Thankfully, (if you can even say that) my mother's abuser is not my father. She got with him when I was 11. I never had to live with them but for a short year (by my own foolish choice) when I was 16-17. And I hated every second of watching them interact. That man is the only person I've ever truly wished to die in my life. So I don't think it's necessarily JUST like that, but I will admit my actual father to whom I've bonded (while being a very good person) DOES happen to be 11 years older than her, and I'm pretty sure that's why I go for older men. Which in turn does indeed lead more often to these sorts of dynamics, even disregarding the actual physical abuse. I know I'm not to blame, though, I just wanted clear that up somehow. I'm definitely responsible and that's where I'm stuck, because I might seem mature but this is my first relationship ever, which happened to correspond with a spiritual and sexual awakening which basically took me out of a long ass depressive episode that I thought was just the way my brain was gonna be forever and in the beginning anything felt possible. Like I didn't even want to commit to the relationship at all, but I'm not exactly the most mentally stable and I got so used to the comfort his quality of life has provided that I'm utterly terrified to face the world on my own. And I think that's probably because I need to save more love for myself instead of throwing it around willy nilly, hoping for some return. I know you can't help me with everything lmao you don't have to actually dissect that but thanks for being here