and having her explain it to everyone. I suppose I’m just a bit salty about it. I feel like she isn’t compromising.

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diddinim t1_j2fc6js wrote

It was clear IMO.

Honestly I think you’re willing to compromise but your wife isn’t.

It should either be an addition to your daughter’s name, or all 4 of you change your last names to Agassi-smith. She’s being unreasonable.

Is it possible she’s suffering from PPD and this is how it’s manifesting?

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smokeandshadows t1_j2fcflb wrote

Here's my two cents- you really seem to be making a big deal about how your daughter loves her middle name. Most 4 year olds don't even know their middle name let alone was that attached to it. It seems like maybe you are projecting a bit. I agree with your wife that two middle names are cumbersome. Your daughter is still so young, she won't remember the name change. If she was 12 or something, that would be different.

It boils down to your wife grew these children inside of her, she had to deal with all the changes to her body, make sacrifices, birthed them, and they have your surname. Be understanding and let her have the middle name. Honestly, I think she will resent you forever if you don't.

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Mysterious_Ad_3119 t1_j2ff58b wrote

I understand. One of my names has been used over 4 generations so far. The other middle name is another one I inherited from an aunt. I’m resigned rather than loving them. My first name is entirely my own.

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CheryllLucy t1_j2fg3sj wrote

I got a 2nd last name when I was 4 (divorce). It wasn't a problem for me, aside from having to cram 26 characters onto one piece of paper when writing the whole thing out, lol.

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Mysterious_Bridge_61 t1_j2fj535 wrote

I’ll just add that I didn’t realize that as time went on I would be more sad about the name issue. So the fact that she agreed to give your daughter your last name but not hers, may have felt ok to her at the time, but after a few years it is getting increasingly hurtful.

You think that she should “compromise,” but really she naively gave up her “right” to fight for giving her child her own last name originally not realizing it would hurt her. So now she comes to you saying that if her daughter gets the maiden name as a middle name, this feels like the right sort of compromise she should have asked for to begin with.

If she was asking to switch our your last name for her last name entirely, then a compromise would be appropriate. But she is suggesting an actual compromise that still leans towards the patriarchy that kids get their father’s last name and she is only asking for her last name as a middle name.

I hope this helps you feel able to get over your saltiness about her not “compromising”. Sexism in our culture often has women not even realizing that something is skewed towards males to begin and just accept it as normal, and then after some time they can see that the sexism has caused some hurt and resentment and it is very difficult to deal with.

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Lola_Luvly t1_j2foxi6 wrote

I think the problem is that the wife wants to completely replace daughter’s middle name, which OP handpicked, with her maiden name, and the husband wants to compromise and just add it on as a 2nd middle name. Which seems like a reasonable request.

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Ncld59 t1_j2fpbj2 wrote

Nah, I think you thinking that this will be a problem for your daughter is a bit of an overreaction. At 5 years old it’s all about how you present it. I would not make her wanting to do this a conflict!

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