(21F) (22M) His gaming addiction is ruining our relationship and i don't know how much longer i can take it

Submitted by NafkaGjores t3_zzi97w in relationship_advice

we've been together 3 years. i love him a lot, i've always felt like he's my person. he makes me feel beautiful, funny, tells me he loves me countless times a day, i've never had to doubt it. he is so gentle and sweet, faithful,... and it's breaking my heart typing this, but i don't know if the person he is right now is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with.

we moved in together way too soon because of covid and because he had troubles at home. at first it was awesome. amazing. he always loved video games and it always was his biggest hobby and also the one he spent the most time doing. it didn't bother me then, because he still initiated quality time with me quite often and seemed like he was enjoying it.

he struggles with pretty bad anxiety and depression. he's on medication and goes to therapy for it. i feel like i've been very understanding of his love of gaming. it's his escape, it's how he winds down. but for the past months in particular it's been the same every day:

if he's not working he gets up after sleeping for 10-11 hours, brushes his teeth, and starts gaming and/or watching youtube. he'll get up for water, bathroom breaks and food. he does this until 1-2am. then he usually comes to bed, and asks if i want to watch anything to fall asleep. most of the time i'm too tired, which makes him sad for a second then he proceeds to watch tiktok for 20 mins and goes to sleep. if he does work that day, it's the same immediateky after he's done. after he leaves the house for errands or i got him to spend time with me for 1 hour or so, he goes back to gaming immediately.

he is very understanding when i communicate how i feel. he keeps saying he'll try to be better but it changes for like 2 days and then goes back to how it was. when i ask him how he is doing he says he's fine. we rarely have sex anymore. he's not excited anymore when i try to make plans with him. when we spend time together we both have a great time and it feels just like it was before all this. but then i remember how this is just one day and the next 2 weeks will be nothing. i just feel so lonely all the time. it's like his desk is his base camp and i'm the side chick. i tried playing with him but the games he likes are far too fast paced for me and i don't enjoy them at all. he also plays the same 3 games always so there's not much variation. when i go out with friends or alone it's hard to get him to come, i've been making so many memories without him. somwtimes it feels like i'm not dating anyone. i miss him so bad, but all this time we're living together.

right now i'm crying quietly in bed trying not to wake him. i don't want to lose him. i understand how this all sounds but you need to understand he is truly a good person.

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sweatpantsprincess t1_j2c4ids wrote

I think he's feeling some stuff he doesn't know how to process, and it's making him retreat into his gaming more. You said he came from a bad situation, which tells me that he's used to retreating into the escapism when overwhelmed. And he's receptive when you say something, which tells me he knows something is off. He may be used to only having personal space when gaming, and not knowing how to navigate living with someone else like this. Have you asked him if his therapist has any thoughts on it? He may need to bring it up, or invite you in for a session to talk about it. It also is okay to need to change meds if they stop working they way they need to, and in fact is very common at your age because of brain changes. I don't think this is a lost cause situation, and he can learn how to process things in a healthier way. Maybe he doesn't even know why he's doing it, what he's getting out of it, and is frustrated he can't figure it out to stop. My heart goes out to you, crying in loneliness is definitely the time to take it seriously. I hope he understands how much this is affecting you. He may need less together time than you do, from independent habits, and not be clear about much you feel isolated from him and miss him. Addiction is a disease. It doesn't make him a bad person. If you feel he's trying but struggling, I believe you. Some habits are really hard to unlearn and break, but it has to start somewhere. May I ask if you also are in therapy? It's important to be able to divest yourself of caretaking and focus on you sometimes. And a third party whose job is to get to know and understand what's going on with you may be beneficial.

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Ausgezeichnet63 t1_j2ckwpy wrote

This is an excellent analysis. Sounds to me that his antidepressants aren't working as they should and he is using gaming as an escape. Hope OP can persuade him to talk to his therapist about this so he and OP can deal with it together.

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Simon_Kaene t1_j2e5cvz wrote

As someone who has been in a similar situation, I'm definitely feeling like he's depressed and using escapism to not deal with it. Doing anything to take your mind off of your shitty situation, but the more you do, the less it works.
I rarely ever even have fun gaming anymore, because my brain adapted.

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deadliftpookie t1_j2c46cf wrote

“i understand how this all sounds but you need to understand he is truly a good person.”

Being a good person doesn’t equal being a good partner. There are a lot of “good” people in the world who are bad partners, parents, coworkers, etc. We all have to expend effort in relationships and meet each other at a place of compromise. For you and most people his excessive gaming and time spent otherwise occupied is a deal breaker.

It’s okay to leave simply because you’re not getting what you need.

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jezum t1_j2d76at wrote

I had the exact same problem with my ex-girlfriend and it never got better.

We lived together, and during the week, she would spend every waking hour after work gaming, and on weekends it would be from the minute she got up until the minute she went to sleep.

It wasn't always like that; she presented a version of herself during the first year of our relationship of someone who only gamed occasionally. As soon as she moved in, that changed completely. We would never go out together, she would constantly turn down requests to hang out with my friends and family and our sex life dwindled to zero.

I spent the next two years of my life pleading with her to game less so we could actually live life again together as a couple. I was desperately holding on to the relationship we had in that first year hoping we could get back to that point while making myself completely miserable in the process.

I started to feel like I was suckered into falling for her under false pretences, and once she had me "locked down" in a committed relationship, the mask came off and she revealed her true self. Eventually I couldn't deal with it anymore and I left.

I completely understand that there's mental health issues at play with your boyfriend, but I think you need to face the fact that even if he gets those under control, this might never change. I know that's difficult, but feeling alone in a relationship is one of the worst feelings ever. If you're at the point of feeling like that, you may as well just be single because you essentially already are.

I hope you can work this out, but please don't be like me and waste some of the best years of your life on somebody who would rather live a life staring at a monitor than participating in real life with you.

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Womaningreenandblue t1_j2by5u7 wrote

There must be some help for addicted gamers similar to alcohol anonymous . Or there should be . I think that much gaming is making him depressed .

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Simon_Kaene t1_j2e5nn5 wrote

I suspect it's the reverse, he's using gaming to escape from his depression, but the problem with that is it only works for so long.

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Woodit t1_j2enbn2 wrote

I don’t know if there is but there definitely ought to be. People throw away years into these things, lose relationships, jobs, there’s a guy on the homeless sub currently describing how his gaming addiction landed him on the streets.

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SharralandaAndDennis t1_j2er6nr wrote

My husband is the same. He has always been a huge gamer. He is gaming as I type this. When we first started living together it was never an issue. A week before our daughter's first birthday he lost his job. It was devastating for him as he'd been there for 10 years. It was the height of covid and hard to find anything else. He completely retreated into gaming. He didn't even leave the house. If he wasn't caring for our daughter or helping with wedding planning he was gaming. I convinced him to start therapy but it continued until he found another job. He is back to his previous self and spends equal time gaming and quality family time.

I say this to say my husband was in a very dark place. Gaming was soothing and a good escape for him. This may not last but he'll probably need support through it. If you feel you aren't the person for that it's ok. It just sounds like there may be more going on that hasn't been communicated. He sounds like an absolutely wonderful person who you really care about but sometimes our patience just wears out.

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chaunceypie t1_j2doquq wrote

He sounds like a good guy. He just struggles with addiction, something that depression makes even easier to fall into. I know you said he is going to therapy, and that's great, but I wonder if he would be receptive to you going along? Or perhaps you could set up a different therapist for the both of you?

He may not be approaching the subject of his gaming addiction and how it's effecting his relationship. And I think a therapist would know best how to work with you individually and as a couple on how to handle it. It takes a lot of recognize the problem, but it takes even more to change the behavior and he may not know how.

Wishing the both of you the best, OP!

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cassowary32 t1_j2diwbg wrote

There are millions if not billions of good people in the world. You don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't working for you because they are good. You stay because you are compatible and are fulfilled in the relationship and it's currently 0/2.

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krell_154 t1_j2dt51w wrote

I'm a gamer. I love games, I play since I was 14 years old (in year 2000). But, unless someone is a pro gamer, it is not normal to play for more than 2 hours per day on average. Sure, that can be rearranged so you play 4 or 5 hours for two days a week, then don't play for the rest of the week. Or, you can sometimes be on a vacation, have a lot of free time, and then you can play more than usual.

But, playing for several hours every day, and neglecting real life duties or people in your life is a path to ruin. I've seen stories about people, or seen some cases in real life, where people choose gaming over their partner, job or school, and it is so sad.

I think your boyfriend needs an ultimatum. It is either you or his games, because right now, you don't have a boyfriend. Why not make it official and find someone who will talk to you, go out with you and have sex with you?

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dubjayhan t1_j2fepib wrote

You sound like you truly love each other. He sounds depressed. You sound tired. Both of those things are okay.

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skillent t1_j2ffuor wrote

He may be a good person. He doesn’t sound like a very good boyfriend, sadly. And that’s putting it nicely.

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