Up-Town t1_j2f40ud wrote on December 31, 2022 at 8:19 PM

Craig, your GF's abusive behaviors cannot be excused -- but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your GF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women -- or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize them -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.

Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as "The Victim."

Further, to "validate" her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you.

Hence, the only time she acknowledges making a mistake will occur whenever she is having an emotional breakdown, at which time she is filled with self-loathing. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).

Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) -- often making you feel like you're "walking on eggshells," as you say. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.

Craig, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?

Craig_The_Worst OP t1_j2f9o0p wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:01 PM

Thank you so much for a well written response that isn't just "dump her". However, reading your comment scared the heck outa me. Haha So, i'll answer individually in numerical order.

She's an extremely jealous person. Any friendly interaction with the opposite sex is frowned upon and will likely make her feel insecure.

Now, here's the thing. She's 100% always been this way. Easy to jealousy. However, it has gotten worse. That's on me. I went out a couple times for a rub n tug to catch myself some peace and relaxation after some of our bigger fights. I fucked up and broke trust there. So, i know i suck. I'd never cheated before and I felt terrible eventually coming clean and reassuring her that I love her and want to be better in that way for her. So, I've done some damage myself.

That in mind, she does have me on a tracking app now. We both are. Honestly, I think she's been a champ trying to get over that. We don't really hang with my friends much cause they all live at least an hour and a half away. She sees her friends a lot though. But she has been clear from the start how she feels about me talking to other women. I made it clear to her that I wasn't trying to build a life with anyone else yada yada. Basically, she sees even masturbation as cheating. So, it's been hard fighting that battle but honestly, i'm better off without the manual release. Either way, she gets jealous quick. Constantly asking "do you promise you love me?" "You promise you dont hate me?" Type stuff which has been going on from the start.

The abandonment issues come in when I would prefer to do my hobbies and she has none. I am her hobby, so-to-speak. If she isn't doing something with me, she watches tv and goes to sleep. We've picked her up hobby things for her to do per her request after talking about how important space and hobbies are to a healthy relationship. Her friend even lent her a book on how to deal with anger and trauma as she is quite emotionally immature and recognizes that. She still hasn't touched it for about a month now. So, when I want to do things that don't involve her, she gets mad and throws a tantrum about how i never hang out with her when 99% of my time off work is spent with her.

So the answer to this one is yes.

Yes. She does this. I've seen her cut ties with 3 different people and rekindle the relationship because she either feels like she can't be associated with a bad person or because they've called her on her shit and she just...can't look at it from their perspectives. All within a year. She doesn't often bring up good or bad when referencing people though. However, she absolutely plays the victim whenever she can, even when it comes to people being rude to us in public. Sometimes they aren't even rude and she'll start talkin shit to me about em like "that was fucked up right?" Uh...which part? Why was that rude? She judges pretty hard sometimes i guess.

In fights, she'll often refer to other things from past fights. Here's where it gets fuzzy. She genuinely apologizes and says she wants to be better after every single fight but then brings those fights back up as examples of why she was right then and why she's right now. I hate it because it gets us off in the weeds and shows she has no respect for the topic of discussion or my feelings. She just wants to fight. She also tends to walk around telling me to drop it and then keeps bitching about it super audibly for me to hear. I can be totally silent for 5 straight minutes and she'd still be wondering why I won't drop it. Lol like wut...

She absolutely does the "you always" "you never" statements which are usually wildly off base. She tells me "why dont you love me anymore" "why do you hate me" and will even tell ME (as if convincing herself) that i got upset over something ridiculous and tell me what made ME mad when i've already told her several times what upset me and she still refuses to think otherwise. Like, last night even. She thought i was upset with her cause of some semantic issue with wording a phrase. I was upset because after i literally in the nicest tone possible said, "baby, i just want to communicate with you about what just happened" following a little...pre-fight? We took about 15ish minutes to calm down and when i said that she immediately started yelling, getting defensive, making it sound ridiculous that i'd even be upset over semantics. Had nothing to do with it. I was trying to converse and she kept telling me to shut up and that i need to stop starting fights. All over trying to communicate like professionals tell us to.

Her tantrums are almost excusively reserved for me, her sister, and her friends. Mostly me. She runs to her friends when we fight. Only them n god knows what vile shit gettin said about me in that circle. But yea, primarily me but i've seen her snap at her friends and sister too.
Yes x10000000. This is a daily experience for me. I literally have no idea when she'll snap. No idea. Her and I have a great time cuttin up and laughin about stuff but i could say something one day and the same exact thing a week later and get totally different responses. She even says she knows she's super sensitive and that i need to accept that about her even though she wants to try and be stronger. But...to me, it's not that she's being sensitive, it's that she's picking up on a vibe that isn't there and almost always follows it with "not what you say but how you say it" which is dumb because i've tested that with her. I can say something in an intentionally sugary tone when i think a fight is going to break out and it does not work. Nice never works with her but neither does being mean.

Now, all this aside, I do feel the need to bring up some positives about her as it would only be fair.

She's a mad decent partner when it comes to caring for our home. She helps in a lot of ways. Burden is usually atill mostly on me but that's a work schedule thing not with her and I not pulling our weight. She helps take care of our 5 ferrets really well. Great ferret mommy. We like a lot of the same stuff and that makes life easier in a lot of ways, like decorating the home or what to watch on tv or what music to put on. She even pushes me kindly in many ways to get shit handled and she encourages me constantly. She constantly telling me she loves me.

So, the question in my mind is, with all of this, is the good outweighing the bad? I have no clear answer to that. Feels like 50-50. But even if it's half bad and half good, i feel like that's not what a healthy relationship is. But then again, maybe we just need to work harder to be better? I really have no idea what to do. Like i said, being nice doesn't work. Being mean doesn't work. And now, as of today, asking for 20 minutes of space after she decides to call me angrily (all i did was forget to call her after a job but i'm working all day and responding here.) Saying that i'm "mean" and "hate her" because (in her mind) she asked what i was doing but and thinks i got set off by that when it was essentially her frustratedly interrogating me and trying to push me verbally. she wouldn't listen again. Still thinks I got upset because she asked where i was. Nope. Ibtold her 3 times where i was and apologized for forgetting to call. But she gets on the horn angry and ready to pick apart anything I say and I'm the bad guy for asking for 20minutes space so that we can call back and speak to each other lovingly (literally said this) Like...am I fucked up for asking for that space? Doubt it.

Up-Town t1_j2fp4gr wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:54 PM

Craig, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what you're dealing with. I share u/Reverend_Vader's concern that you are describing many warning signs for BPD (borderline personality disorder). That's why I asked you about the 4 behaviors, all of which are red flags for BPD (which my exW suffers from).

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means everyone occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy). BPD traits are primitive defenses that, when used appropriately and in moderation, increase our chances of survival.

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she may be a person with many strong BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

When we first began dating, she was great.

Craig, most pwBPD are good and caring individuals. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. Indeed, a pwBPD typically exhibits the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only on the faces of young children.

This is why pwBPD usually are very easy to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that 3 of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Princess Diana -- all had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

Her tantrums are almost excusively reserved for me, her sister, and her friends.

Craig, the vast majority of pwBPD are "high functioning" -- i.e., they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, classmates, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger her fears of abandonment and engulfment.

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Hence, with most pwBPD, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone draws very close to the pwBPD.

This is why it is common for high-functioning pwBPD to do well in socially difficult jobs such as being a social worker, nurse, professor, salesclerk, or doctor. And this is why most pwBPD can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but often will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

My GF often yells at me over innocuous and benign statements.

If your GF is a pwBPD, Craig, she carries much anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.

Moreover, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder "emotionally unstable personality disorder" (EUPD).

She attacks me... I have bite marks on my arms and forehead. I have a broken pinky finger. I have scars from her clawing at me.

Craig, a substantial share of pwBPD never physically abuse their partners. Many of them do, however. This is why more than 30 empirical studies have found the physical abuse of a spouse or partner to be strongly associated with BPD.

And this is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "impulsive behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 BPD Symptoms.

She tried to stab herself to death in front of me... She has huge scars all over her body from self-harm.

Craig, another one of those 9 BPD symptoms is "Recurrent suicidal behavior*, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as* cutting or hitting yourself." Significantly, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the American DSM-5, only BPD has both suicidal thoughts and self-harming behavior like cutting included in its list of defining symptoms.

She is constantly telling me she loves me.

If your GF is an untreated pwBPD, she likely does love you. Indeed, a pwBPD is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children.

This means she will occasionally flip -- in only seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

In every argument, she claims I don't love her anymore.

If your GF is an untreated pwBPD, Craig, she is so immature that -- like a very young child -- she cannot perceive "object constancy" -- i.e., she cannot see that your love for her is essentially unchanged from day to day.This is why it is impossible for you -- through sacrifices and gifts -- to build up a store of appreciation and good will on which you can later draw during the hard times. Like a young child, her perception of you is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Hence, trying to build up a lasting store of appreciation is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle on the shore beside the sea. It will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind.

Likewise, it is futile to keep trying to convince her that you truly love her. Although she may believe you for a day or two, she will start doubting your love as soon as her feelings change. The result is that a pwBPD typically will frequently administer shit tests to test whether you seem to love her TODAY.

I really have no idea what to do. Being nice doesn't work.

Again, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. Whenever strong BPD warning signs are appearing, it is important to see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen your GF.

In that way, Craig, you're ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. I mention this because therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning pwBPD the name of her disorder. They often decide that it is not in her best interests to be told.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a hurtful relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, Craig, I would be glad to discuss them with you.