[30F][31M] wondering how to talk about my anxiety with my BF and being around other girls

Submitted by thatsugarrush t3_1004nyx in relationship_advice

Hi, my BF and I have been dating just over a year, and I have some anxiety and self esteem issues where I often compare myself to other girls and worry that they are better than me in certain ways and will try and make a move on my boyfriend. And worse, sometimes I’m worried that he’ll actually start liking them and leave me for something he likes better (which I think is fine but I would just want him to tell me asap and not hide it and feel guilty or something and keep dating me because he feels bad for me). The longer the relationship moves on, I feel like it’ll be really hard for me if it ends and I really don’t want that to happen.

We have spoken about this another times and he reassures me that he doesn’t like anyone else, he doesn’t show any signs of disloyalty or anything, and he is wondering what i would like him to do for me so that I get it.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any reason to believe he emotionally cheats on me but i fear that eventually it might happen in the future etc it’s seems like it’s a me problem and Im not sure how I can stop overthinking these thoughts and just enjoy my relationship. I am working with a therapist but tonight is NYE so I am feeling a bit more anxious and paranoid than usual.

I guess I am looking for some advice on how I can calmly word my thoughts without seeming like a crazy needy gf and that he isn’t doing anything wrong.

For example there is another girl we just met thru one of his mutual friends, and she seems to be similar to me but she’s prettier, more accomplished, more sophisticated, etc and I feel like had my BF and I not met, my bf would probably make a move on her and who knows what he might be thinking about her now. And then this girl is so excited because her and I have a lot in common and she wants to hang out with me, which I think is great but then my anxiety somehow is fearing that she wants to hang out with me so she can see my bf more and then try and “steal” him.

I also fear that if I tell him these things, he’s going to deny it even if it’s true and either way, I won’t ever know. When I bring up a girl, he usually deflects and doesn’t actually make any comments about them he just focuses on how he can help me feel better about it (which I’m not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing because I don’t know what he really thinks of other women). But I think if I knew what he really thought about them, it would make me feel better.

TLDR; I am trying to find a good way to tell my boyfriend that I still have self esteem issues and have these crazy thoughts about getting g jealous of other women even tho there isn’t a reason to and that I’m trying to work on this. I also don’t want this to turn into a bigger thing that will overwhelm him and cause our relationship to get even worse.

Note: I’m not saying my boyfriend is the issue. I understand I’m the issue I’m trying to move forward from here without ruining my relationship

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SheBeeMe t1_j2fjdkm wrote

Your boyfriend is not the issue. You are. That girl hasn't done anything to justify these thoughts and your boyfriend certainly hasn't done anything to warrant being told that you do not trust him.

You need to continue therapy and probably need to be single until you learn how to manage your emotions and your control issues. You can not control people.

>sometimes I’m worried that he’ll actually start liking them and leave me for something he likes better (which I think is fine but I would just want him to tell me asap and not hide it and feel guilty or something and keep dating me because he feels bad for me).

This part right here is disordered thinking. If a person actually ever does cheat on you, you need to have enough self worth to walk away. Saying that your main concern is that they would keep dating you, because they feel bad for you is messed up. Find your self respect and love yourself enough to know how to handle yourself and be secure within yourself.

Your worth does not come from a man or a relationship.

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sadboicollective t1_j2fhnwp wrote

Feel like you should have taken more time to focus on yourself before getting into a relationship.

Like the scenario you're cooking up in your head are mad, and you're somehow making it his problem too.

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