[25F][26F] My gf & I got into a fight about one of her guy friends that likes her.

Submitted by Mysterious-Pitch-958 t3_zzqr5a in relationship_advice

Some back story, my gf & I have been dating for 1 year. And 1 year BEFORE we started dating her cousin died, and she became really close with her dead cousins best friend. Before we started dating, her friend would call her pet names & send her corny stuff on social media. He made it very clear that he was into her & wanted to be more than friends. She says that she never felt anything for him ever. I have met this guy once, briefly, when me & my gf were just friends. Then we started dating, and as we became more serious, she told him that we were dating & she told me that he said that he was happy for us. 8 months in to our relationship, I saw some texts from him & he’s still calling her pet names & sending her inappropriate stuff on social media. She never replied to the pet names or the stuff sent on social media but it continued 8 months into our relationship. We got into a fight about this and she set a boundary with him. And he has respected that boundary. Recently, now at 1 year into our relationship, he asked her to go out for one of his friends birthdays. And she asked me if it was okay to go, and I said sure. How that night went from what she told me: they went out in a group & they were all drinking until 4:30am. And she claims there were no Ubers to take her home at that time so he drove her home. They sat in his car and talked for a while about him disrespecting our relationship and if he crosses a boundary again he will be cut off. We got into a fight the next morning. Here is where I need advice, i told her that I don’t want her being friends with him anymore because I don’t trust him. She said that she can’t do that because they’re “trauma bonded” (from her cousins death) and that he’s around a lot when they do family things so she can’t cut him off. It bothers me that she still wants to be friends with him because 1)he’s clearly into her and 2)he disrespected my relationship and 3) I don’t like that they were alone together drunk. We compromised and she won’t be hanging out with him outside of family things. My girlfriend still wants to be friends with him and I need advice/thoughts on this situation.

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Total_Eagle_7359 t1_j2d6668 wrote

Yeah gf is attracted to him , enjoys the attention/validation, she’s the problem not him

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GanderGarden t1_j2de57g wrote

Yikes, what a mess I would never date someone that "trauma bonded with someone else". She loves the attention

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Total_Eagle_7359 t1_j2d67f5 wrote

Gf is attracted to him +enjoys the attention/validation

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UKNZ007Tubbs t1_j2dh711 wrote

You have 2 options

  1. You leave.

  2. You trust your GF.

From your post your GF hasn’t done anything to warrant any mistrust, in fact she seems to be doing everything perfectly. If she does do something to break the trust, then well option 1 is always there.

The only thing you really can do other than state again that you are uncomfortable with the situation, is to tell her that when he does something she doesn’t like, to not come to you to vent if she doesn’t want to hear ‘I told you so’ - yes this is petty, but you have told her, and while she has done everything right, and keeps telling him that she is in a relationship with you, he keeps trying. Sooner or later he is going to try something she doesn’t like.

Caveat to the ‘I told you so’ is if what he tries is assault, then you are in your GFs corner 100%. You do not say anything, do anything, or think anything that even hints that you are thinking about saying it.

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SimpleBelgianLogic t1_j2d3k09 wrote

Although your feelings are obviously valid, it's never a good idea to force your partner to cut someone out (unless it's about super bad issues, which this isn't).

Yes, he has tried, and probably will try. On the other hand, he has respected the boundary for many months too, because he probably figured out, your gf will not give in. It's not clear in your story why you got angry though. He's been respectful and he drove her home after a night out, without anything having happened other than some normal talks... Don't be the jealous gf.

In any case, trust your partner rather than distrusting the guy. I think your partner is more than fair to agree with only seeing him on family matters. Be grateful you have such a partner!

Conclusion: shake these feelings as you've reached another healthy agreement (first the boundaries, now the limited contact). If you say 1 more thing about it now, it seems like you're the toxic, jealous gf... Be mature, get past it.

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_neontangles t1_j2d7lwa wrote

>Here is where I need advice, i told her that I don’t want her being friends with him anymore because I don’t trust him.

So, what you're saying is actually you don't trust your GF. Because if you did, it wouldn't matter if he liked her or not.

It doesn't even seem like she's done anything to warrant you being this concerned, unless you just left it out. You said yourself she hasn't replied to his social media dms/texts (which you knew about), she then set a boundary with him when you asked her to, she asked you if she could go to a party with him (which you agreed to), and then they talked about her boundaries with him... so, aside from hanging out with someone you clearly don't like, what exactly did she do wrong?

>We compromised and she won’t be hanging out with him outside of family things.

...lol this reminds me of the quote "I didn't want a dog, but my wife did. So we compromised and got a dog". You didn't compromise here, you told her how it was going to be, because you're insecure and jealous.

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